


Wrong Room, Dr. Rush

by theoneandonlylittlebird



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV), Stargate Universe
Genre: 2019 TEA Nominee, Angst, F/M, Fake Relationship, Humor, Miscommunication, Violence, bed sharing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-18
Updated: 2019-01-30
Packaged: 2019-05-24 20:14:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 48,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14961429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theoneandonlylittlebird/pseuds/theoneandonlylittlebird
Summary: When her brilliant though chronically exhausted colleague Dr. Nicholas Rush mistakes her quarters for his repeatedly, Dr. Belle French must decide how to handle her erstwhile coworker's navigational miscalculations.





	1. Chapter 1

The first time it happened wasn't much of an issue.

They had been on the Destiny a matter of days and this trespass was an earnest and understandable mistake.

The exhausted Doctor Belle French had just fallen into a heap on her bed nearest the window when the door opened and Doctor Nicholas Rush stumbled in. He staggered five steps to the bed and fell into it, face down and snoring within three breaths.

Belle, eyes gritty and dry, had rolled over long enough to register who was next to her before she too passed out completely.

He was gone by the time she woke up and never mentioned the incident.

She wasn't about to bring it up.

Belle had the misfortune of choosing quarters between Rush and Lieutenant Scott. That meant listening to the intimate activities of Scott and Chloe more often than she wished. And even more regularly than that, Rush would wake her early for her shift by opening the door and shouting, "Don't be late, Dr. French!"

The fact that, most of the time, Rush found his way to his own room and hollered into hers frequently meant that he could, in fact, distinguish the difference.

And yet.

A month into their journey, Belle had just crawled under the covers when her door opened and a fetid and stinking Rush unceremoniously collapsed on her bed. Dead asleep.

"Rush!" Belle shook him.

Snores.

"Damn it, Rush!" She shook him harder, to no avail.

He reeked. The showers had been discovered, but with the rolling catastrophe that was life on the Destiny, Rush had had less time for hygiene than for sleep. And no amount of kicking or slapping would wake him. Short of bodily harm, the man was passed out. And maybe even then.

Belle dragged herself out of bed, tugged on her pants and headed for the door.

The asshole had locked his room. Was that what had happened? Did he forget his code, think he had the wrong room, and stumble next door to hers?

She hacked his door lock with minimal effort.

Couldn't possibly be the case if it was that easily; Rush could do so in his sleep. Probably literally. She slapped the door opener.

And promptly gagged.

The stench was even worse than the man himself. He had apparently yet to wash his sheets since their arrival on Destiny. She slammed her palm down on the button and the doors whooshed closed trapping the ghastly aroma within.

What the hell was she going to do? Tomorrow she'd lock her bloody door as he had, to see if that would keep him out, but right now she needed to sleep as badly as he did. And he was filth incarnate. In her bed.

Gross.

At last she decided on a course of action.

Scott answered his door bare chested after three rounds of pounding and stared at her, but thankfully with his pants securely fastened, "What."

"I need your help with an embarrassing problem."

"What?" Scott rubbed his eyes and tried to focus on her.

"It's Rush."

"Rush is your embarrassing problem? He's everyone's embarrassing problem. Get in line. Better yet, go back to bed. I have to be up in two hours." He reached for the door button.

"Wait! I need you to move him."

"You killed Dr. Rush??!!" His eyes were wide open now and he had just shouted in a breaking and scratchy voice.

"No!" Belle whined, "But I can't move him on my own and he stinks!"

"You're not making sense, Dr. French. Go to bed and leave me alone."

"He's in my quarters and I can't get rid of him. I need you to help me move him." Belle gasped out in a rushed panic.

"So he's embarrassing, he stinks, you can't get rid of him and he's in your quarters? This sounds like justice for bad judgement. Deal with it yourself."

"Damn it, Lieutenant! Wake up enough to understand and take pity on me!" Belle begged. "He invaded my quarters and collapsed on my bed dead asleep and I can't wake him and he fucking stinks!"

Scott started laughing humorlessly, "So you woke me up about this? Go sleep in his bed tonight and learn to lock your door."

"I was planning on exactly that, but his quarters are worse than his person." Belle grumbled, despairing of getting any assistance from Scott. Maybe Greer? Nothing could go wrong there.

"Oh my God! I can't believe this!" Scott scrubbed his face with his hands then sighed loudly. "Alright, I'll move your unwanted houseguest. But you owe me."

"Just name it!" Belle breathed a sigh of relief.

Barefoot and grumbling, Scott followed her to her room.

There on the bed lay the malodorous carcass of Nicholas Rush. Scott got to within three feet before he gagged.

"I get your point, and now you expect me to what, carry him? I just showered!"

Belle frowned, "You can drag him if you don't hurt him."

"If I don't hurt him..." Scott mocked, "I'm going to be irreparably harmed by doing this for you."

But Lieutenant Scott was a hero and did what all heroes do: he took care of the distressed.

Belle did not like to think of herself that way, but, to call a spade a spade, she was most definitely in distress.

Rush hung like a wilted piece of three day old lettuce from Scott's arms. His hair fell in greasy clumps away from his slack-jawed and drooling face. Not a pretty sight.

Scott dumped him unceremoniously on his bed, coughing at the smell, made sure he wouldn't smother in the blankets and marched back out. He slapped the door button viciously and blew out a deep breath.

"Lock your door at night, alright?" 

He was shambling back down the hallway before Belle could get out her thank you.

The next morning, Belle heard the shouting before she came around the corner to the interface room.

"-smell so bad, it's like a chemical warfare gas surrounds you. If you don't get your skinny ass into those showers now, I will personally drag you there myself and scrub you until you shine. And you’ll do your laundry while I am tanning your hide with soap!"

"While deplorable, the state of my personal hygiene cannot compare to the tragedy that would take place, Lieutenant, if I left Volker alone for five minutes. As it stands, I really can't be spared, much as I would truly appreciate such luxuries as showers and laundry." Rush sounded remarkably calm, considering the tirade Scott had just unleashed.

Belle, however, had had enough. As she rounded the corner she growled, "It is that bad, Dr. Rush! You leave a trail behind you and no one can focus properly while they are being distracted by your putrescence. Lieutenant Scott, since I can watch Volker and keep him from blowing up the ship, you may now proceed to drag Dr. Rush to the showers and scour him until you are satisfied. And his damned laundry!"

Everyone stared in silence at the tiny and usually polite scientist as she stepped up to Rush's usual console and began working. Rush and Scott had their eyes glued to her.

"Volker!" Belle hissed at him, "Do stay out of propulsion while we are working on navigation!"

"But I just-"

"I don't care. I've had it with this. Either you work with this team, in concert, or you don't work at all." Belle growled and stabbed a hasty entry to negate his latest screw up.

"I take your point," Rush said almost demurely to Belle and he left with Scott hot on his heels.

Belle heard Rush snarl something in Scottish just out of her hearing, but Scott's reply told her everything she needed to know, "I'm following you to make damned sure you don't get side-tracked or distracted on your way to the showers. I shouldn't have to babysit you, but we both know I do. Move!"

Belle allowed herself a small smile.

That evening there had been a knock at her door.

Rush stood waiting with his hands behind his back for her to answer.

"Yes, Dr. Rush? I was about to turn in." Belle said upon identifying her visitor.

"I wanted to thank you for how you handled Volker this morning, Dr. French."

"Would you like to come in?" Belle had stepped aside and he smiled at the floor as he ducked his head and entered.

But he had made no move to sit on the bed where she offered instead remaining by the now closed door. She had fully expected him to apologize for his intrusions, but he didn't.

"Thank you. I truly appreciated being able to tend to my overdue personal matters while you handled things. It’s a relief to know that someone besides myself is paying attention on this ship."

"Uh, you're welcome."

Belle waited. And waited.

"Was there something else, Dr. Rush?"

"Ah, no, that was it. Good night, Dr. French."

And he had turned on his heel and departed hastily.

Strange.

Since that fateful day, Rush's hygiene had been properly tended even if it meant he had sent Volker to deal with his laundry, which had happened on more than one occasion. Belle had not mentioned either of his misadventures in her room to him and apparently neither had Lieutenant Scott. Not that she thought she’d get an apology, this was Rush, after all. Apologies were not a part of how Rush made course corrections for his missteps. At least he made course corrections at all.

***

It had been weeks since that incident. Belle was just drifting off to sleep thinking about the productive day planet-side she had enjoyed when her key-pad chimed, the door unlocked, and Nicholas Rush stumbled in. She could smell that he was drunk. Mr. Brody's still had had a customer this evening, it would seem.

She was about to say something, but he toed off his boots and climbed into bed beside her. To make matters even stranger, Rush's strong arms pulled her to him to spoon and he snuggled into her neck. 

She was about to protest, once she had gotten over her surprise, when he whispered, "I love you, I miss you. Gloria."

And he was unconscious.

And she was held against him by her very own seatbelt made of Rush.

She should wake him. She should make him let go. She should not snuggle in and enjoy the warmth of another body holding her. She could still smell the forest in his hair, even through the haze of alcohol. A vast improvement over his last intrusion.

So why hadn't she moved?

She didn't know who Gloria was, but Rush loved her. And that meant Rush loved another human being. For the moment she could pretend she wasn't alone out here in the universe with no one to hold her and whisper in her ear before she fell asleep.

He was gone when she woke in the morning.

Belle was mostly successful in putting aside her musings as she dressed for the day.

But there was something not quite right about him when she saw him in the mess.

She had scraped the last of the gruel from her dish and was lingering over some very bitter fried "sweet" potatoes, trying to make them last longer. Greer was right, they were food and she was hungry, so she did her best to focus on the texture, which was actually much like an Earth potato.

"I can take this for you, if you're finished, Dr. French?"

Belle startled and looked up right into the eyes of Dr. Rush. Did he have pink tingeing his cheeks or was she imagining it?

"Uh, thank you, Dr. Rush." Too startled to know how to react, he was gone before she could figure it out.

But had there been a ghost of a pained grimace on his lips as he took her empty bowl?

All day it was "thank you, Dr. French" and "would you mind terribly, Dr. French" and "Dr. French, if you'll indulge me..."

An apology for his drunken hacking into her room would have been simpler and less awkward. But this was Nicholas Rush, of course.

Trying not to notice the overt staring of her crew mates as they rendered silent commentary on the new mannerisms of their least favorite person became a sincere effort since they were all trying to catch her eye while they traded glances with each other. And smirks. What could they possibly have to smirk about?

***

It happened again only a few weeks later. He wasn’t drunk this time, but as with previous occurrences, he hacked right through her newly reprogrammed door, stumbled across the room and fell face first into her bed next to her. Snores. Now she knew he only snored if his neck was at an awkward angle.

Belle didn't even bother trying to wake him, she just dragged her tired body from her warm and cozy sheets to hack Rush’s door code and then fall into his thankfully freshly laundered bedding. She would have to figure out how to thank Volker for being attentive about his laundry duties. By now, Volker routinely did Rush’s laundry. Everyone was grateful and everyone benefitted. It was valiant community service and he deserved a bloody commendation.

Volker might try everyone’s patience in the interface room, but he had his uses.

Even with the reasonably up to date laundering, she could smell Rush’s heady masculine scent on the pillow and she thought of how it had felt for him to hold her all night. She felt less alone as she fell asleep.

The following morning, yet again. Dr. Rush appeared completely oblivious to his transgression. What would she do about this?

***

Eventually, Belle gave up changing the locks whenever Rush said he was headed for the still room. It never did her any good, because, like clockwork, he would shuffle drunkenly right through her door as if she had not already been through six different encryption algorithms.

But he always held her on those nights and he had not mentioned his Gloria again.

Scott was the only other person who knew about Rush’s extracurricular escapades to her quarters and it had gotten to the point where all Belle had to do was flick an exasperated look at Scott across the mess hall the following morning and he would smirk in sympathy and roll his eyes.

Scott had offered to post a guard at Belle’s door randomly in hopes of dissuading Rush’s regular geographic miscalculations, but she had declined. At first, Scott had been concerned that Rush was purposefully harassing Belle and had advised she press charges, or as much as that was possible out here. But Belle had decided against it because Rush had never been inappropriate, just asleep in the wrong place. And she did not tell Scott about Rush holding her.

As far as she could tell, Rush knew about his behavior, at least some of the time. On some of the mornings after he would be even more overly polite than usual and pink would color his scruffy cheeks when he spoke to her.

Eli had even commented to Belle on the fact that she was the only person Rush was ever polite to. That had been very awkward. The barely post-adolescent gamer geek had actually offered to set Rush straight for her if she found his attentions unwanted. Belle had resisted the urge to ask just how Eli thought to set Rush straight on anything, and had instead implied that maybe Rush was polite to her because she did the most to actually help him, as opposed to everyone else who treated him as hostilely suspect at every turn. She got an awkward shrug of a response and sudden view of Eli’s retreating back for her trouble.

Belle supposed it was inevitable. She had only vaguely stirred when Rush had, after his approximately bi-weekly drunken binge, yet again intruded on her space and pulled her into his arms already asleep. Now, however, she was awake and acutely aware of their compromising position. Instead of spooning her as he usually did, Rush had apparently just hauled her to him, all but across his chest, before locking his arms securely around her back. Finding this out came as a bit of a surprise.

As wakefulness claimed her, Belle also discovered that she needed to urinate. To make matters worse, laying half covering his body with herself she was, she could feel a different sort of quite prominent intrusion against her lower abdomen.

Until that precise moment of realization, Belle, aside from her overfull bladder, had been drowsily content with his secure hold around her ribcage and her hand on his shoulder. But at this moment of understanding, her eyes shot open.

She began to try wriggling out of his embrace, but that had the exact opposite of the desired effect on him. His hips rolled up against her and his arm tightened its hold. His hips fidgeted a few more times before his leg came around her bottom to to pin her lower body against him. He snuffled in her hair before falling deeply back into sleep.

Not good. Not good at all, so much for trying to slip his embrace and leave him still asleep.

If it weren't for the urgency of her bladder, Belle would have just gone back to sleep and hoped for the best. She contemplated trying it, but nature could not be ignored for long.

“Dr. Rush, you need to let me go.” Her sleep roughened voice cracked when she tried to speak. “Dr. Rush!” She shook his shoulder. “Damn-it you drunken ass, wake the fuck up!”

Belle pulled his hair viciously as she shouted at him. It was soft, really soft, and she tried not to notice that.

He finally came awake.

“What?” There was only a moment's pause before the Scottish man beneath her let go and began swearing, “Oh fuck, fuck, fuck, not again! What the bloody hell am I going to do?”

He had scrambled halfway out of bed before he noticed her eyes staring at him.

“Dr. French!” The mortified scientist on the edge of her bed yanked all the bedclothes toward his groin, which of course drew her eyes there. Belle could not see anything in the darkness, but it wasn't as if she had not clearly felt all there was to know about Nicholas Rush only moments before. He was stammering on in that thick accent of his, “I’m so, so sorry, Dr. French, I was drunk and exhausted and I know it’s no excuse but I don't do this on purpose and I’m so, so sorry-!”

“Dr. Rush, it’s past time we actually acknowledged your behavior and discussed it.” Belle was trying desperately not to think about that fact that she was in her underwear and a shirt without a bra. He had all the sheets clutched against him so they could offer her no cover. It was definitely dark, but she could feel the shirt against her nipples which could only mean they were clearly visible. So she pushed on, hoping to distract him from her state of undress, “But right this moment, I need to empty my bladder. I expect you to be here and ready with an explanation upon my return.”

Confidence, just be suave about this and make him bear the brunt of the awkwardness. It was his fault, after all.

If she snatched up her bra from the trunk at the end of the bed with more panic than grace, she could not be blamed.

But when Belle returned, he was nowhere to be seen. She hacked into his quarters when he didn't answer her knock, but he wasn't there either. She found him in his equation-decorated hallway, but he wasn't working. He was sitting against the bulkhead with his head in his hands.

Belle heaved a sigh and rather than say anything or lay into him about his nocturnal creeping, she sat down next to him and waited quietly.

“Dr. French, I am beyond embarrassed, mortified. I never meant to, to invade your privacy and molest you. I don't have any explanation for my behavior aside from inebriation and fatigue, neither of which is ever an excuse. I will willingly spend my nights in lock-up if that’s what it takes to keep you safe from my depredations.” His voice was soft, barely above a whisper. “If this were Earth and if I didn't need to work, I should go to jail for this.” When she still had not come up with a reply he asked, “Why have you done nothing about this before now? By my count this is the fifth horrendous violation you have endured because I got drunk. You have not gone on unaware.”

Despite herself and still tired enough to be punch drunk, Belle began to giggle and then outright laugh. But Rush did not join her and she saw then that he had tears in his eyes. Unable to ignore his distress, she sobered and sighed. “Dr. Rush, this is not the fifth such incursion. Nor the fifteenth.” All the color drained from his face as she watched. “Until tonight, your presence in my bed has been little more than a regular nuisance, an inconvenience. For the most part. So long as you bathe.”

“Oh gods!” Rush cried out as if she’d struck him and folded in on himself having gone from pale to scarlet in a few sentences. “But why? Why have you done nothing about it? I have no memory of-. I had no idea!”

Belle did not want to answer Rush any more than she had wanted to answer Scott as to why she had declined guards for her door. So she turned the burden back on him, “I think it falls to you to explain why you routinely hack into my room though I regularly changed the codes and algorithms in an attempt to fend you off.”

“I don't know! If I did, I wouldn't do it!” Rush hissed out miserably.

Uncertain if this was taking pity on him or being cruel, Belle decided to ask what she really wanted to know, “Do I remind you of Gloria?”

“What?!” Rush sat up and turned toward her, “Why would you ask that?”

Belle dared to put a hand on his knee, wanting to sooth him, “Because you told Gloria you love her once, except I wasn't Gloria.”

“So why didn't you wake me up and kick me out? Why didn't you do that every time?”

“Do you think I didn't try that?” Belle sighed, “The first time I was just too tired to care. But when you hadn't figured out habitual bathing and you did it again, I tried everything I could to wake you short of harming you and ended up asking Scott to put you in your own bed. He did.”

Tears threatened to fall from his over-bright eyes in mortal shame. The poor man. He sat silently for some time before he finally said, “My shame is worse than I know. Still, if I can be woken up by that infernal radio, surely you could have woken me successfully at least some of the time. So why didn't you? Or go sleep in my quarters? I know you haven't been doing that. At least not the five times I know about.”

She couldn't blame him for his persistence, in his shoes, she'd have done anything to shift the culpability away from herself. She heaved another sigh, “Sometimes I do just that, but honestly, most of the time all you do was lay there and sleep. And you’re gone in the morning so aside from it being awkward, I stopped bothering because I was tired too. And because it was my bed.”

Of course he keyed in on what she had not meant to say, “Most of the time? This isn't the first time I’ve, I’ve molested you?”

“You can drop this molestation business-” but Belle didn't know what to say after that so her mouth flapped open and closed several times before she settled on the truth, if not all of it, “This is the first time I’ve woken up with us, with us as we were.”

She saw and heard his hard swallow and he said nothing for quite some time.

“You didn't answer the question, though, Dr. French. If it's not molestation to you, I’m relieved, but not excused from the behavior. If not this, then what have I done on those other nights?” She could hear his determination. Rush’s sense of honor and doing the right thing might be difficult for others to comprehend, but the man did have a moral code.

Her exasperated sigh escaped her though she would have preferred otherwise. In a small voice she admitted, “Sometimes you, you hold me.”

She saw him blink rapidly several times and he swiped at his eyes. He turned to look at her clearly uncertain what to say.

When he had said nothing, just hung his head and clutched at his own fingers, Belle decided to renew her previous line of questioning. She said softly, “Do I look like her? Like Gloria?”

He turned his head away from her so all she could see was the soft looking fall of his ever growing hair. “No, you don't look like my dead wife. I don't even have that to blame. I have no rationale at all, or even an explanation.”

Belle had not known he had a dead wife. But a thought occurred to her, then, with this new information. “Could it be, could it be just that way out here, like the rest of us, you’re lonely? Somewhere deep down, you’re just lonely?”

He did not speak for a while, but he did turn back to look at the floor in front of his feet. She thought he wasn't going to answer her when he finally murmured, “Even if that were true, it's still no excuse. Why aren't you angry? I don't understand what could possibly compel you to tolerate these egregious violations. And so many, over such a long time!”

Maybe it was his earnest contrition, or his near admission that he was, in fact, lonely, but Belle decided to tell the truth. “Perhaps because I’m lonely too and,” she swallowed nervously, “and perhaps because when you hold me, even asleep and oblivious, it’s a little less cold and dark way out here. I don't,” she heaved a big breath and couldn't look at him, “I don't actually mind your company.”

When she dared a glance sideways he was staring wide-shining-eyed at her with his lips parted in clear surprise.

He whispered hoarsely, “You don't mind my company?” He blinked and then looked back at his feet, “That makes one person on this ship. Some might say you had poor taste, Dr. French.”

“Maybe so, but you’re just lucky I didn't take Scott up on his offer to swap quarters.” She let him see the tiny quirk of her lips so he would know she was teasing him before she went on, “I imagine you joining Chloe and Scott in bed would only have happened once.” He did smile at that, though the color had returned to his face. She could not let the matter drop though, “Still, you knew you had, let's just say, visited, me more than once, but you never said anything.”

He let out a shaking sigh, “Too embarrassed? Hoped you hadn't noticed since you were asleep when I left? Total cowardice? Pick one, or all of the above.”

Belle blew out a long breath, “Dr. Rush, I’m tired and it’s only a few short hours until someone bangs on my door telling me not to be late.”

“That, I won't do again. I wish I could promise you no further intrusions, but I have failed utterly in that regard so far, so making you a promise I likely cannot keep would insult your intelligence.” Rush muttered then got up and, surprisingly, extended a hand downward to help her.

She accepted it and enjoyed the soft warmth of his skin for the few brief moments of contact. Though she tried to suppress it, Belle worried that Rush really would figure out where his own quarters were and would never accidentally visit her again.

“You will tell me, won't you? If I do it again and don't seem to know it?” Rush sounded like a little boy.

“Do you really want me to? Or would it be easier on both of us if I just continue to pretend I don't have you in my bed routinely?” Belle blushed as she saw Rush blanche at her choice of phrasing.

“On second thought, unless I am very badly behaved indeed or make myself otherwise unwelcome, maybe I don't need to know about it. But if I do something you don't like, promise me you will find a way to keep me from violating you further.” Rush pleaded softly with her.

“If you do something I don't like, I will be the first to let you know under no uncertain terms. I would prefer you made a habit of using your own quarters, though.” Belle lied and yet could not keep herself from saying what she was expected to say.

Feeling the lie for what it was made something warm start to spread in her stomach. Somehow, having this out in the open between them had created a closeness that felt very, very welcome. But Belle was tired and examining that further would have to wait.


	2. Chapter 2

Two and a half weeks later there had been no further visits from the erstwhile Dr. Rush. He had remained pleasant and polite to her, though. Scott had even raised an eyebrow at her across the mess hall yesterday morning. She shrugged at his silent question and Scott had nodded and smiled approvingly.

Rush yawned at his work station next to hers then he said, “I have been making an effort to get more regular rest and relaxation, for the benefit of everyone, so I think I’ll turn in.”

Belle nodded, not looking up at him, but privately she wondered if simply going to bed when he was tired, as opposed to pushing past exhaustion, had actually solved Rush’s location recognition problems.

When he did not immediately leave, Belle looked up to meet a surprisingly shy expression.

“Actually, I was thinking of taking some of Mr. Brody’s rocket fuel with me to the observation deck before hand. Dr. French, would you consider accompanying me? I’m tired enough that I might need a designated driver for the trip home.”

Scott should have broken his neck whipping it around that fast, but Belle met his shocked and slack jawed amazement with a similar expression before returning her attention to Rush. “I, uh, I had planned, um-“

“That’s fine Dr. French, forget I asked.” Rush had scarlet on his cheeks as he turned on his heel and fled.

Belle went back to work for a full ten minutes before making a decision.

“Scott, I think Dr. Rush had the right idea, I’m going to sign out too. Good night.”

She ignored the raised eyebrow she got in return.

At the turn off to the still room she faltered but kept walking. By the time she reached the fork which would either lead her to the observation deck or her quarters she stopped completely and stared down at the deck plating. She turned right instead of left.

The soft glow of the stars streaming by still mesmerized her and she felt awe every time she had the chance to look out over the bow of the Destiny. Off to her left with his feet tucked up under him, Nicholas Rush was reading. He was reading a book. The man had a book and had held out on her???

Consumed by the thought of something to read that wasn't on a screen and in Ancient, Belle hustled over to Rush. “How could you keep this a secret all this time?”

Rush jumped visibly and jostled the canteen resting against him. “Keep what a secret, Dr. French?”

“You have a book. You have probably the only Earth book on the entire ship and you didn’t think to share it? You’re not so slow a reader as to have not read that at least six times by now. Which means you’re deliberately holding out on me!” She wasn’t yelling, but there was definite and urgent accusation in her tone.

“It’s my book. I had no obligation to disclose that I had it. But if I had known you were jonesing for a book as badly as I am for a cup of coffee and a good smoke, I’d have ransomed it to you ages ago. I’m certain there’s something you have that I want.” His face was stoney.

Belle narrowed her eyes at him and sat down, gaze flicking between the book in his hands and his face. “A gentleman would simply loan it to me out of kindness.”

Rush blew out an exasperated breath and lowered the book to his lap in defeat, “I should have known you’d use that against me.” Rush sighed again, shut the book without marking his place and turned it over in his hands several times. He massaged the worn cover and then looked up at her. “You have yourself a deal, but you knew that already.”

And he handed her the book. The first thing she did was bring it to her nose and inhale deeply. It smelled like old paper and cigarettes, but the latter could be forgiven. The cover had been worn to softness and the page edges were thoroughly browned. Belle’s fingers traced the spine and she turned it over to read the back.

She had only read the first five words of the blurb before Rush’s soft voice cut through her rapture, “It’s mediocre at best, so don't get your hopes up.”

She looked up at him and her breath caught. Never in the past year of knowing him had she ever seen this expression on his face. It was one of genuinely moved affection. His eyes were warm, crinkled gently at the corners, and his mouth curved up in a little smile. His beard highlighted the soft appearance of his lips. The pleasure he got from watching her with his book was so obvious even Eli would have known it for what it was.

Smiling shyly back at him was inevitable and she held his gaze for longer than she probably should have before she murmured, “Thank you, Dr. Rush.”

He blinked, licked his lips then he murmured back, “You could call me Nick if you wanted. I’ve just loaned you my most prized possession, after all.”

Belle only then realized she had clutched the book to her chest protectively, but she could not let go, not yet. She swallowed, looked away from him for a moment then said, “Thank you, Nick.”

He shifted so he could look more fully out the windows and silence lapsed between them. Belle relaxed into her seat turning the book over and over in her hands, caressing it unabashedly. She both wanted to begin reading immediately and wanted to save it for later, so as never to finish it, never to use up this last fictional journey.

“I do want something in return, though, for my troubles.” Rush brought her out of her revery to find his eyes on her again.

“And what is that?” Belle wasn't too concerned about what his terms would be, more curious.

“Nothing much. I just want to know why you’re here, why decide to join me after all?” She could see the timid uncertainty in his face, in spite of the grey in his beard, he looked for all the world like a school boy asking a girl to a dance.

Belle considered her answer carefully before responding. “The simple answer is because I wanted to. But you caught me off guard, back there, and then left before I could answer. I came because you wanted my company and I knew that, for a little while at least, I wouldn't feel lonely. Maybe, for a little while, you won't either?”

His brow wrinkled with the hint of a self-deprecating smile. “I’m not lonely now, no. Thank you.”

With all the round and deep vowels of his accent, Belle felt like his words were a warm blanket wrapped around her. They fell back into silence, Belle hugging Rush’s book against her and Rush with his head leaned back against his seat.

Finally Belle said, “Nick?”

“Yes?”

“I thought we were drinking.”

“We are.” He passed the canteen to her and her fingers brushed his in the transfer.

It was foul and burning and awful. But she took a second swig anyway before saying, not surrendering the canteen, “Nicholas Rush, you are cheap. This is cleaning alcohol better suited for the gummed up insides of some machine. You ask a lady for her company and this is what you offer?”

“Once a poor boy from Glasgow, always a poor boy from Glasgow. You knew what you were getting yourself into, Dr. French.” He held out his hand for the brew but she declined him, drinking some more herself.

“I did at that. And it’s Belle, you can call me Belle if we’re going to get drunk together.”

“We’re getting drunk together?”

“Yes, that is what you offered and that is what I expect.”

“So I did, but I think you’re getting ahead. Hand it over.”

She did.

Many sips apiece and about twenty minutes later, Rush spoke up, “Actually, Belle, I asked you to be make certain I got home safely- trying to avoid being my usual self. But you’re certain to be completely pissed within a few more minutes, so how will I ever find my way?”

“Unlike you, I don't have a reputation for not knowing which quarters are mine, so maybe I’ll get my revenge and drop you off at Colonel Young’s door, just for a laugh. How long do you suppose it would take him to kick you out of his bed?” Belle was giggling by then.

“Not as long as it took you, I imagine.” Rush’s posture had suffered a bit by the time Belle looked back over at him.

“Is that a complaint?” Was she slurring her words already? How much had she had?

“Observation.” Rush smiled sloppily at her.

“I’m nicer than him.”

“Yes, you are.”

Suddenly Belle thrust the book at Rush’s chest and he dropped the canteen. Some of what little remained spilled out but Belle didn't care, she was drunk enough. “Read to me?”

“What?”

“You know, out loud, from the beginning. I want to hear it in your voice. Read to me.”

“I don't see why.”

“Don't you? Get to it. Read.”

Rush fumbled for his glasses and, in an exaggerated and louder than necessary voice, he boomed the opening passage of the book in his booze-thickened accent.

Belle never registered having fallen asleep against him. At least, not until she began to wake up some time later with his arms around her, her head on his shoulder and his head atop hers. The book lay sprawled on his lap. Rush was snoring softly, ruffling her hair.

Half on her side as she was, Belle had a hand resting on his waist while the other propped up her chin on his chest. The swirl of alcohol fogged her mind and she tightened her hold on his midsection, snuggling in.

“Mmph.” Her pillow rumbled beneath her ear. A drowsy hand rubbed at the beard which was tangling her hair, then smoothed down over her head to her shoulder, drawing her closer. “Mmmmm.”

Belle drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. The crook of his neck where it met his shoulder smelled good.

He smelled good. Rush smelled good. And Belle’s brain scrambled for consciousness as it began to register what was going on.

Being awake and still three sheets to the wind didn't make his scent any less appealing, but it did make her embarrassed.

He was holding her, again. Correction, they were holding each other. And they both knew whose company they had been keeping when they fell asleep, drunk or not.

Belle opened her eyes slowly. The stars streamed by outside, quiet, deceptively peaceful. Rush’s chest rose and fell evenly in his sleep.

The heady combination of booze and the sensations arising from waking in Rush’s arms sent spinning and disorganized thoughts careening through her mind. Confusion collided with contentment which had just tripped over, was that, desire? Fear and relief went at it head to head at that understanding and Belle moaned out loud. Much too complicated for how drunk she was.

“We have to stop meeting like this,” Rush slurred thickly, “people will talk.”

With something to focus on, Belle grasped at the sound of Rush’s voice like a lifeline. “They already talk, Nick. You should have heard Eli.”

“What?!” Rush sat up and away from her, dislodging her from her warm and cozy position unceremoniously. “What the fuck could Eli possibly have to say about what he knows nothing about? Did you tell him?”

Apparently Rush could be an angry drunk, and he was still as drunk as she.

“Uh! Nick! Geezus. Warn me next time.” Belle’s head spun viciously and she feared vomiting might follow if she could not gulp down a few calming breaths. Finally, with the immediate danger of puking on the deck subsided, she said, “Eli doesn't know shit. Except that I’m the only person you’re polite to. He thinks you’re flirting with me. Offered to set you straight and everything.”

Belle chuckled gracelessly, feeling pretty floppy overall.

“I would never do that!” Rush barked indignantly. “That immature little cretin!”

“Oh.” Belle said dully before she could think better of it.

“Huh?” Rush turned back to face her clumsily, “Oh, I didn't mean it like that. I mean I did, but, but. Oh fuck it, I’m too drunk, don't know what I meant.”

“S’fine, don't worry about it, Nick, I get it. Look, I’m completely shit-faced and I’m going to bed. Gimme my damn book. Goodnight.” Belle wobbled to her feet once she’d reclaimed the book and was halfway to the door before he caught up with her, stumbling himself.

“Hey, don't be like that. Besides, you’re supposed to get me home, you can't leave me here and expect me to manage on my own.”

“No, I expect you to hack into my room again and then leave before morning and say nothing about it and then just do it all again the next time it suits you. Need a cuddle? Belle’s cuddling service, no need to ask first.” Belle was having an attack of explosive verbal diarrhea, but like most gastrointestinal mishaps, the only way out was through, “Hell, I oughta post a sign with the code to my quarters so I don't have to keep changing the fucking locks every time you get lonely and utterly pissed. Like it does me any good. You know what, Nicholas Rush? I should have expected this from you because everyone just gives you what you want because no one expects you to behave any better. Well, fuck that shit, Nick! Next time you want a cuddle, flirting’s the least you’ll have to do. Way to make me feel cheap. Maybe you grew up poor, but that’s no excuse for taking what you want from someone and then making them feel used. Like a soap dispenser. I feel like fucking soap right now, Nick.” Where was all this coming for and why couldn't she shut up? “And it’s your fault. There when needed, then forgotten. You’re an asshole Dr. Rush, just like everyone says.”

“Not to you, not on purpose anyway. I’m drunk, I do stupid things when I’m drunk. Or tired, or just… me. You know that. Aw, Belle, I didn't mean it like that. I know you wouldn't want attention like that from me, so I try to be polite. It’s the least I can do after invading your privacy all the time. I’m not trying to make you feel cheap!” He shoved a hand through his hair. “I swear, you’re expensive. Really damned expensive. So expensive a boy like me from Glasgow could never afford you. And I really don't mean to break in to your quarters, honest I don't.”

“So I’m a whore now. Damn you anyway! You’re not even making sense.”

“A whore? You said you were soap! You don't make any sense!”

Belle stopped walking and stood still for a solid ten seconds, then she turned to him, “We are so fucking drunk. I’m soap and you’re a whore and that’s funny because you can't even do your own laundry and-“

Belle was laughing uncontrollably and extremely loudly. Moments later so was Rush.

He pulled her into a hug, “I can't afford your soap and I can't even do my own laundry. It’s no wonder you’d never want someone like me.”

“I dunno about that,” she chuckled into his chest, “but I do know that for a scientist you make a lot of assumptions. Must be why Eli solved it and you couldn't. You’re too busy making assumptions.”

“That was a low blow, Dr. French, but I’m going to forgive you because you’re drunk. And I’m too drunk to argue the point.”

“We should go to bed.”

Rush started giggling again and took her hand, dragging her down the corridor toward their quarters.

When they arrived, he tried to follow her in.

“No, Dr. Rush, you go sleep in your own room. It’s that one.” Belle pointed meaningfully.

“But how can you be sure? From here it looks like you just hacked into my room. Besides, your sheets smell better.”

“Then do your own fucking laundry, Dr. Rush.” Belle shoved him back and slammed the door button to shut it in his face.

Giggling, she fell onto her bed and was promptly unconscious.

The next morning in the mess hall was not a pretty sight. He was there before her with a large glass of water in front of him. He looked as awful as she felt. She shuffled by toward the chow line but a hand on her arm stopped her.

“Sit,” Rush whispered, “this is my fault. I’ll get it.”

Belle, worried about vomiting or making any noise that would worsen her headache, sat and waited. An eternity later, a glass of water and a bowl of slop with a few bluish raspberry-like things in it appeared in front of her. She looked up to see Rush moving slowly to sit back down across and a few seats away from her to resume his own meal.

“How did you manage that?” Belle managed a murmur, but then began all but gulping her water.

“Manage what?” He answered just as quietly.

“I didn't think there were any of these left.” She gestured toward the fruit offering.

“Becker likes you. I told him you didn't feel well and it was my fault. He’s a good man, Becker.” Rush made a show of forcing another spoon of goo into his mouth.

“It’s not true, Becker doesn't like me.”

“Sure he does. Everyone does. Unlike myself.”

“Well, you don't get breakfast for everyone.”

“You’re welcome.”

Belle grunted and started eating.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can't blame me for wanting Rush to read to me, can you? You know how it is, can't get what you want in life, write it in a fic. :) Hope you enjoyed. You can follow me on Tumblr @theoneandonlylittlebird if you like and I hope you will.


	3. Chapter 3

Another month went by without incident or unexpected nocturnal visitations. If she was being honest with herself, Belle was a little disappointed. He hadn't asked her to join him for drinks nor had he made any other social overtures.

She didn't remember much of what had happened the night they got drunk, just the barest of details. He had loaned her his book, then read to her, there had been something about soap and she dimly recalled some drunken laughing, but nothing egregious came to mind. Except the hangover, that had been egregious. If she had been a behavior problem, or said something wrong, he wouldn't have fetched her breakfast the next day, so it couldn't have been that she’d made a drunken ass of herself and cost her his company.

Belle couldn't shake the thought that she had felt closer to him that night than they were now and that she was missing something. Rush was still polite to her as always, and the stray meaningful glances between the other scientists had stopped after a few days when absolutely nothing had changed in Belle and Rush’s daily rapport.

Absolutely nothing. So she had nothing to complain about. Except feeling colder somehow and lonelier.

If she asked him to drink with her on the observation deck, would he even come?

She still had his book. And she had finished it in spite of her best attempts to go slowly. She’d finished it three times. Now she picked it up at night just to hold it because it was a book and something that reminded her of past pleasures. Not because it was his. Definitely not that.

Belle was on her way back from a card game in the mess when she heard the unmistakeable sound of Rush having a heated argument near their quarters. She could hear his indignant rejoinders three corridors away, though she could not yet make out the words.

She picked up the pace and rounded corner to see Scott staring down and the diminutive scientist with his hands on his hips.

“Wrong room, Dr. Rush. Your quarters are those and those are mine. That means these are Dr. French’s quarters and you are not welcome to barge in whenever you want!”

“No, these are mine, yours are two doors down! I am exhausted, and I have had it with you preventing me from getting the rest I truly need. Now get the hell out of my way!” Rush was yelling and red faced. He looked a sight.

“You are a lot of damned work, Dr. Rush! Go enter your code into that door and then we’ll see who’s right and who’s lost. Again.”

Belle would have laughed if she didn't feel earnest pity for Rush.

She walked up behind the unaware and irate scientist, giving a long suffering and appreciative smile to Scott.

“Good evening gentlemen,” Belle brushed by the startled Rush and keyed in her code. The door whooshed open, no hacking required. Deciding to pretend for Rush’s sake that he hadn't been about to hack into her room, again, she said, “Dr. Rush, I still have your book, sorry to have kept it so long, will you come in a moment while I get it for you?”

When she looked back at him over her shoulder his face was flaming and shamed.

“Everything ok, Dr. French?”

“Yes, Lieutenant, goodnight.”

Scott beat a hasty retreat.

Belle brought her eyes back to the mortified man in front of her.

“I am a complete and utter disgrace and you are goodness incarnate.”

The poor man.

“Do you want to come in?”

“Obviously, or I wouldn't have stood their arguing like an arsehole about it.”

Belle walked in and beckoned for him to follow.

He looked around and frowned, “Damn him for being right anyway. Did I really manage to go a whole month without making a fool of myself and bothering you?”

“I do believe this is a record, yes. But I think I told you that you were only a bother when you stank. You seem to have quit Mr. Brody’s wares cold turkey, I noticed.”

He smiled wanly at her but didn't sit down on the bed when she offered him a seat next to her. “I haven't been able to face another hangover like that one. To be honest, I can't remember much of that evening. You can keep the book, by the way, I don't need it back. And I think you appreciate it more than I do anyway.”

Belle couldn't help herself, she launched herself off the bed and hugged him.

She felt like crying. She had not wanted to surrender his book back to him, not in the least, and here he was just giving it to her. After a moment of elation and gratitude, she noticed the way his arms felt around her, that he was holding her tight to his body, just as she was clinging to him around his neck. And he was rocking her softly back and forth.

She nuzzled into his hair and whispered, “Thank you. Thank you so much.”

He chuckled and began rubbing circles into her back. She was crying, she realized, soft little sobs as he held her. And with their heads pressed together, she could feel his beard against her cheek. So much softer than she had thought it would be and he was snuggling his face against hers just the same. They both had been starved for basic human closeness since he had managed to sleep in his own bed for so long.

Belle tried to quiet her sobs, to stop crying because she was embarrassed, but he was stroking her hair now and for some reason that made her tears worse, not better. She’d get snot on him before long. Still though, she clutched him.

And he her.

Finally, unwilling to soil him with her tears further, Belle pulled her head back to sniff indelicately. He let her go but watched her for a moment.

“If I had known how much just giving a you a book would mean, I’d have done it long before now, Belle.” He murmured, soft and low in that rounded accent of his.

Her face crinkled up again of its own accord and she choked out, “Thank you, Nick.”

He smiled and caught her watery eyes with his affectionate ones. “I had better go to bed. I have a feeling Lieutenant Scott is waiting to make sure I don't overstay my welcome.”

“Goodnight, Nick.”

“Goodnight, Belle.”

She stood staring at the door after it closed behind him hugging her arms around herself and sniffling. Everyone thought he was such a cold fish and they were so wrong.

***

Too be fair, he had been even more prickly and grumpy recently toward everyone. Belle didn't know why. Rush, in spite of the several quiet and intimate moments between them, had not altered his behavior toward her in the least otherwise. Very confusing.

Had she imagined the tenderness, the warm depth of human emotion he had shown her?

No, it had been there, plain as day. Belle had thought they might even become friends, as in people who came to one another when troubled, who shared meals together, who even socialized on occasion on their off hours. To her consternation, and though no slight intended, Belle spent more time with Eli engaged in friend-like activities than she did with Rush. And Eli had never shared her bed. In fact, Rush seemed to curl in on himself whenever Eli proposed a card game and she accepted.

But he extended no such invitations toward her at all, not any. True, his politeness and borderline deference toward her during work had not shifted a single hair, but Belle found herself increasingly disheartened when she found her own overtures met with his usual distant politeness but nothing that could be called reciprocation.

Apparently Nicholas Rush neither wanted nor needed friends.

But that conclusion flew in the face of the fire hydrant of emotion he had shown her on those precious few occasions when they had been alone. Still, the lack of any further social invitations of any kind was so obvious she could have flown the Destiny into it for refueling. She could only conclude that he wanted nothing further from her. And giving her his book had been pity. Nothing more.

And it hurt.

And the longer it went on, the more her melancholy became apparent. Eli had asked about it last night during their card game. Belle had shrugged it off as too much time in deep space without any time planet-side. Young had declared that he would see to it she got some sunshine. And Rush too, because his surliness was out of control. Young’s words, not hers.

That’s how Belle found herself dressed in fatigues and standing beside Rush while they waited with their gear to accompany a mission to harvest edibles from the abundant plant life on the other side of the dialing gate.

Rush fumed openly with his jaw clenched and his fist balled up, or alternately flexing like bird talons. His brow was drawn down so far as to make a hard line across his face shadowing his squinting eyes and wrinkled nose. No one doubted how he felt at the moment.

So Belle stood silently and waited.

Rush preceded her through the gate by a step and a half, then stayed right beside her as they descended the ramp into a temperate paradise. Belle took a deep, cleansing breath and looked up at the clear blue of a late summer sky. The military had fanned out as always, but they had scouted ahead before bringing the large food gathering contingent from the Destiny through the gate.

Rush was tense beside her, looking around suspiciously, contemptuously, when Scott called everyone together in the small clearing around the gate to receive assignments.

Everyone more or less had the attitude of a day in the park and was volunteering to spend their days with their friends as assignments came up. Rush stood there like the statue of a centuries dead general who disapproved of everyone under his command. And Belle knew Rush only tolerated Scott’s role as long as he made decisions that made sense and meant that Rush himself didn't have to bother with the trifling details.

But she had been lost in thought and, true to form, Rush was objecting to something. “-would make more sense to send Eli with Greer after ground level vegetation than with me when tree climbing will be involved.”

“And I suppose you have a better idea who should accompany you to harvest those nut thingies?” Scott’s irritations were plain.

“Of course, Dr. French, like myself, would be well suited to the task due to our similar statures. We are less likely to break branches and fall.” Rush’s expression dared Scott to countermand him as he knew he could beat the young lieutenant at any battle of logic or wit. Cocky and cheeky. Belle carefully kept a neutral face.

“I wouldn't want to inflict your sunny disposition on the always pleasant Dr. French, unless she agrees to it, which I don't see why she would. She can climb trees with someone other than you if she wants.” Scott meant well, he really did.

Rush’s face heated up visibly and his shoulders bunched up in anger.

So Belle intervened, “Dr. Rush, I’d be happy to spend the day with you so long as you promise to drop the sour expression and devote yourself instead to being good company. You could even attempt to enjoy yourself if you tried hard.”

She smiled as sweetly as she could at him. Hope fluttered under the wet blanket of his recent distant attitude toward her.

And by the time she had finished speaking his expression had mellowed and his lips quirked in amusement, “I could do, Dr. French, and it isn't as if you’re responsible for taking me away from matters more suited to my skill set than climbing trees. Since there is nothing to gain from inflicting the military’s incompetence on you, I will, as you request, endeavor to be good company.”

“Great,” Scott drew out the word in exasperation, “that’s settled. Get to it people, everybody wants chow!”

As described, after a short walk through the trees, the two scientists came to a small grove of what reminded Belle of filbert trees she’d seen once. She started hoping vigorously that these nuts would be even half as tasty. Still, she was smiling uncontrollably at the prospect of a day in the sun climbing trees. Rush had nothing to do with her smile. Not very much anyway.

He was looking at her though, with that same soft gaze she had seen when he loaned her his book. She had missed this Rush, the one he seemed only to show to her.

“Did you ever climb trees as a kid?” Belle had to know. She knew little about him, apart from their brief work together on Icarus, before winding up out here.

“I did.” He looked up and, Belle thought, he almost smiled at the trees above them. “You?”

“Definitely.” Belle dared to reach out and squeeze his forearm, “Shall we?”

He reached for the first branches and began to haul himself up. Belle followed suit.

Though she harvested industriously, Belle watched Rush as he snatched at the stiff, vegetal bunches of encased tree nuts with an undeserved animosity. She knew he resented being taken away from the Destiny for even a moment. The man’s true love was his ship and she knew that.

Not that she was after his love, of course not, but if he resented being taken away from his ship, she resented being shut out of even so much as his friendship. However, he had all but asked for her today after ignoring her for weeks on end.

Not that Rush was her crush of course, and it was his behavior in question, not her feelings about him.

So Belle waited for him to address her, or say anything at all. But an hour went by with nothing but the sound of rustling leaves and the occasional snapping branch. He had not so much as glanced at her. Maybe he had chosen her simply because he wanted some time away from Eli, or worse, the cold logic he had dumped on Scott had been his actual motivation. He had no interest in any human interaction with her at all.

Had she imagined the affection in his eyes earlier?

Belle’s chest tightened at the thought and she sighed. If she began attacking the poor tree for its progeny with an in-kind fierceness to her companion, he was in no position to judge.

Another hour went by before they moved on to another tree. He said nothing and she said nothing. 

She gave up watching him as his face never changed from aggressive irritation. In truth, Belle had given up any hope of this afternoon being spent companionably with him. Perhaps she had given up on any future agreeableness between them at all.

Her chest hurt and her eyes stung. Muscle tension had begun to take its toll on her back and Belle just wanted this day over with. The sun above no longer warmed her through, it was just hot. Where she had been pleasantly damp with perspiration, now she felt sticky and like she smelled bad, or would very soon. The rocking of the tree beneath her in the wind or from Rush’s movements no longer soothed, but rather tried her patience when she missed her footing in a moment of distraction.

And she was distracted, which was why she jumped when Rush finally did crack his teeth to address her.

“I’m sorry I spoiled your day. I continually trespass on your life without thought or consideration for your needs. My irritation at being dragged away from my work should not have had an impact on your enjoyment of some time in the sun but it clearly has. I’m so sorry, Belle. Again.” Rush’s voice was soft, like a child’s remorse over breaking a piece of heirloom crockery.

Belle’s mouth must have been hanging open when she turned to face him because she had to shut it to swallow before she could address his much too accurate for comfort assumptions.

“Why do you think you spoiled my day? What brought you to that conclusion?” Belle spoke insistently. She grabbed his gaze and held it, though he blinked and appeared to draw in on himself.

“The evidence suggests that you were happy about your day off the ship until I traded your assignment with Eli’s. Perhaps you would have preferred his company as you did instruct me that I needed to make an effort. You were smiling and humming, then you stopped doing those things in favor of attacking the tree.” Rush swallowed, “I can only conclude I am not living up to what you had hoped for in a companion.”

Belle’s heart thundered in her chest and she began sweating in earnest. Should she tell him the truth that it very much was his behavior which had caused her melancholy? She shied away from the direct approach of laying her grievances at his door in favor of trying to draw him out a little bit more if she could. “I confess I am surprised you noticed at all and even more surprised that it matters enough to you to mention it.”

He made a face like she’d slapped him. How interesting. Then he said, “It does matter to me, as I just indicated, that I am an unwelcome pest to you. I know I am no one’s cup of tea, but spoiling your day was not my intent.”

“For such a smart man, you have a very short memory, so I’ll remind you that I’ve already told you I don't mind your company.” Belle tried to resist snapping at him in frustration, she was uncertain if she’d succeeded.

“My memory is entirely adequate. What I am is a precise man who knows when he’s crossed the line, or many lines in my case, and understands the difference between not minding my company and actively desiring it. My company is about as desirable as that of a cockroach, and half as useful I’m sure. Young goes out of his way to remind me of that whenever I start to forget.”

“And Young and I agree so often as to be virtually one mind.” Belle scoffed and shook her head to clear the ridiculous notion. “You clearly have a low opinion of me, which would I guess explain why you haven't given a damn about my happiness unless your guilt was on the line.”

Rush shook his shaggy head in clear befuddlement. “Come on Belle, I have been trying so hard to stay out of your way, to try somehow to make up for my behavior. I don't know why you haven't made my shame public knowledge, but I’m no less ashamed for your having taken pity on me. None of that means I don't care. Quite the contrary.”

While Belle was blinking and flapping her jaw in an effort to make words, Rush pressed on.

“I had hoped to make up for at least some of my sins today if I could manage to be decent company and spare you someone’s insipid blathering, but I’ve obviously made things worse instead of better. I’ve intruded further. All I can do is apologize and tell you I am not actively trying to make your life a living hell. I don't know what else to do.”

“Yep. All about your guilt.” Belle started to climb down out of the tree. She could climb the next one over and leave him alone, since that’s what he wanted. Unwanted tears burned her eyes around the edges and she did not look at him as she descended.

“Was there something else this could be about?” He began to scramble down after her.

Belle reached the ground first and stocked toward the next tree.

“Belle, wait!” She heard a thump and a grunt but then he was beside her with his hand ghosting at her shoulder in an effort to get her to face him.

With an exasperated sigh, she did, and she saw hurt in his face.

“How do I make this better?” He gestured between them, “You are the wronged party, tell me what I can do and I’ll do it.”

“Ok,” Belle acquiesced bitterly. “You want to make this better? Here’s how. Try believing me when I talk to you and actually hearing what I say. And you could also give a damn more than once a month. That wouldn't hurt your cause either.”

She probably, no definitely, shouldn't have said that last bit, but her hurt over his inconsistent behavior needed to be mollified.

“I always care! Belle!” Rush squeezed the words out of an apparently tight throat. “I just don't understand. I’m self-aware enough to know I’m a menace. So I can only conclude that when you say you don't mind my company, you’re being kind because that’s who you are.”

This was the Rush she remembered from his hall of algorithms. The one who had given her his book and held her while she cried. The Rush she wished he would be all the time, at least to her, if he couldn't manage for anyone else. And her rancor fell away as she looked into his eyes.

Belle sighed feeling suddenly sad and heavy. “I can't carry the weight of your self-hatred, Nick. Somehow you have to actually hear me when I’m speaking to you. Do you even realize you all but just called me a liar? I make my own decisions about whose company I keep, and about how I feel about them. I’m not listening to Young or Eli waiting for them to tell me about you. My own brain is perfectly serviceable. So here it is, one more time and slowly so you’ll get it. I was never bothered much by your errant sleeping habits. I could have taken many steps if you were a problem for me. But do you remember what I told you that night when we woke up, well, you know?” He nodded and flushed again in embarrassment. Well, so did she. “I told you that I didn't kick you out because I felt less lonely when you were there.”

Rush’s brow furrowed as if this were only sinking in now and he didn't know what to make of it. “What are you saying? Belle?”

He stepped closer to her, his whole body focused on her like he meant to decipher her the way he did the Destiny.

“That when you decided to, what, give me space?” He nodded. “I felt lonely all over again, and also confused. Because I had thought maybe you had incidental trips to my quarters because your unconscious was trying to meet that same basic human need.”

Rush licked his lips and shut his eyes for just a second before looking deeply into hers, “If there is a way I can make your life better, I will. Just ask me for it. Slowly, so I’ll hear you.”

When had her vision gone so blurry? She blinked rapidly, then answered shyly, “A conversation. Just every now and then, not about work. That would be a good start.”

Now his eyes misted over. He whispered, “So I wasn't so far off today after all?”

“All you had to do was start talking.”

His face wrinkled up like he had tasted something bitter. “If memory serves, it didn't go to well for me when I tried that just a little bit ago.”

Unable to stop herself she grabbed his shoulder and squeezed, “I never said it would be easy, and it seems to be going better for you now. Isn't it?”

“I think so, yes.” Rush, her Rush, was smiling at her now with real human warmth in his eyes.

That cozy feeling returned to Belle’s chest and she smiled at him, fully, brightly. “Yes, Nick, it is. Now come on, you owe me a sunny and pleasant day with you. Like you promised me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen up, you two! Doing the "right thing" is all fine and good, but assuming you know what that is all by your lonesome without consulting the other person involved doesn't work all that well... Tsk. Are there any closets on the Destiny? I'm feeling the need to lock them in one for a while. Anyhoo, I hope you enjoyed. I'm also on tumblr and I hope that you'll come and see me there @theoneandonlylittlebird.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The time for fluff is over so buckle up! Note the updated tags.

Unfortunately, Rush carried on being his exhausted and difficult self with everyone, except her. She received his politeness and in the past month he had brought his breakfast over to her table several times. He might even have conversed with her, but Eli had made it his habit to have breakfast with Belle. Even though Rush usually preceded Eli’s arrival, Eli just plopped down and began his usual cheerful banter about the card game or how his documentary was coming along effectively drowning anything Rush might have been coaxed to say. Eli constantly invited her to come and see his documentary. She always assured him she would, but had yet to get around to it.

Belle had nothing against Eli, she liked him even, but Rush never said a word if Eli was around during meals.

Which left Belle as lonely as ever. Loneliness was a strange affliction. If anything she was suffering from too much company from the wrong person, which made her lonely. It didn't make logical sense. A person should be able to alleviate loneliness with company, but it didn't work that way.

Belle frequently thought back to that day on the planet. After the initial rockiness, Rush had willingly told her about his life as a professor and researcher. He had actually enjoyed teaching, which surprised her. He said he’d tell her what happened to Gloria sometime, but that topic would spoil her sunshine for sure, so it would have to wait.

That made sense. She told Rush about growing up above her family’s flower shop and about moving to the states for college. For her, the single most exciting day of her life had been her acceptance into the Stargate program. He had given her the most genuine and happy smile she had ever seen on his face.

That was the Rush she wanted to see every day, to go to work with every day. But what she got was an anxious, stressed and dilapidated man on the verge of collapse. She was worried. Of course she’d tried to ask him about it and of course she knew he wasn't going to bed when he said he was. He needed help, urgently and she wasn't sure what to do.

Others had noticed too and were trying to figure out what he was up to as the consensus was that he had a side project of some kind. He was supposed to be cracking Destiny’s master code, but no one thought that accounted for his behavior. Belle certainly didn't. She worked closely enough with him to be certain that wasn't what had him so strung out.

A month after their summer day in a nut grove- whose nuts had turned out to be rich and flavorful as everyone had hoped- Belle gave up trying to wheedle the problem out of him. He continued to lie to her about it even though she was pretty clear that she didn't believe a word of it. There was nothing left she could think of to do except to try to follow him.

So she did. Belle didn't tell anyone else about her plans and she left off slightly early from her usual shift. A week ago she had snuck a kino and remote under the guise of some scouting she needed to do and had neglected to return it. She knew it would probably take several attempts to figure out where he was going in order to succeed without getting caught, but she had a plan.

So as not to tip him off, she had set the kino to surveil a corridor two turns away from the interface room every two minutes for thirty minutes on either side of his usual quitting time. She knew he snuck off at odd times during the day, but her best hope to catch him lay with when he thought he was in the clear, not when he left suddenly, for whatever reason.

It took her a week to succeed on figuring out his first turn. Luckily for her, the Destiny had a multitude of long corridors with distant intersections so Rush would be unlikely to notice her kino flying slowly and close to the ceiling two intersections away from the one he was using.

Another three weeks worth of careful and patient work finally delivered her to a keypad for which she had no code, but she knew he was on the other side of the door. That meant all she had to do was wait.

Belle hunkered down with his book and her back comfortably against the bulkhead. He would probably leave in the next hour or two.

Thirty minutes later the huge door opened and her exhausted prey lumbered out. Not before she saw what was beyond the door though.

Belle stood and Rush yipped like a kicked dog.

He slapped at the keypad hastily but she lunged at his hand and yanked it away before he could finish the locking code.

“I don't think so. Come with me.” Belle snarled at him and yanked him by the wrist she had tightly in her grasp back through the doorway and onto the bridge. The truly spent Rush stumbled after her unresisting.

He keyed the door from the inside to close it though once they were through and Belle stood gaping around.

When her eyes returned to his stricken face she could only think of one thing to say, “What. The. Fuck. Nick.”

Furious did not begin to cover it and she did not let go of her ferocious hold on his wrist. She was probably hurting him. Too bad.

He did not resist her and after a moment of what looked like trying to contain tears he said tightly, “Welcome to the bridge, Belle.”

“So you broke the code and found the bridge. Anything else you’d like to share? Or that you wouldn't like to share but had damned well better tell me right now?” With her teeth bared and red faced she must have looked a sight.

He shook his head, demur. “Just that.”

Belle reached for her radio and found herself pinned under the slight but still very strong Nicholas Rush. And he restrained her effectively after he threw her radio across the room.

They lay there panting and staring into each other’s eyes, his as wide and frightened as hers must have been. Belle struggled and he sobbed, of all things, but didn't let her go.

“I’m so sorry Belle, but I can't let you do that. I don't know what to do now, but I can't let you tell them.” He looked terrible and pathetic with tears streaming down his face even has his hands bruised her wrists and the weight of his lower body kept her immobile on the floor.

“Nick? Are you going to attempt to imprison me?” Belle couldn't believe he would. He wouldn't do that.

“I need you to promise me you’ll keep this a secret. At least for now. Then I can let you go. Please, Belle.” He was begging.

“Why would I do that? What have you been keeping from us? Did you find a way home and you just don't want to tell anyone? Is that it?” Belle panted and struggled against him. He applied a bit more strength and Belle became aware that he had not been using everything he had against her and likely still wasn't. Rush was deceptively strong. Belle now thought she couldn't escape without trying to hurt him.

“It’s not that, Belle. I promise. Please!” From his voice, anyone else would have thought she was the one pinning him to the deck.

“I’m not promising you anything without a damned good reason!” Belle hissed at him.

The soft ends of his hair grazed her face when he hung his head. “Belle! Can't you just trust me? It’s so important.”

“You’ve resorted to physical violence because you can't trust me, apparently. How can I possibly trust you?” Belle snapped at him and surged against him to no avail.

“I’m not trying to hurt you. I would never want to hurt you. You know that.” His desperation might have garnered some understanding on her part if not for their situation.

“I will have bruises from this, Nick! Trying or not, you have already hurt me.” Belle growled in anger, though she was trying to keep her head and figure a way out of this.

“Oh gods!” Rush started sobbing in earnest now and his tears fell onto her face. “I never want to hurt you, not ever. I never wanted to hurt anyone.”

He cried hysterically and all Belle could do was stare helplessly.

“Nick, I don't think you’re thinking straight right now.” Belle tried a new tack. “You’re exhausted and you’re obviously scared. Why didn’t you at least try talking to me about it?”

“I wanted to! I wanted to so badly down on the planet, but I couldn't. And now more people will get hurt if I do because you’ll tell all of them and they’ll all make mistakes and I won't be able to correct them in time and even more people will die. I’m so tired!” She could barely understand him through his tears.

“Nick? Did someone die because of this?”

“Riley’s dead and we lost a shuttle and it’s my fault. If I can't do better than that and I’m the most qualified person to figure this out how many more people will die if I let a herd of clumsy, sloppy ignoramuses in here? I don't want anyone else to die, Belle! Help me! Please!”

With that he collapsed on top of her sobbing into her shoulder and released her wrists. His hands kneaded her upper arms and sobs wracked his whole body.

Rather shocked at this admission, instead of struggling away from him immediately, Belle found her hand running through his hair and her other arm hugging him to her while she nuzzled at his ear. “Nick, I don't want anyone to die either, but you’re going to have to trust me! Shh. Shhh.”

Her wrists hurt where his vice-hands had gripped her and she had bruises on her legs and back. She had hit her head on the way down and that hurt too, but an inconsolable Nicholas Rush was in her arms and clutching her like he would fall apart even worse any second. So she stroked his soft hair and down over his beard though his cheek was wet. Belle had no idea what else to do for the moment.

She rubbed his back and waited for him to calm. He was heavy enough that breathing was uncomfortable, but not so heavy that she had to shove him off or smother. It took a subjectively long time for him to calm in her arms, but at last he sat up and away from her abruptly and curled his knees into his chest to rock and pant out his tears.

Belle felt certain she could have left if she wanted to, that he had no more fight left in him to stop her. But she didn't go. And she didn't go for her radio either.

She wanted answers and she knew she would tell the others, but right now she had nothing to tell anyway that would help anyone, Rush was right about that much.

Speaking of which, he had picked his head up from his knees and was looking at her. “Why haven’t you gone? Or summoned the military for my arrest? You’re right, it’s not like I can imprison you and I would never want to. And now I’ve assaulted you. And admitted to murder.”

“I don't think you murdered anyone.” Belle decided to start with the easiest of the things he’d said. “From my perspective. Riley’s death was an accident, a mistake, as you said. I don't think you’d kill anyone without just cause. I haven't called anyone yet because I want answers. I’m not going to get them if this place is swarming with irate soldiers and tinkering busybody scientists who can’t figure out which buttons not to press for want of patience and attention to detail. It isn't like you’re wrong about that part.”

Rush let out a choked sob at this. “Please, Belle, please!”

“Please what? You need to start talking. It’s obvious to me that you’re not far from cracking under the strain of this, if you haven't already from your little demonstration, so you need to start telling me what happened here.” It went against Belle’s nature to press someone in such agony, but no other options presented themselves.

“Ok. But if I talk, I need your word you’ll keep this a secret. No one else can know. No one!”

“That’s no longer your decision. You have proven that your judgment is impaired. You attacked me! It’s now up to me to decide what to do, your only chance is to convince me that you’re right to keep this a secret. Otherwise, I’ll decide on my own what’s best.” Belle insisted as firmly as she could, though she was scared too. Taking on this responsibility made her innards clench and her teeth want to chatter. No wonder Rush was loosing it. He had felt this way from the first moment they set foot on the Destiny.

Rush nodded and took some deep breaths. It took a while before he spoke, but when he did, he surprised her, “Are you ok?”

That’s when Belle realized she had been rubbing at her sore wrists. She met his eyes, then pulled up her sleeve to reveal angry looking hand prints.

“Oh fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck!” Tears escaped his eyes again. “I’m so sorry, Belle. I panicked. I don't want anyone else to die!”

Belle had a hard time taking her eyes away from the marks herself, but finally she pulled her sleeves down. Then she waited while he got ahold of himself. Successfully this time.

“Let me show you then, that’s probably the best I can do at this point. If you see for yourself where I am, you’ll come to the same conclusion. You’re every bit as smart as Eli is, but unlike him- and me- you’re in control of yourself and act like an adult. Maybe this is for the best. You might be the best chance we have, since I have been failing on my own.” Rush stood slowly.

After a moment of looking down at her through red and puffy eyes, he extended his hand to her.

Belle stared at the offering for several breaths before she reached for it and found the hand that had bruised her short moments ago to be gentle and soft as she remembered. His hand started to shake in hers when she was standing but had not yet let go of him.

Rush did not look at her but dropped her hand and went to the central chair. He was about to sit but then he stopped. “Sit?”

It was an offer, a request. She lowered herself into the chair, Rush pressed a button, and she felt the bridge rise, up an up and then the windows were unshuttering. Before her, the expanse of the Destiny gliding through space. Breathtaking.

In a soft murmur, demur and hesitant, Rush guided her through his discoveries. His hands trembled, his voice roughened, and he talked as if he were marching to his execution. Perhaps he thought he was and he was passing his beloved ship on to her.

An hour later he stopped talking.

“Nick?”

“I’m too tired, Belle, I can't do this anymore. Promise me. Promise me you’ll give me the time I need to try to keep us and the ship safe. I know you can appreciate the complexities here and how devastating the consequences of mistakes. I’ve already proven that! Please, I’m begging you. Please.”

And he sank to his knees on the deck before her chair with his head bowed and his hair falling in his face.

Belle stared at the sight in front of her in silence, unable to say a word. This decision was far too huge for her alone. But he had borne it alone for the better part of a year now. Before her was a beaten man who just wanted what was best for the greater good. She’d heard him say that before. She believed it now. Even with bruises on her body of his making, perhaps because of them, Belle felt a sort of awe at the depth of Rush’s commitment to protecting everyone including the ship. But he needed help on this. He could not continue as he was. He was no longer even in control of himself, so far past exhaustion and the human limits of his body was he.

“On one condition.”

His head jerked up and he stared at her both fear and hope in his eyes. He waited.

“I will keep this a secret until I decide it is safe to tell others on the condition that you let me help you. With everything. You hold nothing back, keep no secrets from me. And helping you includes seeing that you care for yourself. You have to trust my judgment about when we need to bring everyone in on this. And about how we do that. You let me help you with everything, no secrets and I decide when we tell others. Those are my terms. Otherwise, I will decide on my own how to proceed. This way, you get to teach me and you get my help and you get a little bit of time, at least.”

His lip trembled, “Belle!” Rush whispered and stretched a hand toward her. “I don't deserve you!”

“Is that a yes?”

“Of course it is, I have no other choice.”

“True. Now come on, you are going to bed and you’re taking the day off tomorrow.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In no way will there be any awkwardness to follow this. :D I hope you are enjoying. You can find me on tumblr @theoneandonlylittlebird and I hope you will.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Domestic violence discussion in this chapter though none occurs, just so you know.

Chapter 5

“You missed the card game last night, Dr. French and you look terrible.”

“Good morning to you too, Eli.” Belle did feel terrible, she couldn't quibble with his assessment. But there were small pieces of fruit in the slop this morning and it was almost sweet.

“So where were you? We missed you.”

“I went to bed.”

Eli froze staring at her.

“No you didn't. I was going over the search kinos just before bed and I saw you headed toward the stern just after your shift. I can't believe you just lied to me.” Eli’s earnest face, so endearing, so naive, and so inconvenient!

Belle had to think fast.

“I was with Dr. Rush.” Rush wasn't going to like it, but it was the perfect cover and Eli would spot another lie so hot on the heels of her first one.

“Doing what?” Eli’s voice wasn't cold, precisely, but the temperature had dropped decidedly from his usual.

Belle stretched out a sore arm before taking another bite of her breakfast in order to delay. She didn't realize what she had done until Eli gasped softly. His gaze was fixed on the now livid bruises on her wrist. The handprint was unmistakable.

Unable to meet Eli’s gaze Belle hastily decided to take advantage of her slip up to further misdirect her nosy companion. “No comments, no judgments, Eli. What consenting adults do in their off hours is no business of yours.”

The choking coming from beside her made the heat in her face worth it.

But it was perfect. Eli’s mortification prevented him from detecting another lie.

And now their cover story was complete. She and Rush could “sneak” conspicuously off together whenever they pleased and the story was so outrageous, so juicy, so salacious that no one would question it. Belle would have to tolerate the frowns and judgmental stares from everyone, but this was necessary.

Besides which, he owed her one, well, at least one.

Rush stared around blearily as he bumbled into the mess hall. She had no need to look at Eli to know he was glaring full force at the unsuspecting Scottish scientist.

Belle darted up from her seat to intercept Rush before he could get too close to anyone. She stopped him by getting right in his personal space, taking one of his hands in hers and whispering in his ear. “Eli just found out about the rough sex we had last night. He’s about to swallow his tongue. Come and have breakfast with me.”

“What!?” Nick exploded, if softly into her ear.

Belle cut off whatever else he had to say by stepping even closer and squeezing his hand probably hard enough to hurt. “Not that it's any of his business, or anyone else's, but this ship is too small to keep certain things to ourselves for long. So come and have breakfast with me.”

“Oh gods! Fuck me, fuck me! I’m too tired for this shit.” Rush swore loudly enough that anyone who had not already turned to stare stopped their conversation bringing the room to silence. His bright red face sold their falsehood perfectly.

Belle dropped Rush’s hand and turned to face the staring and shocked eyes of everyone in the room. “Mind your own business.”

Her tone left no room for doubt or equivocation. Eli was completely scarlet.

Eyes dropped and within seconds whispers were everywhere. Belle felt her own face heat up and she went to sit back down next to Eli.

“I suppose secrets don't keep around here.” Belle sighed and eased her sore body down into the seat without having to fake or hide anything. Rush had left her a multitude of bruises from their scuffle.

Three bites later, Nick joined them. Eli had not touched the remainder of his breakfast and sat staring at the table in shock.

Rush looked pissed and also still embarrassed. She could fault him for neither.

“I certainly would have preferred that certain things remained between us, Dr. French. Now the whole bloody ship is going to be chattering like hungry magpies. Eli, what the hell are you still doing here?” Rush glared pointedly at the embarrassed man-child. “This is the grownup’s table.”

It was everything Belle could do not to grin ferociously. She suspected Rush had been waiting a long time to say that.

Eli, a perfect shade of blistered tomato, grabbed his tray and dashed across the mess so fast she’d have thought he’d been participating in PT if she didn't know better.

But the humor evaporated from the air around them instantly upon his departure.

Belle whispered, “I’m so sorry about this, Nick. He saw the bruises and it was bound to get out eventually.”

Rush blinked hard at his slop. Then he reached tentatively across the table to her and gently took her wrist in his hands. He tugged her sleeve up to look for himself. He winced and blinked several times.

Belle could feel the eyes on them.

Rush ghosted the pad of his thumb over the fingerprints left on her skin then murmured, “I apologize for this, Dr. French, I got carried away. It won't happen again. I swear.”

Then he really shocked her. Rush leaned across the table after pushing his tray aside, bent down over her wrist and softly, tenderly, kissed each finger mark. Belle’s heart skittered and lurched and her breath caught in her throat.

“I promise you,” he whispered. Were his eyes damp? That earnest expression. If she didn't know better, if she didn't know this was an act…

He let go of her then, looked away, and dug into his breakfast.

Only then did Belle register that silence had suffocated the mess hall once again.

That was when Young walked in. Belle stuffed a bite of fruit into her mouth as fast as she could to ensure she was very, very occupied while he stared around the room. There were coughs, some slurps as people drew down on their beverages, and a lot of uncomfortable shifting and rustling fabric.

“I don't even want to know.” Young declared, apparently he had been in his cups the better part of the night because he stank of booze as he walked past her.

Conversation picked up eventually, but neither Belle nor Rush had anything further to say to each other. Not in public at least.

When he got up to leave, casting a shy glance at her, Belle followed him. But he didn't turn off toward his quarters but instead wearily headed toward the interface room.

She grabbed his hand. “No, Nick, you’re taking the day off, remember?”

He frowned at her, but held her hand and walked toward their quarters with her.

Inside his quarters and with the door closed and locked, he turned to face her. “I might have gotten away with taking the day off if the whole ship was not now convinced that the reason for my exhaustion is rough stuff with you all night, every night.” His voice wasn't harsh, but it was insistent. “How would that look now?”

Belle hung her head and then noticed that he was still holding her hand. She didn't see the need to make a change to that situation, so she said instead, “I’m very sorry about that Nick, but Eli caught me in a lie on kino. It was make up something quickly or risk our little secret, which, I know means more to you than your dignity, or mine.”

Rush winced at that last part, but he nodded, “I know. I know. And it’s actually pretty perfect. Scott thinks I’ve been trying to get in your pants for a long time now, Eli suspected, so confirmation will absolutely keep everyone out of our business. But the cost is high, your reputation, doubtless there will be unforeseen consequences. I’d ask you if you were sure, but it’s too late for that now. So I’ll just say thank you and deal with my own embarrassment as just deserts for a growing multitude of sins against you.”

“We will both be paying for your choices, I have a feeling.”

“Yes, which makes me owe you even more. But now, we both have to get to work. I’ll stay out of the key systems today and work on low stakes projects. You can supervise my work as I know you’re capable of doing. I do need rest and you’re right that I’m a liability right now.” Rush was looking at the floor over her shoulder and he was still holding her hand.

“Ok. But there’s one other thing. In order to sell this,” she squeezed his hand, “occasional,” she paused searching for the best word, “publicity will be needed.”

She caught his eyes and he began to blush again. She wasn't far behind him.

It took him a moment to gather himself before he answered, “I will leave that entirely to your discretion, Belle. I’m at your disposal and whatever you need from me is yours. Always, but especially now. You’re in charge of how we proceed and I will keep my end of our bargain. It’s the least I can do. And when it’s done, you can have a brig made for me and have me under watch during working hours, whatever you need to keep yourself safe and satisfied. I’m sorry you will have to sully yourself with my company in the mean time.”

He sounded like a criminal under a sentence he felt he deserved. Belle's heart squeezed and she hated the defeat in his voice, the servitude.

“If there’s a brig at the end of this for you, it won't be because I asked for it. And I will need your consent for any, publicity, we decide on. And you thinking I’ll out your project to everyone is coercion, not consent. I won't have that. I can't bear it. It’s fine if you’re more comfortable with my taking the lead, but I still need to know what is ok and what isn’t. You can't possibly think I would want to assault you.” Belle kept her voice, low, gentle but with no room for equivocation.

He was silent for a moment, “I appreciate that, Belle. Thank you.” He swallowed hard. “I think it is reasonable to say that genitalia are off limits. I could handle just about anything else. You?”

She should have expected the question, but it still caught her off guard. “I agree, that should be fine. There may be moments where ad lib is needed and I am ok with that. You?”

He blinked, still tinged pink and seemingly as embarrassed as she was. “I was assuming that most of this, publicity, would be ad lib. So, yes, within the established parameters, I am ok with that.”

“Ok then.”

“Ok.”

“Ok.” Belle squeezed his hand before she dropped it and headed for the door. “We’re late for work.”

He followed her out.

*** 

All conversation stopped when she and Rush entered the interface room. Then there was the open staring and the stoney faced glares directed at Rush.

Having had enough and they had only just arrived, Belle yelled, “For fuck’s sake! It’s none of your business! Get back to work you, you fucking gossiping fishwives!”

Young came in behind them and addressed her directly, “Is everything ok, Dr. French?”

He was very, very calm and trying to edge himself between her body and Rush’s. Rush looked like he was going to get very messily sick all over the deck any second now.

“What isn't ok is this behavior!” Belle gestured at the staring and glowering scientists and military surrounding them. “They have work to do and who I sleep with and how I do it is no ones business but mine and the person I’m sleeping with. So butt out!”

“Dr. French, everyone is just very concerned and we would feel a lot better if maybe you talked to TJ, without Dr. Rush.” Young’s overly calm tones aggravated her further.

“I don't need to take up TJ’s time because the vanillas are squeamish. No.”

“Ok, I’m not making myself clear. Eli described very clearly what he saw this morning and you could have a fracture. If you don't go see TJ on your own, I will see that you do. And Dr. Rush can wait right here while TJ does her job.” 

Shit, shit, shit. Belle didn't think he had broken anything, but she was very afraid that they would break Rush while she was gone. Beat him bloody or kill him. Maybe both.

She took a deep breath to try to calm herself and reached a hand toward Rush which she found accepted with clammy fingers. “First, Eli has never, ever exaggerated anything in his life, so his expert medical opinion is unquestionably accurate. Secondly, I don't think I have any fractures. I have some bruises. We weren't in a bed, not that it's any of your business. I am not some abused victim for you to rescue. I’m a grown woman who makes her own choices and could put him down if I chose to.”

“No one thinks your a victim, Dr. French-” Scott started, but Rush spoke at last.

“Belle,” Rush stepped closer to her and nearly took her breath away at the look in his eyes. His free hand came up to ghost over her cheek as he spoke. He was choked up, “You and I know I never meant to hurt you, and never would, but I did get carried away and you should never have had bruises from our,” he swallowed, “activities. And I shouldn't either. Perhaps the best thing to do is what they suggest, to put everyone’s mind at ease, including mine. Maybe TJ can look at me too, while she’s at it. Would that satisfy?”

Rush dropped her hand and pulled back the sleeve of his shirt to show the stark relief of her own handprint. She had known she bruised him, but she was utterly unprepared for what the evidence would make her feel.

“Christ!” She choked out and grabbed his hand to bring his wrist up for closer inspection. It looked as bad as hers. “I never meant to actually hurt you!”

She couldn't see well through the water in her eyes.

“Nor I you.” Rush paused for a moment and then in a rough and low voice he said, “The next time we-” he coughed, “make love, it will be in a bed with all the tenderness I can show you. I can't bear this and I think neither can you, so we will amend how we love each other.”

At the end, his voice was rough and gravelly and he had captivated Belle utterly with this eyes. They were huge and scared and moist with the beginnings of tears. If she didn't know better herself, Belle would have believed every word he said, especially the part about love. She couldn't stop herself from reaching up to stroke his bearded cheek several times before nodding in agreement.

His eyes fluttered closed at her touch, then he murmured, “Let’s go see TJ so we can put this behind us, ok sweetheart?”

Belle’s heart skittered and thudded back into rhythm and all she could do was nod, unable to look away. Not thinking this could get any more overwhelming, she could not stop herself from clutching at him when he stepped forward and kissed her forehead softly.

When he stepped back he whispered, but the complete silence in the room let everyone here without a doubt, “I’m so sorry, Belle, this is all my fault and it won't happen again.”

“I'm sorry too, Nick.” That breathy wisp of a voice was hers? Stronger she said, taking his hand again, “Come on, they need to get back to work and we’ve provided them enough drama to keep their traps flapping for at least three months.”

She did not care how baldly she stated her resentment for all of them to hear. Inside, Belle’s belly trembled and clenched and she clutched Rush’s hand. But he was clutching hers too. He probably felt as overwhelmed as she did.

Young followed them closely down the corridor toward the infirmary.

Wray’s eyes bugged out when she saw them hand in hand. Belle tightened her grip on Rush and he began to stroke her gently with his thumb as they walked.

TJ looked up and smiled at Belle then her expression darkened when she saw Rush and that they were holding hands. She gave Rush that same stoney glare everyone else had. Her jaw clenched and she scowled at him darkly.

“Stop it!” Belle cried out in fury, “I’ve had enough of this! You can check him for a fracture first.”

TJ looked at Belle like she’d been slapped. “Him? Why would I check him?”

Belle brought their clasped hands under TJ’s nose so she could not miss the matching marks.

“Oh.”

“You can go now, Colonel. We don't need you here.” Belle said acidly.

“Oh, no, I think I’ll stay. I have time.”

She saw Rush wince at the grinding of her teeth.

He said, “It’s ok, Belle, let him satisfy what he needs to. He won't let it rest until he does. I wouldn't either.”

Belle huffed angrily then turned her glare back to TJ, “Get to it then.”

TJ frowned worriedly at Belle but took Rush to what she had discovered would work as a bone scanner. Not an x-ray machine precisely, but it did let her look for gross abnormalities. She began by gently palpating Rush’s wrist and Belle cringed with each wince or quick intake of breath.

She had thought she didn't care about hurting him last night. She had also thought with her tiny stature, that she couldn't actually hurt him. She had been wrong on both counts. When had her hands wrapped themselves around his opposite biceps and begun stroking soothingly? But when also had be started leaning against her?

When they had agreed to ad lib, never in her wildest imaginings had it been like this. Never had she thought it would flow so naturally, would it be so easy to touch him and be touched. Sure, they had woken up in a compromising position the one time, and he had often held her, but they had been alone and asleep and no one else knew about that. Why did this feel like the obvious extension to those nights together?

Had Belle just gotten herself into a very deep pool of very hot water with her well intentioned scheme? 

Rush’s shaggy head now rested on her shoulder as TJ warily tested his range of motion. Her nose dropped into his locks without her permission and he smelled amazing. Kissing his head seemed so easy, so tempting. So she did.

“Knock it off. I’ve got an exam to do and you’re distracting my patient and me.” TJ growled.

Belle obeyed, embarrassed and ashamed and while she didn't pull away from him, she stopped moving to just hold his arm and be his headrest.

The scan, to her great relief, showed no fractures. All she had done was bruise him. Which was quite bad enough.

“Your turn. Give me your wrist.” Belle obeyed with the wrist whose sleeve was up enough to show.

Rush whispered, “Show her both of them.”

“Oh Christ!” TJ swore, “You’re a real prince charming aren't you, Rush? What did you do, pin her?”

Rush’s face crumpled and he looked away.

“TJ!” Belle hissed at her, “What two consenting adults do on their own time is nobody’s business, and this has gone quite a bit further than it ever should have already. Please get this over with so we can get back to work.”

She didn't like lying to TJ, there had definitely been no consent, but she was in too deep now to back out.

“Dr. Rush, come with me.” Young looked like a thunderhead.

“Whoah! No!” Belle launched herself off the exam bed and put herself between Rush and Young. “He’s not going anywhere out of my sight until you know he hasn't broken me. I can't trust you not to hurt him.”

Rush placed soothing hands on her shoulders and said, “It’s alright Belle, I’ll be fine.”

“No, no you won't, Nick, there’s a mob out there with your name on it and I won't stand by while they beat you to death over nothing!” Belle was panting and she was scared. Young’s expression told her everything she needed to know.

Miracle of miracles, TJ stepped in. “I agree with Belle, I don't like what I see going on here, but as of now we have no evidence of harm, just two adults being rough with each other. If he was more than a little rough during sex, we’ll know it very soon. Rush can stay until we have the evidence and you, Colonel can make sure everyone here stays safe while we get it.”

TJ’s voice was flat and calm, if under the strain of the situation.

“Fine, but the second we have that evidence, I’ll see to it that you get a word alone with Dr. French.”

Belle knew she couldn't do any better than that for the moment so she submitted herself to the same battery of tests Rush had undergone a moment ago. He stood behind her rubbing circles on her back and said nothing.

The longer it went on, the more Belle worried TJ might actually find something and it was difficult to swallow past the knot in her throat.

TJ pulled up the image of both her wrists side by side. And it took forever. She magnified each and every part of the image scouring it fastidiously. Belle had scooted backwards on the bed to lean against Rush who ran his hands up and down over her shoulders. She could feel him breathing and the muscles of his stomach clenching and tensing. She wished she could see his face but she couldn't look away from TJ’s work for fear of missing something herself.

“You told me you broke your left arm as a kid, so I’m worried that he might have aggravated that old injury. Does it hurt at all?” She palpated Belle’s arm just below the elbow rather less gently than Belle thought was strictly necessary.

“No, it doesn't hurt. It hasn't hurt in twenty years.” Belle did her best to keep her voice level.

TJ stopped but left her hand on Belle’s arm for a second more before taking a step back and looking at Young. “There are no fractures that I can see. It looks like he held her very tightly for a brief span of time. The same with him. That’s all I can say for sure.”

“So it could have been as they say, rough sex? Really?” Young sounded incredulous.

“That is one possible situation in which these injuries could have occurred, yes. I wasn't there, I can’t say for certain that that’s what did happen and that he didn't do something else to her, but he does have bruising matching her hand size on him, so the evidence points in that direction. Another possibility would be a struggle of some kind, but in a fight I would expect to see facial injuries because people like to hit each other in the face. And in the belly. Both of you lift up your shirts, just to be sure.”

Belle jumped down off the bed and lifted her shirt to expose her stomach, free of bruises. So long as TJ didn't look at her bottom, shoulder blades or the back of her head, they were in the clear.

She looked over at Rush while he came to stand beside her and lifted his own shirt. No fist shaped bruises on either of them.

“I think that’s really more than enough. I expect to be left in peace about this and to never hear another word on this subject from anyone. This is Nick and my private business which has been unjustly paraded all over the ship and I’m done with this charade!” Belle stated emphatically.

“I agree. Neither of our injuries are remotely serious, no one has been punching anyone, and our sex lives are none of anyone else's business. Eli blew this whole thing way out of proportion, as usual, and quite frankly, we are both owed sincere apologies.” Rush added with no less emphasis.

If only it had stopped there.

“Uh huh. Like we buy that. Dr. Rush, you’ll accompany me while TJ has a chance to talk to Belle in private and you won't see her again until TJ is satisfied. That’s that. Come with me now, or I’ll call Greer to help you come with me.” Young snarled.

“You’re not taking him out of my sight!” Belle clutched at Rush’s arm. “I can't trust you not to hurt him. You’ve seen the evidence, rather the notable lack thereof, the case is closed and you are not needed!”

Rush turned his back on the colonel and cupped her cheek in his palm. The soft pad of his thumb stroked over her cheekbone and he said nothing for a long moment while he held her gaze with his. Belle could not believe what she was seeing in his eyes. If she had thought he had been warm when he gave her his book, she was completely unprepared for the bonfire of tender care in his gaze now.

“Belle,” he murmured, “I’ll be alright. He won't lay a hand on me because the whole crew believes he left me on that planet to die and he cannot afford the PR nightmare that would come from confirming those suspicions. He won't do it. His position of leadership is too tenuous. We are the only two people who know what happened. So talk to TJ, satisfy her that we are no threat to one another, tell her whatever you wish. I trust you.” He paused and heaved a few quick breaths, then he said, so softly, “I love you.”

His lip trembled for a moment, then he strode toward the door and the waiting Colonel Young.

“Nick!” Belle didn’t know she was crying until she heard his name echoing after him.

“Belle.” TJ sounded more than just clinically concerned. They were friends after all. “I had no idea you were seeing Dr. Rush.”

“It’s new, we hadn't felt ready to tell people.” Belle turned back to face her friend and swiped at her tears.

“If that’s his idea of sex, I can see why. I’m very, very worried by what just happened here.”

“And I'm afraid for his life!” Belle cried out over whatever else TJ might have wanted to say.

“Then, for the love of the gods, Belle, convince me you’re not in danger. No one trusts him. And now, the two of you have been off having a secret relationship. He’s exhausted, probably past the point of sound judgment, as he’s just demonstrated, and before today, no one had any idea how he felt about you, or how you about him. You can see how this is incredibly disturbing for everyone. Eli was very right to come to me about it.” TJ meant every word she said, Belle could see it in her open expression.

“He’d never hurt me on purpose. We got carried away last night. Both of us did.” Belle didn't like the feeling of defending the man who had attacked her, but she had no choice in the matter and Rush’s life was very much in danger. She believed he would not have hurt her seriously because if all Rush did at the end of his rope was get a radio away from her to protect the lives of everyone on board, he was no threat. Still, it felt weird. She had been frightened in the moment, though it had passed quickly.

“Why only one wrist?”

“What?”

“He pinned you, so hard you couldn't move, but you only bruised one of his wrists. You never pinned him.” TJ knew her business, but Belle was a competent thinker.

“I dragged him a few steps into a room. That’s how we got started.”

“You instigated?”

“Yes I did.” The truth was easier to hide behind than any lie.

TJ rubbed at her forehead, “Just tell me, are you afraid of him? At all?”

“No.” That was an easy, quick answer.

“I’m so not cut out for this.” TJ complained and sighed. “You’re sure? We can keep you safe, Belle, we may need his help with certain things, but if we have to keep him under guard, we will. All you have to do is give me the slightest inkling that you need my help and we’ll do everything to keep you safe.”

“TJ, I am safe with him. He’s not going to hurt me. It feels like there’s nothing I can say that will convince you, or anyone else. I don't like that. I don't like seeing him like this when he doesn't deserve it.” A slimy half-truth, but there was no way around it. He had assaulted her and on Earth she could have pressed charges, but he had not done what everyone thought he did. And even if she could have pressed charges here, she wouldn't have. She understood why he did what he did and the fact remained that even in a state of exhausted panic, Rush hadn't hurt her. Not intentionally and not seriously in any case.

It had been a scuffle. If she had been one of the other soldiers, a man for that matter, she doubted anyone would have thought twice about the incident.

TJ pulled Belle into her arms and hugged her. Belle hugged back. “Belle, I’m afraid for you. I never saw this coming and I can't imagine what you see in him. Promise me you’ll come to me if, if anything.”

“I will, but you’ll see. Now that our relationship is public, you’ll see how he is with me. It’s fine, I promise, TJ.” Belle gave TJ a final squeeze then let her go.

“How about this? I’ll feel much more comfortable if I know you can come to me with out him controlling you somehow. Will you come to me, at least every two weeks, just for five minutes without him so that I know you’re ok?” TJ was begging.

Belle relented, if this was what it took, “Every three weeks, we can have lunch together, just you and I, and after six months, you’ll let this go. Deal?”

TJ considered, “Ok Belle, but you can't skip. If there’s an emergency or something, you reschedule with me.”

Belle nodded. Then she softened, “You’re a good friend, TJ. I know you care and I promise it's ok. Really.”

TJ sighed gave Belle one more look head to toe and then spoke into her radio, “Let him go, Colonel.”

“Seriously, TJ?”

“I said let him go. Send him to his quarters for the day, he needs to rest. Medic’s orders. TJ out.”

“Thank you.” Belle told her earnestly and then bolted out the door.

When she arrived at his quarters she found Scott leaning against the bulkhead looking harassed and exasperated.

Well, she knew how that felt. “Matt, please tell me he’s not a prisoner under your guard.”

“Not precisely. Young told me to make sure he stays in his quarters today, TJ’s orders.” Scott scrubbed a hand through his hair.

“First reasonable thing anyone’s done. I won't stay long, but I do need to speak to him. In private.” Belle began to walk past Scott, but his hand on her shoulder stopped her.

“Belle, please, just hear me out. I don't think his getting lost was any kind of accident. What if he really is a creep? How can you be sure? We just want to keep you safe.” Scott’s voice was gentle and concerned.

“He’s not a creep, Matt. He’s not. And yes, his visits were accidental. They may have led us to our present relations, but it wasn't by some nefarious design of his. This was my idea. I instigated, not him, and it took a huge amount of coaxing to get him to even consider friendship with me, let alone more. For the first time since we’ve been out here, I don't feel so lonely and now Eli’s fit of hyperbole is making an awful mess of my relationship. I don't appreciate it and it's hurting someone-” she blinked several times, “-I love.”

And that was the moment Belle realized just how much trouble she was in. Never mind the deceit over the bridge and the master code, or this charade about her bruises, Belle could handle all of that and a can of worms. But this, this she had not expected, or anticipated, or even considered as a possibility. She’d wanted his company, his friendship, sure, but the surge of raw panic she’d felt earlier when he had told her he loved her and walked away could only mean one thing.

She actually did love him and he was playing a part in a play of her own making, nothing more. Sure, he was a fine actor, another thing she never saw coming, but she was completely unprepared for real emotions to stomp through her neatly built set like a zombie tyrannosaur. And now, whatever chance there may have been was gone because this massive lie would forever shadow whatever developed between them.

Tears prickled her eyes and she couldn't look at Scott, who was staring at her, speechless.

Her breath hitched and she slapped at the door opener. Thank goodness he’d left it unlocked. Having to knock would have been too much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And thus begins a "fake" relationship. A favorite trope of mine and when it appeared in this story as I was writing, I was SO delighted. Should I feel guilty about what I do to my characters??? Nah!!!


	6. Chapter 6

Rush flew off his bed the second she entered and he locked the door behind her as fast as humanly possible. Then he was at her side.

“Are you alright?” He sounded urgent, concerned. His hand hovered at her shoulder, but didn't land to comfort her as she wished it would.

“Am I alright?! Are you? Did he hurt you?” Belle searched him for signs of blood or further bruises, wanting to touch him but only just managing to keep her hands to herself.

“I was right, enough to suspend my execution anyway. But he threatened me quite thoroughly. If he sees you with so much as a boo-boo, his word, he will murder me with a firing squad on the next planet and leave my body for whatever carrion creatures live there.” Rush smiled humorlessly at her.

“I am so sorry, Nick!” Belle started crying. “This is worse than if I’d just told Eli right there in the mess in front of everyone. You’ll never live this down, someone will always doubt you. No matter what. I didn't think of this before I spoke. I failed to take Eli’s do-gooder childishness into account. I’m so sorry.”

Blinded by her tears she didn't see his hug coming, but then he was holding her and rocking her and shushing. “Belle, none of this is your fault. I kept secrets. I did assault you, so I deserve every minute of this. I asked you to lie for me instead of being a good enough scientist to do the job of keeping everyone safe on my own. You protected me, my lies and my incompetence and now you are paying the price for my behavior, again. None of this is your fault and I do not deserve your loyalty, however I came to possess it. Whatever it takes to make this better for you, I will do it. I owe you far more than I can repay, but I will take whatever the consequences of this are on myself alone.”

“Nick, I, gods this is a mess.” Belle buried her face in his neck heedless of the tears dampening him.

“Yes it is, and it's my fault. Most things are. I’ve been almost good enough my whole life and this is no different. But Belle, you shouldn't stay long. Captain America out there will get twitchy if you do.”

“Yes, but I can't go out there looking like this or he’ll murder you without question. And there’s something else.” Belle’s heart thundered rapidly in her chest, knowing how much this was going to hurt in the long run, but there was no other choice. “TJ’s condition for letting you go was that I meet with her regularly, alone. I told her she’d see how you are with me and that it wasn't what she, and everyone else, thinks. So…”

Belle couldn't finish the sentence.

“So? So what. That seems like a good plan to me. How does this change anything?”

So I love you for real and this is going to be horrendous for me. No, she couldn't say that. So she took her time before finally answering him slowly, “I hadn't planned on us needing to make too many public appearances, for both of our sakes, but now we have something to prove and that could take, well, it will take a bit of work.”

“And you’re not so comfortable with that. I get it. Then the sooner we get this solved, the less I’ll be a burden to you. You’re leading this and I’ll abide by any parameters you give me. I promise, Belle. I don't want to make you any more uncomfortable than you already are, this is bad enough.” Rush backed away, revoking his hug.

Which felt horrible, like the sun went out.

“Nick, that’s not it, think this through. No one can ever know that we aren't, that we aren't in a real relationship because the only way to clear your reputation and mine is to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt to everyone that what happened was exactly what we said, us getting carried away. I can't live with them thinking you’re a controlling abuser of some kind. And I don't want to live with being your victim in everyone’s eyes.”

“I’m sorry, Belle, but I still don't see how this changes the plan, we let ourselves be seen, I promised to behave myself and let you take the lead, then we break up, publicly, problem solved.” Rush looked earnestly perplexed and concerned.

“Nick, we will show them what you’ve discovered and when we do, they cannot think that I was complicit because you beat me into it. Do you see now?”

Rush’s face went white.

Belle continued, “The best outcome we can hope for is one where publicly, I helped you because I trusted you and because,” Belle couldn't stop the hitch in her voice, “we are happily in love with each other. Otherwise I’ll always be your victim and you will be airlocked. They won't wait for a planet, Nick.”

He was silent a long time before he murmured, “This is, indefinite, then?” 

He gestured between them.

“Doesn't have to be, but it will be of longer duration than I had thought would be necessary, and probably of greater intensity than either of us agreed to.” It was everything Belle could do to keep her face clinically practical. If he found out the truth of her feelings now, any chance of this becoming a reality was blown right out into space. If it wasn’t already, which it probably was.

He nodded but didn't say anything while he thought it over. He pitched his voice low, soothing, “This could, no, will get messy, Belle. Messier. I need you to know right now that I never, ever want to hurt you. A short duration mock up is one thing, and I think both of us could handle that without too much trouble. But over the long term, lies are not terribly durable. I will do everything I can to get us through this with the minimum of discomfort, but I am only starting to imagine the number of ways this could go horribly, horribly wrong.”

His eyes were so full of sincerity and caring, the Rush she had been privileged enough to see on a few rare occasions. She hoped her own expression mirrored that. 

She decided to tell him a little of the truth. “I see that, Nick. And I don’t want to hurt you either. In truth, I’m afraid this will destroy what I had hoped was a fledgling friendship between us, not because of anything you or I would do, but because of outside circumstances. I’m afraid I’ve already just lost the one person out here I can truly talk to. You’re so right. Lies aren't durable.”

Rush took one of her hand in his and Belle sucked in a quick breath.

“Belle, you will never lose my friendship. I promise. No matter what. It might be covert in the end, but I will always be there for you. What I don't expect is for you to return that friendship, especially not now. That you just stood there and called me your friend is nothing short of astounding. I don't understand it and I have done nothing to merit it.” He scrubbed a hand through his hair, “I will do everything in my power to protect you from this, from any blame at all. Even if it means an airlock with my name on it.” How was his voice so steady?

“I won't let them airlock you if there’s anything in the universe I can do to stop it.” Belle whispered hoarsely.

Staring into his eyes was dangerous, she was going to fall into them and drown. Slowly, and she was going to love every minute of it.

He spoke, “I will do everything I can to fix this as quickly as possible, Belle. With you to help me, I think we can. But you need to go now. I’m going to get some sleep and tomorrow we’ll give our friends a show, if you’re ready and willing, and then we’ll sneak off and get to work. Ok?”

She nodded. “Ok, sleep well Nick.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I personally guarantee things will go wrong in all the best ways.


	7. Chapter 7

“I tucked him in,” she told Scott on her way out. “He’ll be a good boy today and I will see to it that he takes better care of himself from here on out. As much as that’s possible.”

Scott gave her a long suffering sigh but said nothing as he watched her pass.

Returning to the interface room was like walking into a room full of shelved munitions.

Before she could say anything, the room blew up in her face.

“Young locked him up, right? Threw away the key?” That was fucking Volker.

“Dr. French, I know it can be hard to leave an abuser, especially when he’s forcing you to keep your relationship a secret.” Lisa Park went on Belle’s shit list, even if her comment was at least aimed at her well being.

“And here I was thinking he couldn't possibly be any worse! Belle if I had had any idea, I’d never have left you alone with him on that planet. Are you alright?”

“Eli!” Belle shouted right in his face when he approached. Her rage and fatigue had simmered over the course of the morning into an acidic concentrate in a hot pan.

For a wonder it worked though. Eli took a step back and went rather pale, which was saying something with his ruddy complexion.

In the silence that followed, Belle stared around the room sparing no one her fury while she took a couple of calming breaths.

“I was under the impression that our very lives are in danger every moment we spend on this ship and that we’re desperate for a ride home. That seems like it would keep people pretty busy most of the time.” With her voice soft and sarcastic everyone was paying close attention, trying to hear what she had to say. “Not a few of us have managed to find some comfort and recreation in the arms of our fellows and until today, no one has been begrudged that fleeting peace. Now, because apparently there hasn't been enough drama for him, Eli, instead of, oh, I don’t know, talking privately to me about his concerns, has made a living hell for me. You don't get to speak, you’ve done quite enough of that already!” 

Belle shut him down as he opened his mouth to protest. “I get that Dr. Rush isn't everyone’s cup of tea. He’s a straight up pain in the ass to most of you. I know that. But you, all of you, know he isn't that way toward me. Not since our early days aboard Destiny. Yes, he’s way too busy for most people on this ship and yes he has less patience than a pissed off fire ant for fuck-ups on his best days, but Nicholas Rush loves.”

Belle had to pause because saying that last part was difficult around a tight throat.

But she pushed on ahead, “He loved his wife until she died. He doesn't talk about it much, but I think her death nearly destroyed him. And now, after all this time, I have finally managed to get him to open up a little. I’m embarrassed it took me as long as it did to see what he was trying not to say with his awkward politeness toward me. He loves me.” Belle choked around that for more than one reason, “But if I hadn't spent months trying to get him to so much as be my friend, I would still be without the solace that many of you enjoy.” 

She had to suck in a breath at saying that out loud, but she had to get this done. “Nick isn't perfect, but neither am I. And damn it Eli! I don't need you driving him further into his guilt complex which has been hard enough to crack. Or any of you for that matter. What happened between Nick and I was personal, very personal. We both regret the outcome, but we would have worked through that quietly and on our own if not for your officious and extraordinarily unwelcome interference. I’m sorry to say this Eli, but your childishness has crossed the line. Every person in this room has had a bruise they got from sex, except you of course, because, well I don't need to say it. Your ignorance and impulsiveness just put Nick and I through a very terrifying morning. You put his life in danger, Eli! Because you couldn't think far enough to trust me and to ask me privately if you had concerns. You owe us both a huge apology. And one more thing, so you truly understand the consequences of what you just did. Nick, no matter what, will never live down the doubt you just created in everyone’s minds. No matter what, he will have to live with wondering if someone is going to take it upon themselves to seek justice for me, or some other warped nonsense. You simply have to grow up, Eli! You are a liability.”

Belle fell silent while she caught her breath. No one moved. Eli had tears in his eyes, but thankfully, he was still frozen in shock so his diuretic mouth hadn't started moving yet.

“Oh, and just to get this out of the way, I am no one’s victim!” Belle turned in a circle to look each shocked face in the eyes. “Is there anyone in this room who thinks I would put up with that? Anyone? Good. Now get your intrusive asses back to work.” Belle turned back to Eli. “You owe me and you owe Nick an apology. Not some half-baked ‘gee-sorry’ a real, thought-out, considered and mature apology. And I don't want to hear another word from you until you’ve delivered just that.”

She turned away from him and stalked over two where Rush had left one of his tiny notebooks and his glasses. She carefully collected both, wishing he were beside her. Then she grumbled, “I’ll find somewhere else to work today. I really don't feel like company so don't send anyone after me.”

And she tried not to flee.

Belle spent the day in a space suit looking through damaged portions of the ship. She knew Rush would be angry with her for doing it alone and not telling anyone where she was going, but she couldn't face anyone.

She did feel pretty guilty about nailing Eli’s balls to the wall with a thumb tack in order to protect their lies, but enough of what had happened today was directly Eli’s fault that Belle felt justified. She would miss his friendship, his joviality, the sunny nature of his disposition, but she had not seen his total freak-out coming. He had magnified a situation that should have been mildly embarrassing for her and Rush into something dangerous something that could have gotten Rush lynched by a mob that had enough reasons to distrust him. If Eli had cost her Rush…

Belle didn't know what she would have done.

The day alone did give her ample time to dig into herself and take a less oblique look at the emotions that had surfaced unexpectedly.

She did love Nicholas Rush. When had that happened? And what was she going to do about it now?

Eli had certainly destroyed any chance of a happy ending for herself and her shaggy Scottish scientist with his behavior today. 

And Belle let herself cry over the loss. Bitterly and as long as there were tears in her to cry. The loneliness felt even more overwhelming now that the one person she truly felt a connection to was simultaneously hopelessly out of her reach and going to be a daily, up-close and personal reminder of her misery for the foreseeable future. 

No peace for Belle, no comfortable quiet conversation after a long day for Belle. No sex. Ever again.

A high cost indeed. There were moments as she walked through the depressurized compartments where Belle thought maybe her crew mates weren't worth all the trouble she and Rush were taking to protect them. Dark thoughts indeed. She’d never act on them, but she heard them in her head, and could not unhear them.

Ten hours later, Belle had had enough of her own morose company and doffed the space suit intent on a shower and then dinner with Rush. If he’d eat with her. If they’d let him leave his quarters.

She shouldn't have left him alone so long. Belle’s tired brain all but panicked at this thought and she forwent the shower in favor of all but sprinting to his quarters.

Scott had slouched against the wall and was staring into space.

“Day’s over, Matt. Go on, he’s served his sentence.” Belle’s voice sounded tired even to her own ears.

Scott stood up from his casual repose. “I heard about what you said to everyone this morning-” Belle rolled her eyes and her shoulders bunched up but Scott put up surrendering hands. “You’re nobody’s victim. And, uh, we’ve all had bruises. Brody, of all people, says that certain, communities, are just more discrete about where and how they leave marks. But he backed your play.” Scott frowned and just as Belle was about to say something he continued. “We’re here for you and you’re right that Rush will never live this down, we’ll watch him and if he ever steps out of line as far as you’re concerned, there’ll be hell to pay. You can't expect differently from us, Belle. We all care about you.”

Her rage flared again but Belle supposed this was the price they would be paying for their deceit and if that price was people caring about her safety, well it could be worse, so long as no one hurt Rush. She said simply, “Good night, Matt.”

Scott blew out a long breath and lumbered off down the hallway.

Belle knocked anxiously on Rush’s door.

It opened almost instantly. He peered at her with what looked like both relief and concern.

“I had a bad day.” Belle said.

“Me too, dinner in the mess?” He still looked tired.

“I was going to say your quarters, but you’re right. Public is better.”

“Unfortunately.” With that he took her hand and started for the mess hall.

Rush’s hand was soft and warm and comforting and Belle just wished with every fiber of her being that this was real.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Publicity is coming, promise!


	8. Chapter 8

Work the following day was grueling, as they both expected.

The silence had been oppressive and if not for Rush’s steady stream of casual touches and reassuring murmurings about their work, Belle might have started yelling. Again. Eli had not so much as glanced at her, or Rush for that matter.

The other scientists talked quietly to each other only if they had to and the military avoided the interface room as much as they possibly could. Anyone who had any excuse to be somewhere other than the interface room took it and lots of exploring got done over the course of the day. Various things that needed to be fixed became suddenly urgent excuses to get away and eyes avoided herself and Rush in the corridors.

Belle’s shoulders ached and she had seen Rush roll his many times over the course of the day. She wanted to massage out his knots, and for him to do the same for her. Belle had to shut down those thoughts, quickly.

Never had twelve hours gone by so slowly. She almost wished for a brand new alien to take their collective minds off the situation. But she knew way better than that.

At last Rush said, “Still room?”

“Oh gods yes!” Belle sighed in relief. He stroked her back and then took her hand as they left their stations.

“That was miserable.” Belle declared when they were out of earshot of the interface room.

“Yes it was, but those fucks just had their most productive workday in at least three months.” Rush sounded smug.

Belle couldn't help herself, she laughed out loud and the release of tension felt so good. Rush chuckled and she saw him smile, so rare a thing. She loved his smile. She would have to endeavor to see it more often.

“I’m not looking for a hangover,” Rush said with mock sternness, “Just so we’re clear.”

“Dear gods no, no hangover. Agreed.” She bumped his shoulder playfully and he gave her another small smile.

Belle liked holding his hand too much. Which brought her mind to the other purpose of their going out together. A herd of butterflies stampeded in her stomach. They needed to show everyone that they were the quintessential caring and gentle couple they claimed to be. Publicity.

In a small voice she said, “I’m nervous, Nick.”

“Me too,” he all but whispered back and squeezed her hand. “It’s going to be fine. Everything’s going to be just fine.”

Belle didn't care that he was lying to her.

The still room was loud and crowded when they arrived. Everyone was talking animatedly and they knew what about before they even reached the threshold.

“-so disgusting! With his hands all over her and looking at her like she’s chocolate and strawberries on Valentine’s Day. I always hated that trumped up excuse for a greeting card holiday anyway. It’s super gross. I don't know what she sees in him. Sure he’s been alright to her, but everyone knows that if a guy is an ass to everyone except his girlfriend, it's only a matter of time before he’s an ass to her too. She’s way too smart to fall for that.”

Belle glared at the back of Corporal Barns’s head. She would have stopped walking if Rush hadn't given her a reassuring nod of his head and tugged her to follow him. She admired the way Rush held his head up and ignored the sudden quiet pockets of people as they noticed who had just walked in. Most of them gave the pair the stink-eye before taking a swig and returning to their conversations, some loudly and about Rush and Belle in spite of knowing full well they could be overheard.

Belle would have fled if not for Rush’s hand in hers and the promise of a stiff, rigid more like, drink.

Brody was at his usual place distributing his wares. He gave them both a conciliatory smile. “Tough couple of days, eh?”

“Yes, Mr. Brody, tough indeed. One for me and one for the lady.” Rush leaned over and kissed the top of Belle’s head.

“The rumor mill around here is fierce. Maybe next time try something softer for restraints than your hands. My partner and I used to enjoy fuzzy cuffs and the like. Gets the job done without any wagging tongues.” Brody advised casually while he poured for them.

“Thank you, Mr. Brody, I haven't given you all the credit you deserve. Smart man.” Rush said as he accepted the offerings.

“I’ll hold you to that, Dr. Rush.”

Belle smiled gratefully at Brody and Rush gave him a polite nod. They moved into the crowded room.

“Nick, I don't want to stay in here, dinner on the observation deck instead?” Belle suggested.

He nodded and they wove their way out of the oppressive room.

By the time they arrived on the observation deck, Belle’s usual card game companions were deep into a game. One they had not mentioned to her. Her shoulders sagged and one glance at Rush told her he knew exactly what was going through her mind.

He whispered, “I’m so sorry, Belle.”

“Nothing for it,” she replied and led him to where they had first gotten drunk together.

They ate their unsatisfying meals in silence listening to the sound of cards slapping on the table as the game continued even though the players had stopped talking as soon as the pair walked in. As the meal wound down the players gradually began talking again when someone won a hand or got particularly unlucky.

Belle and Rush set their trays aside and looked out over the bow of the Destiny, as beautiful as ever, shooting through space. They sat side by side, not touching.

Finally Belle looked over at him to find him watching her.

He whispered, “There’s no rush on this, if you’re uncomfortable.”

Belle shook her head, “There can't be any daylight between us, we can't let them see awkwardness at this critical juncture or they’ll think that something’s wrong between us and it will cement their opinions of you. We need to be seen as completely united and in perfect accord. Otherwise they’ll never let this go.”

Rush looked down and nodded. After a moment he said, “Lead the way.”

“Hold me?” Belle didn't like how plaintive that sounded, but his brow wrinkled and he gathered her into his arms. Snuggling down against his shoulder with his head leaning against hers Belle stared out the windows at the stars streaming by.

And she wished again that this was real. It had been, on those instances where he would hold her unconsciously. She wanted that simple innocence back, this was hard.

She willed herself to relax in his arms. Real or not, he was holding her. Her hand rested on his belly and she could feel it rising and falling with his breath. His body heat began to chase away the chill of the last few days and her muscles began to slowly uncoil themselves. She could feel him relaxing too, felt his nose in her hair, his fingers curling around her ribcage as he tucked her against his side.

Belle began to rub his belly unconsciously, wanting to sooth him as he was her and he shifted closer to her in response. As if her hand belonged to someone else, a bold and brazen stranger, Belle watched as she explored the contours of his shirt and ran her hand under his vest while she gave herself the tour of his upper body. Her hand came to rest over his heartbeat.

Feeling him alive beneath her hand calmed and settled her so she rolled onto her side a little and brought her feet up beneath her, cuddling closer to him and appreciating how his heart beat faster as she did so.

Given access to more of her back, he explored her as she had him a moment ago. He stroked up and down her spine and an appreciative humming noise escaped her before she could stifle it, but instead of putting him off, he brought his other hand up to stroke her hair and pull her closer still.

They stilled into this new position and listened as another round of cards was won and lost on the other end of the room. The players had begun ribbing each other again and while the conversation was nowhere near as lighthearted as she remembered from previous nights with the group, Belle felt certain that they were at least pretending to ignore her and her pretend lover.

He shifted his head and the ends of his beard tickled her forehead. Belle shook her head ever so slightly unable to tolerate the tickling sensation and she smiled up but froze when she met his eyes. So wide and dark, so intense. He smiled a little too and bowed his head to nuzzle at her hairline with the bridge of his nose.

Belle started breathing faster and she felt his heart speed up again. She pulled her head back enough to look in his eyes and she could now see his nervousness reflecting her own.

“Are you alright, Nick?” Bell whispered as softly as she could.

With a sad smile, he nodded, “You?”

“Just nervous.” She couldn't look away from his eyes. He didn't look away either. “You’re sure you’re ok with this? Just give me the word and we can stop, go to bed.”

“I'm a little nervous too, but it’s ok, Belle, it’s going to be ok. Do what you think is natural. It’s fine.” His heart rate told her the truth of how nervous he really was. 

He seemed to sense her doubt so he brought her hand from his chest to his lips and kissed her palm. “I promise, I’m ok.”

He spoke those words into her palm and his beard brushed her skin lightly in contrast to the softness of his lips. Holding her hand gently still, he returned it to his chest where he continued to hold it over his still rapidly beating heart.

And now she was watching his lips. How his beard framed them, made them look velvety soft in contrast to the hairs protruding all around them. And she now knew they were soft. And Belle wanted to kiss Rush. A look back up at his eyes told her he knew she was looking at his lips, but had he not just begun looking at hers?

She had known she would need to kiss him eventually to keep up appearances, to sell this mockery they were creating, when she dreamed up the scheme, but that had been before she had heard him say he loved her and Young had ripped him from her. Now Belle just wanted to kiss him even though it felt like she would be taking something that didn't belong to her. 

He, though as nervous as she, had shown her no sign of objection to their present closeness and he had to know that this would happen eventually or the ruse would be discovered.

The look in his eyes though, he looked so much like a man in love waiting for her to kiss him. She knew all of this was for the benefit of the card players across the room, and Eli specifically whom Belle had caught watching them on multiple occasions. But Belle wanted to let go of all of that and just believe what Rush was showing her right now.

He whispered, “It’s ok.”

He must have seen her fear and was trying his best to let her know he was fine with this. His heart thundered under her hand and he rubbed her knuckles soothingly. He had to know she could feel his heartbeat.

Do the brave thing, she thought to herself and then Belle stopped thinking and gave in.

He met her halfway and for an instant the world around her dissolved into just the barest brush of their lips. Soft and warm, the contrast of his beard, a hint of pressure. Her breath stopped and then she was holding his lips with hers, gently, but a real kiss.

Her heart galloped in her chest along with his and his hand tightened on her back. That warm rush she had felt before suffused her head to toe and the silky sensation of his mouth against hers wasn't enough. Belle kissed him again massaging his lips with hers and opening her mouth before her brain could catch up and stop her.

But even if her brain had been able to let her know she had perhaps gone beyond what was called for, Rush had responded in kind and his tongue had met her questing one to tap and stroke and explore. Before Belle could get a handle on herself, they were kissing each other as if babies were imminent.

Wet, demanding, hungry, earnest, hot, desperate. Passionate, so passionate.

And Belle did not want to stop. She gasped for breath when she could and sensed him doing the same. His hair was so soft in her fingers as she clung to his head for leverage only dimly noting that he had a fist full of her hair as well, holding her to him firmly.

His arm around her back secured her in place and Belle lost herself utterly to the kiss.

Lips and tongues, slippery and insistent. Quivering heat surged through her whole body, devouring her entirely.

Until someone, Eli, started cursing, from somewhere out in space Belle was certain. “Oh for fuck’s sake! No one wants to watch that! Go get a fucking room!”

Rush jerked back from her, startled and confused, then his face darkened and he turned a homicidal look on Eli. He took a breath to speak, but Belle grabbed his face to make him look at her and keep him from filleting Eli.

His lips were swollen and wet and his eyes were wild.

To him she said firmly, “Not worth it.”

She still panted and her heart had yet to slow its frantic rhythm. Sweat dampened her hair, and his too. They looked a sight and Eli was right, this had gotten way out of hand.

“Go back to your card game, Eli.” Belle said just loudly enough to be heard clearly, refusing to look at the young man who had been her friend two days ago. To Rush she murmured, “We should retire.”

As soon as the doors closed behind them in her quarters they both spoke at once:

“I’m so sorry, Nick!”

“I’m so sorry, Belle!”

“I didn't mean-!”

“I never meant-!”

They both stopped, flushing with embarrassment, and breathing hard.

“I guess they know exactly how things got out of control a few days ago.” Belle whispered, unable to look at him out of mortification.

“An effective demonstration, I’d say.”

Silence lapsed between them and Belle stood there awkwardly, unable to think what to say or even look at him.

When he spoke at last, Rush’s voice was soft. “I wasn't prepared for that, for, well, for you to be quite the excellent kisser you are. I rather lost myself in the moment. I apologize.”

The furious blush on her face flared again and her insides quivered in discomfort. “I can't say I was prepared either. And you, you’re much, much,” she gasped in a breath, “just, I, you caught me by surprise in that department yourself. Is all. Is all.”

Just when Belle thought she would melt from the heat in her face or dissolve into a puddle of petrified goo, a soft chuckle made her look up.

Rush was laughing. A merriness twinkled in his eyes and his whole body was shaking with his mirth.

She couldn't have doused her smile if her life depended on it.

A second later uproarious peels of laughter filled her small room.

“I knew this was going to be trouble, but,” he let out another snort of laughter, “I didn't think it would be us causing it quite the way we have.”

“Me neither!” Belle coughed as she choked on the last of her own laughter. “Look, we could just chalk it up to a long time in deep space since, well, the last time for either of us.”

Rush placed a hand on his chest in mock indignation, “And I thought you just couldn't resist me.”

“Like you were any better!” Belle shot back before the truth could escape into an expression on her face.

“I suppose not. But at least next time, we’ll have some idea going into it.” His expression sobered.

“Next time?” Belle squeaked in alarm.

“Oh, I had thought you meant to carry this on for a while, did I misunderstand?” Rush shrank back into himself in discomfort.

“Right, next time. It's just that I’m still recovering from this time-”

“I’m that good, am I?” His smirk returned.

“Don’t be coy. I was there, remember? And I gave as good as I got.” She fixed him with her best exasperated glare while inside it felt like fireworks were going off in rapid succession, bursting one after another and Belle didn't know if she was coming or going.

“That you did.” The shy smile on his lips faded and he dropped his gaze to the floor. “I should say goodnight, but we need to discuss how to proceed with the project all this trouble is meant to cover up.”

“Right,” Belle demurred. 

“It can't wait any longer,” he insisted.

“No, it can't.”

A plan formed in her mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Definitely caused by a long dry spell in deep space, Belle. There can be no other explanation.


	9. Chapter 9

Keeping their nocturnal activities to three a week had been a tough sell, but Belle had convinced Rush that if they got too tired they would get sloppy and more could not be risked.

Getting their cover activities down had taken some fine tuning. And no shortage of red faces from both of them.

Belle almost thought it would have been less awkward to suggest they actually have loud sex several times a week in her quarters than what they ended up doing.

She hadn't been able to even face him the first time. It had been his idea to take ahold of her night stand and slam it into the wall she shared with Chloe and Matt rhythmically for the appropriate amount of time. Then he had added sound effects and Belle had nearly died of embarrassment and giggles. He giggled too, then he moaned again, louder.

Eventually, they had developed a sort of routine. A competition of sorts had arisen between them, who could make the most convincing moaning without busting into a fit of silent giggling.

By the time they got their act down, they sounded like a set of rutting animals and they played their parts sitting back to back on her bed. Seeing each other make those kinds of noises turned out to be unbearable.

It only took three nights of this for Scott to take Belle aside.

“Look, Belle, I know me and Chloe carry on sometimes, but you could have said something. The walls are thinner than I thought.”

Belle shrugged at him but said nothing as they walked.

“I mean, you could even use his quarters, he doesn't share a wall with anyone.”

Just the opening she had been waiting for, “Even Volker shouldn't have to do that kind of laundry. And he’s not very good at even the normal kind of laundry. I appreciate clean sheets and so does Nick.”

Color tinged Scott’s cheeks and he held his tongue between his teeth before replying, “At least you could maybe keep it down when you leave, to go get cleaned up, or whatever you do after? We don't want to hear about how it was, since we couldn’t avoid hearing how it was first hand. Please.”

“Oh.” Belle had to keep a lid on it, she had to. “I’ll talk to Nick about that.”

And so their cover was complete. Now that Scott knew what they were doing multiple times per week, they toned down their activities a little, perhaps a very little on certain occasions, but their hallway conversations were now only about getting cleaned up in their favorite showers near the stern. And they did reduce the volume a bit. Just a bit.

Just enough so that Scott and Chloe would know they were trying to be considerate thereby forestalling any further complaints.

Once the awkward embarrassment of their performances passed, and it did pass eventually, Belle felt she could relax and have a little fun with it. Rush certainly seemed to. And Belle looked forward to those nights because they would hold hands as they strolled through the ship on their way to their secret work and while they strolled, unhurriedly, and taking unpredictable routes, sometimes they’d encounter a roving kino.

She had surprised Rush the first time she caught site of Eli’s little spies by darting up to kiss his cheek suddenly and smiling at him.

Since then, a game had evolved, whomever spotted the kino would try to kiss the other before they noticed it too. Once, Rush had caught the kino right out of the air and planted a sloppy wet kiss right on its little camera.

Belle had laughed and laughed and laughed.

And the next day, Eli had glowered. The whole day.

Spot The Kino was Belle’s favorite game now because she got to kiss Rush in a somewhat more private setting and Eli knew they were watching for his spying, so unless he wanted an eyeful, he tried to steer clear of tailing them obviously. Which was useful.

Considering how Belle found his secret, Rush promptly installed his own surveillance system to alert them if a roving kino which was not theirs was in the vicinity of the bridge before they got too close so they could alter their course and be certain never to be caught by the search-mode kinos.

And then there was the work itself. Belle and Rush worked very well together. Without tripping over the others, a smooth collegiality developed and the work was stimulating and eventually enjoyable. With the comfort of having a partner in crime, Belle and Rush could enjoy being scientists.

They celebrated their little victories with casual touches and reassured each other in times of frustration with hugs or a hand on the shoulder. The thrill of scientific exploration and discovery made them both exquisitely happy.

If Belle didn't misinterpret him, as they got use to performing in public, Rush seemed to get more comfortable with it. She certainly was. And it seemed to be bleeding over into their private time alone on the bridge.

They stood closer together, leaned over one another and touched easily, naturally during work.

Belle knew without a doubt she loved him now. Weeks had passed since her disastrous discovery of his secret and thankfully most people had calmed down around them. She and Rush were consistently tender with one another, not the least bit fake on her end regardless, and TJ had invited them both to the card game.

Belle suggested to Rush that they attend and while he appeared at first like he would decline, a wicked smile appeared on his face. 

Eli had yet to apologize. He was in mid-deal when they came in, hand in hand.

The boy wonder’s eyes flicked to them then away and only a hint of irritation showed in a furrowed brow before he resumed holding court with the other card players as his vassals.

That was until TJ scooted her chair over and leapt up from the table to grab two more chairs with a smile on her face.

“You made it! How wonderful. We’ve all missed you. I personally have missed your terrible poker face and what a good sport you are about losing.” TJ beamed at Belle and to her surprise and pleasure, included Rush in her smile. “We’ll have to see what kind of face you have, Dr. Rush, since this is your virgin game with us sharks.”

Eli looked like he would vomit imminently.

Belle ignored him and hugged TJ. “Thanks for including us TJ, I’ve missed this. And now I can finally bring Nick to the game.”

Rush smiled politely, seated her and then dropped a kiss on the top of her head before getting comfortable himself. “So, what are we playing?”

“Imp’s Parade.” Eli’s voice had ice in it. “Princesses are wild, queens are sudden death between the player and whomever’s to the right. The prize is first choice in the next duty rotation and the loser takes a laundry day from Volker.”

“Which means as long as I don't lose, I always win this game.” Volker chimed in merrily. “While we’re on the subject of Dr. Rush’s duds, now that he’s here, let’s gang up on him and see that he does his own laundry for a change.”

“Not gonna happen, Volker. Until you prove that your time is better spent doing something else, you’ll be washing my socks. Not that you do a very good job of it.” Rush snarked back.

With that, the cards swept them away into the night.

When Belle would win a hand, Rush would lean over and give her a soft sipping kiss on the lips. And every time he did, his eyes would glow at her. Though she couldn't remember how it happened, at some point she had scooted her chair closer to his and commenced playing with his hair. She would scratch him under the chin when she thought he was cheating. Which he did most of the game.

But he never came out on top of the hand in spite of his cheating. And she never told on him. 

Rush joked with the other players, made fun of them mostly, and even smiled at someone other than Belle occasionally.

Toward the end of the game Scott said, “I was worried, at first, about you two, no denying it. But Rush has been almost bearable since he hasn't had to sneak around to get his needs met. And Belle, you seem happier too. So maybe there was some awkwardness, but it seems to be working out for the better. Wouldn’t you say everyone?”

TJ smiled, “It’s pretty cute how he looks at you, Belle. It’s a good thing you want him, because he’s yours.”

She could feel Rush looking at her now so she turned to him. His gaze was half lidded, relaxed, contented if she didn't know better.

“I am pretty cute, am I not, Dr. French?” Rush rumbled at her his eyebrows flicking up suggestively.

“Terminally cute, Dr. Rush. So cute it’s going to get you killed one of these days.” Belle leaned in to make her point but that was mistake.

Pouncing like he’d been lying in wait, Rush grasped her head behind the ears and proceeded to pepper her face with rapid little kisses tickling her with his beard.

Belle giggled helplessly under his assault, “Beard face! Beard face!”

When he had finished tickling her he settled down to claim her mouth with a leisurely kiss which left her breathless and her heart tripping over itself trying to find a rhythm.

“See,” he said devouring her with his eyes at close range, “I thought you liked my beard.”

Belle whispered and brought a had up to stroke it, “I do, but you use it to your advantage too often, Dr. Rush.”

“So mushy!” Lisa Park had been working on getting drunk most of the game and had by now been quite successful. “When did you know you were in love with Dr. French, Dr. Rush?”

And the bottom dropped out of Belle’s stomach. She tried everything she could not to let it show on her face while she leaned over to cuddle against Rush. Please let whatever he said be in line with what she’d made up previously! Scott was not drunk and he was paying rapt attention.

“I’m not quite sure when it happened, but I knew for sure about a month after we arrived here on Destiny. I tried to hide it of course, but she found me out. And I'm glad she did.” Rush snuggled in, comforting in spite of the chair arms between their bodies.

Thank the gods! She was going to have to give him credit for his acting when this was all over.

Her relief was short lived though because Lisa was fixated. “And you, Dr. French? How did you know you were in love with him? Did it happen that fast for you?”

Belle blinked rapidly and Rush, sensing her distress, pulled her hand up to his lips to kiss it, buying her time and reassuring her.

“It took me a while to figure everything out.” Belle began slowly. “He was a bit, standoffish.”

Everyone at the table except Eli burst out laughing.

“And then?” Lisa persisted.

Belle decided to keep Rush’s nocturnal issues off the table for now at least. “And then it came to my attention that he wasn’t quite so insufferable toward me as toward everyone else. It took Eli asking if Nick was bothering me for me to really notice that there was a difference at all.”

That part was a lie, but she needed to make something credible up quickly.

“To be honest, it took me a long time to get him to even be my friend, you know, someone who eats with me occasionally, someone I could talk to when I needed to. That kind of thing. But I guess, I knew it was more than that, on my end at least, that day he asked for my company instead of Eli’s down on that planet. It was awkward at first, hell it might still be awkward if not for, well, best not to ruin a nice story.”

“Awww,” Lisa cooed at them.

Rush had gone still beside her and she couldn't look at him without giving it away.

But Lisa, bless her drunk ass, was oblivious and not letting go of her very own live-action soap opera. “But why, Dr. Rush, if you knew for so long that you loved her, did you resist her trying to befriend you? Wouldn't you be happy about that?”

Rush didn't even hesitate, “Oh, I was! But I’m also me.” There were snorts of laughter from the other card players around the table. “I was afraid that if I revealed my true feelings, she’d be repulsed and I’d lose what little friendliness I had way out here. There were moments when I almost told her, hang the consequences, like when I gave her my book.”

Belle pulled her head up to look at him and stroked his beard again, for show, but also for real because Belle could swear he was telling the truth. He sounded so genuine, so raw and completely besotted. Against her better judgment she whispered, “Oh Nick, you could have said something then and I’d probably have done something like this.”

More nervous than she’d been all evening, Belle leaned forward slowly and brushed her lips against his, as if it were the first time. His breath hitched and puffed against her cheek before strong arms came around her and he kissed her back. Deeply, in front of everyone.

Gods how she wished this was real. If only. She sighed into the kiss and then heard the collective groaning of their compatriots. She broke off the kiss feeling close to tears anyway.

Embarrassed she looked away from the table.

“Enough true revelations of the heart for tonight, don't you think Dr. Park?” Rush stood and scooped up her hand to take her with him. “Goodnight everyone. Don't be late tomorrow morning.”

Scoffs issued from annoyed throats behind them as Belle let Rush lead her away.

Back in her room Belle couldn't hide her distress anymore. He came to her side immediately, “Belle, what is it?”

Of course she couldn't tell him though. So she lied to him too, “I’m just so sick of lying to everyone, to our friends. Hell, it feels like I’m lying to you every time I say something for publicity and that feels so bad, Nick, it feels awful. I don't like lying to you even when you know it's a lie. We just told them a lovely story and it was a bill of goods. I hate this.”

So maybe that was less lying and more not telling the whole truth.

Rush nodded slowly. “I know what you mean. But they’re your friends. I don't have friends. In the spirit of truthfulness.”

His statement caught her like a punch to the gut. Tears started in her eyes and she glared at him. “Did you really just say that to my face, Nick? How the fuck am I not your friend!?”

“You know what I mean, Belle-”

“No! No I don't! I think I need you to tell me exactly what you mean by that!” Belle shouted at him unrestrained.

Rush took a startled step back. “Ok, ok, Belle, I told you I will always be here for you, be your friend and I mean it, but I have no illusions that you would ever return that! You are doing this for the greater good, not out of some,” he shook his head and pushed an anguished hand through his hair, “not out of any love for my sorry excuse for a person! I owe you for multiple unforgivable trespasses and I harbor no fantasies that you are doing this for any reason but for the very lives of your friends. Of course you hate lying to them and I am a worse person for making you do it every day that goes by. I am a sea anchor you can't shake, a lode stone around your neck, a barnacle-”

“Nick!” Belle sobbed, “Stop it! Just stop.” He did and she couldn't look at him through the tears burning her eyes. But she could not tell him the truth and she sure as hell couldn’t ask him what she most wanted to know. Did he love her? For real? How much of what he had said just moments before was true? So she did what little she could do. “Don’t presume to tell me what my feelings are or should be. It makes me deeply sick and very sad to think that these past weeks working with you and spending time with you haven't made the slightest impression on your guilt and how it blinds you to everything else. Have you not enjoyed working with me?”

“Of course I have, I-”

“Have you not noticed at all, that I might enjoy it also? I thought we covered this. Nick I am your friend as you are mine. I make my own decisions and your black hole of a guilt complex does not get to influence the choices I make. I make. Not you, me. When you say that I can't possibly be your friend because you consider yourself to be unworthy it is deeply insulting and very hurtful. I don't appreciate having my judgment questioned and having my choice in friends insulted constantly. If I consider you a good man? A man worthy of my friendship whose friendship I want in return? I don't expect to be insulted for whom I choose to befriend.”

“Belle, I-” His eyes were shiny and it looked like he was trying to figure out how to say something important. He floundered with his mouth opening and closing for a long minute. At last he closed his eyes and dropped his head murmuring, “I’m so sorry Belle, but I just don't understand.”

A tear escaped him and that brought Belle up short. She stared at the man across from her. Was he shaking? Trembling?

Feeling lost and not knowing what he was feeling or what was happening much at all, Belle stepped forward and pulled him into her arms in a hug. He was shaking.

“I’m not a good man, Belle, haven't been for a long time. I don't know what you could possibly see in me to earn such kindness, or pity, or as you say, friendship. I don't merit it. Belle, I don't.” None the less his arms came around her and he rocked them both, clutching her. “I’m grateful, but I don't understand it.”

Belle brought a hand up to stroke his hair. She loved his ever-growing hair, silky and perfect for her fingers to run through. She relished the weight of his head against hers, how he had surrendered his body to her arms for her to hold. So she did hold him, letting go of her anger about his guilt issues. 

She didn't know how long they stood like that, but when Belle found her voice again, she whispered, “You’re not perfect, Nick, nobody is. But I see good in you. I see you working for good every day, pushing yourself past the limits of your own body trying to do good. You are trying so hard to make things right by me. Do you think I can't see that? Hmm?” But she didn't wait for a verbal answer, “It’s enough for me, Nick. It’s enough for me.”

What she wanted to say was “I love you, I need you, I want you,” but of course she couldn't. Not ever, in all likelihood.

“Belle, I, I, I just. I can’t. I need to.” He stopped talking, breathing heavily but his arms remained locked around her.

She rubbed his back and eventually her hands splayed out underneath his vest to hold him even closer. He was clearly hurting and Belle wasn't certain she understood what was happening for him, but she’d hold him as long as he held her.

His breathing even out eventually and after a while, when he did speak, his voice was more steady, “Thank you, Belle. That’s what I should have said. Just, thank you.”

She didn't say anything, just squeezed him in a hug which he returned.

Then he left without a word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO CLOSE!!!! These two dorks are in way over their collective heads.
> 
> PS: you can find me on tumblr @theoneandonlylittlebird and I hope you do.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enter Don Rush.

Things had been tense between them, in private at least since then. In public, Rush may as well have been Don Juan himself. Belle preferred to be with him in public now because he had all but shut down when they were alone together, working feverishly, and he no longer touched her, or smiled, or gave her those luminous, tender eyes of his. If anything, he looked like he had suffered a grievous loss. He looked and acted heartbroken. She didn't know why, but something had changed. He had pulled away from her and his only reply to her inquiries had been the truly unsatisfying. “I’m fine, Belle, everything is fine. Don't worry.”

It wasn't fine.

She made fewer suggestions that they go out in public in the evenings because she was afraid that while he hadn't revoked his consent, in his heart he could bear this situation no longer and found being with her onerous regardless of his acting abilities. Which by now she knew were Oscar worthy.

He had fooled her into thinking he actually, covertly, loved her and that the was a chance for them when this was all over. She certainly loved him nonetheless, but his abrupt change in attitude when they were alone led her to think that she had been taken in by her own scheme.

But that changed nothing for her. Which was terribly painful and frustrating. Being good at doing exactly what she had forced him into doing was not his fault. And if it was hurting him as much as it seemed to be, it needed to end.

So Belle finally stopped suggesting they make public appearances all together.

He noticed.

“Belle,” he said softly on their way back to their quarters after work one day, “We haven't taken dinner on the observation deck in a while. Is that something you’d like?”

Out in the hallway as they were, his voice resonated deeply, warmly and he held her hand in his.

“Do you want to?” Belle could only ask him and give him the opportunity to decline, that was as much as she could do for him at this point.

He stopped walking and turned to face her. He kept hold of her hand and stroked it with his thumb softly. Looking deeply into her eyes with what she now termed his “Rush-In-Love” look it was so very hard not to be taken in by it. She saw concern there, and though she knew it for what it was now, she saw he was deciding to show her concern for more than just their covert mission.

“Do you not?” He whispered.

“I wouldn't mind, if you’re up for it.” She met his gaze sure she was unable to hide her uncertainty from him.

She saw his mask falter and doubt creep over his features. He said, “If you’re not feeling up to it, I’ll understand.”

She saw sadness, perhaps, cross over his mien. Evidence of his heartbreak? Did he really want to do this? “Nick, I feel fine. If you desire my company tonight, I would not begrudge you by any means.”

“That’s not the same as an enthusiastic, yes, Nick, I would love to have dinner with you.” He said softly, “Is this something we should talk about more privately?”

“Only if you need to, I’ve just indicated my willingness to have dinner with you.”

“Willingness isn't desire, privately it is.” He sounded devastated. He dropped her hand and headed for their rooms.

He went to his room. Not hers and she found herself having to follow him in without an invite.

He locked the door behind them, then leaned against the frame rather than turning to face her.

“Nick?” Belle’s voice sounded small even to her own ears.

“When we discussed this plan, we agreed that consent was essential. A clear cut yes or no. Boundaries as obvious as a fucking pulsar in our path. What the hell was that, Belle?” He turned around eyes blazing at her.

She had seldom seen him angry at her and he was a force to be reckoned with when he wanted to be. In an effort to calm him down, she held up a hand and whispered, “It was my attempt to give you an out of you wanted it.”

“If I wanted it?” Now he just sounded confused, but he wasn't yelling anymore. “We ate together regularly, Belle, at your lead. Then that stopped and I waited, and nothing. If there’s been a change in plan, don't you think I should know about it?”

Angry, hurt Rush wasn't much fun either.

“I was worried you had forgotten how to say no, that you could say no.” That part, at least, was honest. “I couldn't go to dinner with you only to feel like I was assaulting you.”

Among her biggest fears with their arrangement.

“Is that how you feel about our,” he hesitated a beat, “publicity? That you’re assaulting me?”

“It has begun to feel that way. Maybe it’s just taken me this long to realize what I have really been doing to you, consent or not. Maybe,” Belle felt something break inside, and tears appeared out of nowhere, “I only realize now that pretty speech about consent or not, there was no way this could ever have been other than coercion. You had no choice-”

Belle broke off into ugly, wracking sobs unable to say another word.

Strong hands grabbed her by the shoulders and pulled her against his chest. “You never wanted to coerce me, not ever. I knew I could say no, I have trusted you from the first that if I said no, you wouldn't hold it against me, or reveal our project prematurely. And because of that, I have never, not for a moment, felt coerced into being with you in public. Belle you have more than proven I can trust you. You could have long ago decided enough was enough and told Young everything to get out of an awkward situation if you wanted to. But you didn't. I think you believe in the work and I can trust you now in ways I hadn't realized before you caught me. In fact, I’m glad you did catch me because we have done more together than I ever could have done alone. Everything we’ve done, out there, I have been willing to do.” He was silent for a beat catching his breath then he said, “It’s been nice to be social with you, with the others. I never thought I’d hear myself say that, but there it is. And when you stopped asking me to dinner, I missed it.”

“You missed it?”

A long beat went by before he whispered, “Yes, very much. You’re good company.”

“You enjoy the theater then?”

Rush’s chuckle reverberated in his chest against her ear. “More than I should, probably. Can you forgive me that?”

Belle felt a little braver then, “I’ve enjoyed the theater too.”

“It is kind of nice, isn't it?”

Belle opened her eyes to a view of his worn green shirt and the lining of his vest. “I think so. You’re a wonderful actor, Nick, and I guess this must be how movie stars feel.”

“And why they get confused.” 

She barely heard his whisper, but she nodded.

“If it’s too much, I think we’ve pretty much convinced everyone and we don't need to get carried away from now on.” Belle hoped he didn't hear how disappointed she was even to suggest it.

She had almost given up waiting for his reply when he whispered, “It’s not too much, not for me. You?”

“No, I’ve always loved a good show.” She hoped she hadn't answered him too quickly.

His chuckle was warm and friendly, “We’ve definitely been in space too long, if this is the best we can do for ourselves. A bit of theater. But hey, I heard there’s a special showing on the observation deck this evening, it's a dinner show. Would you want to join me?”

“Very much so, Nick, I’d love to.” And Belle tilted her head up to kiss him. He kissed her back, then he took her hand, unlocked the door and they left as she swiped at her tears hoping her face wouldn't be all blotchy by the time they ran into someone.

They were in the chow line when Belle realized what she had done and it was everything she could do not to freeze and panic on the spot.

She had kissed him. In private. With no one to see. Because she wanted to and it had felt right. It had been their first honest kiss, well her first honest kiss anyway. Perhaps he had just stepped into character to humor her, but Belle had to face the fact that she had very much slipped up. And faced with the Rush she had been missing at work, she had also forgotten why she had been concerned in the first place. His distant behavior on the bridge with her.

His hand on her back urged her forward as she had allowed a gap to form ahead of her in the line.

Maybe it was a work thing, maybe something had him stressed, or he was just intent on a puzzle. Or maybe she imagined it, because this Rush, the one that held her in his quarters and kissed her, he felt more real and solid right now than he had in at least a week.

Belle was so confused and really very tired of hiding. Their next night at work, she would ask him about a timeline for when he thought it would be safe to introduce the rest of the crew to the bridge. It had to be done. She couldn't hold the weight of that lie much longer.

And the weight of their little theater trips? Which they both confessed to enjoying?

She leaned back against him and his arm came around her waist.

“What is it, Belle?” His hand splayed out on her stomach and began to rub gently.

She sighed, “I’m just tired, Nick.”

He pressed his hand flat into her belly to hold her against him firmly and whispered in her ear, “We can always have dinner in, if you want.”

“Oh, no, I’m just tired is all. We have an evening planned and I’m looking forward to it. I’m just tired.” Belle did her best to reassure him, not wanting to go down this road again so soon.

“I’m tired too Belle.” He rubbed her belly again, “We’ll both feel better with some food in us, even if it never seems like enough.”

Her belly gurgled and they both chuckled. “You’re right.”

Belle caught Wray staring at her across the mess hall. Weird. Belle wondered what she could possibly be so shocked about. They hadn't done anything to warrant such a look.

Rush kissed her head and let her go as the line moved ahead.

They walked slowly, hand and hand from the mess hall to the observation deck. Neither said anything but the silence was comfortable and when they arrived, they took their usual seats away from everyone else. Who consisted of Greer, Park and Eli. Not a big crowd for the show tonight, for which Belle felt grateful.

With their empty trays negligently on the floor in front of them, Belle curled into Rush’s open arms to watch the stars go by. Neither of them said anything.

After a while, Belle felt his eyes on her and when she looked up she was definitely looking into the eyes of Don Rush and heat swept through her body without any permission from her to do so. But she stared back and he watched her, lips parted ever so slightly.

Her heart pounded in her chest; it would be a wonder if he couldn't hear it too. Belle couldn't look away from his Rush-In-Love dark gaze and she didn’t want to. She felt so drawn to him.

The second she raised her chin toward him, his lips claimed hers in a searing kiss. Belle moaned loudly and kissed him back for all she was worth. When he didn't stop with just kissing her mouth and began kissing along her jawline and down her neck, Belle sighed and gripped his hair unable and unwilling to move. He kissed along her clavicle and then drew his tongue up from the hollow of her throat back into her mouth. Greedily. Hungrily. So hot.

She sighed into his mouth and then pushed him back against their seat cushions to nibble his bearded chin with her teeth. His grunting moan and helpless arching cost Belle what was left of her judgement and she straddled his lap, hovering above him on her knees while she nipped and kissed her way up to his ear to suck it softly. She could hear his ragged breathing and his hands roamed up and down over her back, kneading at her muscles in time with her mouth on his flesh.

But he could take it no more, apparently because he used a hand in her hair to pull her mouth back to his whereby he demanded entrance with his tongue and sucked hers with a very familiar rhythm. His other arm had, at some point pulled her flush with his body and the heat between her legs had pressed against his lower belly.

“Oh my gods! That is it! I’ve had enough of this! What are you going to do? Mount each other right here in front of everyone? You have crossed the line and I’ve had it! Everyone else manages to keep that in their rooms except the two of you and I’m sick of it!” Eli was shouting.

Eli was shouting.

Eli, oh shit, Eli was shouting and Belle had just pressed her heat to Rush’s at the insistence of his hand on her bottom and oh holy fuck!

Belle pulled her mouth away from Rush’s and had to focus to see Eli’s beat red and angry face. Park and Greer were studiously looking away.

“If you’re sick of it, you shouldn’t have complained when we were doing it in private, Eli!” Rush’s growl was harsh and loud so close to her ear. But thank the gods he had the wherewithal to know what to say. Belle’s blood was buzzing and all she could think about doing was going back to kissing Rush as hard and as much as she could.

“Fuck you, Rush! You are a piece of shit, no matter how you play nice these days. I know what an asshole you are.” Eli knocked over a chair and left it like that as he stormed from the room.

“Fuck you too, Eli, and your big fucking mouth!” Rush roared after him and Belle cringed away from the noise. But Rush rocked his hips and Belle gasped as she came back to herself at the sensation.

They had violated their only rule for this.

“Oh, gods Nick!” Belle whispered urgently. “I didn't mean to!”

Two hands held her in place and his eyes focused back on her. “What? What is it Belle?”

He whispered too because Greer and Park were still in the room, though they were making to beat a hasty exit.

Belle watched them go, panting for breath. As soon as they were gone, she said breathlessly, “We had one rule! And I violated it!”

At his furrowed brow she looked pointedly down at where she rested against his body.

Then his eyes went wide and he let go of her hips.

Belle barrel rolled off him to sprawl undignified in the seat beside him and shrink into the corner of it. Her breath came in uneven pants.

She stared at his lap, which she shouldn't have, but he was staring there too, red faced.

“What was I thinking?” Belle whispered in alarm.

Rush was silent and brought his eyes to meet hers after he shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “Don't be thinking of somehow taking all the blame for this. I’m as culpable as you.”

“Not possible! I created this situation in the first place! I could have chosen any lie in the book, even if Eli didn't believe me, but I put us here and I violated you.” Tears started in the backs of her eyes.

“Stop it!” He whispered sternly, but not unkindly. “I pulled you on top of me. I agreed to all of this. What we need to do, well in about five minutes, is go somewhere private and have this out so we both understand what is happening here. Because this is not just dinner theater.”

“You’re right, we need to hash this out. But in any case, I’m so sorry about this.” Belle whispered back.

“Well, I don't know whether to be grateful to Eli or hunt him for his pelt.”

Belle couldn't respond as her emotions were strapped into a tilt-a-whirl and she was sick with them even as her ardor cooled quickly.

Rush eventually extended a tentative hand toward her as he stood. She accepted it wondering if it would be the last time she got to hold his hand. Belle liked holding Rush’s hand, very much.

At his door, Rush unlocked it and tugged her in after him. She went willingly.

He locked it again behind them.

“I humbly apologize for my behavior this evening, Belle. I feel like I took advantage of the situation and you.” Contrition was an emotion she was getting tired of seeing on his face and feeling herself.

“I feel the same. I am so sorry. I don't even know how I lost control, and there aren't any excuses for this kind of thing. There never are. And if this were the first time and we hadn't just had a conversation about the importance of consent and what we both agreed to, maybe the heat of the moment could be an excuse, but it just isn't.” Belle closed her eyes not wanting to look at him.

She did hear him sigh though. “Looking at the situation rationally, neither of us has any more excuse than the other and neither of us is more culpable than the other. We both participated in breaking the rules of an agreement because, on some level at least, we both wanted to be doing what we were doing. Those are the facts. We’ve both apologized and I think we both agree that neither wanted to hurt or violate the other. Is that true?”

She opened her eyes to look into his fatigued face. “Yes, that’s true.”

He rubbed at his eyebrows. “There is a simple, biological explanation for this, you know. We are two adults whose sexual needs are not being met regularly. We have drives within us that stimulate us toward these kinds of behaviors. We should be in control of those urges and under normal circumstances we would be. But our dinner theater arrangements put us in a precarious position between restraint and getting those needs met when it seems that our partner is willing because every signal we are accustomed to receiving is telling us they are. We have perfectly set ourselves up to get, as we clearly did, carried away.”

“Were you feeling unwilling to be doing what we were doing in the moment?” Belle had to know, straight out if she’d down something he had been unable to say no to.

He blinked rapidly at her, pressed his lips in a firm line and then whispered, “No, I felt very willing indeed. You?”

“Quite willing, yes.”

“That would explain how we both gave each other indications that we were willing to cross the line we both put in place. We both should have controlled ourselves, but neither of us wanted to and when we didn't get resistance from the other, the hormonal hijacking was complete.” He looked down and shook his head, locks swaying. “I am making excuses Belle, logical, rational excuses, but you know and I know that we both just crossed the line.”

“Yes we did.”

Silence stretched between them and Belle didn't look at him. Finally she murmured, “It might be small consolation, but neither of us continued past a clear ‘no’ from the other. I know we made an agreement, and it should have been honored, but we both gave each other every indication of being willing to break that agreement, which means that a new one was mutually reached, if not stated verbally.”

“Your Honor, counsel makes an excellent point, neither party said no and both continued to engage in the behavior until interrupted. Therefore they did not violate each other.” Rush shook his head, “We may be able to rationalize this into something less awful that it sounds on the surface, but do you feel good about this? Because I don't. I feel like I wronged you.”

“And I feel like I wronged you, too.” Belle knew he was right about that. But she needed to know something more. “But I don't feel that you wronged me. Do you feel I wronged you?”

“No! Of course not! Not even close. Gods Belle, I would have continued if not for Eli.” Rush shoved a hand through his hair.

“Me too! So do we skin him or thank him?”

“Both?”

“Both is good. Young won't like it, but he’ll adjust.” Belle cracked the tiniest smile, which Rush returned. She continued. “I think there’s a bigger problem than two horny adults trying to navigate a fake relationship.”

“Only one problem? Shocking.” Rush’s jesting words were belied by his expression settling into one of seriousness. “You’re right as usual.”

“Nick,” Belle whispered not wanting to bring this up but needing to confess. “I kissed you.”

“Many times as I recall, but that was as we agreed, do you regret the agreement?” He clenched and unclenched the fabric of his jeans.

“No, Nick, I kissed you here, just before dinner. Do you recall?”

“Yes, I don't see where you’re going with this, Belle.” He was frowning now.

“And you kissed me back.” He put his hands out, palms toward the ceiling, and shrugged, so she continued, so softly. “There was no one else here, Nick. No audience, no theater.”

His hands dropped abruptly and he stared at her. “I,” he hesitated, “I didn't even think about it. I didn't even notice until you just pointed it out. I doubt that would ever have registered.” His lip trembled, “I’ve just gotten so used to this, to kissing you.”

She whispered, “Me too.”

Silence fell between them. And it stretched.

“Nick?”

“Yes?”

“I don't feel like I know what’s going on anymore.”

“Me neither. I did say this could go horribly, horribly wrong, did I not?”

Belle nodded, “This was clear, cut and dry, and now I’m making mistakes. I’m afraid I’ll keep making them.”

His Adam’s apple bobbed when he swallowed, “For my part as well.”

“We need to end this.”

“What?!” His eyes jerked to hers in alarm.

“No, Nick, I mean that we need to get our project to a point where we can unveil it in a controlled and reasonable manner. We need an exit strategy. If it goes well, we won't have to do this,” she gestured between them, “too much longer before I decide you’re an ass after all and we have a public and messy breakup followed by the establishment of some kind of reasonable working relationship. That is the best outcome I can think of. Right?”

Rush fidgeted like he was trying not to show her how uncomfortable he was. “You’re right of course, Belle.”

He looked at the ground though, not at her. “Nick?”

“You’re right, we need to finish the work. Shall we go and have fake sex and then get to it?” His voice was clinical, detached.

“Nick, I don't think I can handle fake sex with you tonight. I’m too tired and it's times like these when serious mistakes can happen.” Belle demurred.

“You could always have real sex with me and then skip the work all together,” Rush muttered as he turned his back to her and unlocked the door.

“If you’re not serious with that offer, don't make it. I’ve already proven that I have terrible judgment.” Belle’s heart thundered suddenly in her chest at his words and how she managed her cheeky reply she had no idea.

“And who said I wasn't serious? I’ve already demonstrated my own abysmal judgement.” Rush looked back at her with a dissatisfied and guilty scowl on his face.

Belle walked past him and into the hallway, “Good thing for both of us I have just enough sense left to get myself to bed. Alone. Goodnight, Nick.”

Just then Scott and Chloe rounded the corner and Rush grabbed her hand to turn her back to face him.

He whispered, eyes full of Rush-In-Love, “Goodnight, Belle, I love you.”

And he kissed her mouth softly. Belle kissed him back, helpless to deny herself this, and then she whispered back, “I love you too, Nick. Goodnight.”

Pulse hammering, Belle struggled for breath as she took the ten steps down the corridor to her own room before falling face first and shaking onto her bed. She was in so much trouble.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit out of hand, wouldn't you say? Come on, Belle, take the HINT.


	11. Chapter 11

She got to the mess hall first the next morning.

A melancholy had settled into her bones overnight which she could not quite consciously explain, but she did know there was something she had to do. Rush hadn't been the only victim of her little scheme, and even if she couldn't apologize for all of it, for the artificial schism her lie had created, she needed to apologize for last night at least.

Eli was up early too and sitting by himself playing with his food more than eating it.

She joined him.

“What do you need, Dr. French?” While polite on the surface, this was a rude comment in both tone and excessive formality.

Belle sighed.

“Relax, Eli. I’m here to apologize.”

“I’m sorry, what? I couldn't hear you over my disbelief, because I haven't seen my friend Belle in months and you almost sounded like her.” His blunt face and sarcastic tone didn't give an inch.

She’d earned this, regardless of his own contributions to the situation. “Last night things got quite out of hand and you’re right, Dr. Rush and I should keep certain activities behind closed doors.”

“And Rush? Is he going to apologize too? Because he’s as guilty as you.”

“Eli I know you’re shocked by being on the receiving end of an apology, but there’s no such thing as miracles.” Belle let a ghost of a smile flit over her face. Eli’s eyes darted up and he quirked his mouth before staring back down into his food. “He doesn't owe you one anyway since the fault is entirely mine. With the threat of his getting lynched, I was desperate to find a way to prove he isn't the monster he was made out to be.” Eli ground his teeth audibly which Belle ignored. “I suggested that we show everyone what we are really like together so folks would get used to the idea and over time, seeing as there would be no more bruises on either of us, they’d believe we genuinely made a mistake. That he’s not some kind of abuser. So I'm at fault for us being in public for such displays in the first place and I’m typically to blame whenever something goes too far.”

“That’s not a very good apology. A real apology isn't a covert attack.” Not only was Eli not mollified, he wasn't going to take the opportunity to render his own very over-due apology.

Tension gripped Belle in a flash of heat and she bared her teeth at him. “It's the best you’re going to get until you get your act together and figure out what you’ve done. You say you haven't seen your friend Belle in a while, well, imagine how she feels having her friend Eli attack the person she loves, put his life in danger and then refuse to acknowledge that. Even worse, he never trusted her in the first place.”

Belle stared at the shaggy top of Eli’s bowed head for a moment, then shook hers trying to clear the fog of fury from her brain. Belle grabbed her breakfast and went to another table. She hoped Rush would be along soon.

But it wasn't Rush who joined her a moment later. It was Wray.

“Good morning, Belle.” Wray reminded Belle of a falcon whose amazing sight saw tiny prey from great distances.

“Camille, good morning. How are you?”

“I’m fine, slop tastes as good as ever. But what about you? How are you feeling?” Wray’s searching gaze was always uncomfortable.

“Fine?” Belle gave her the questioning look she deserved. “You sound like I was sick or something. That’d be news to me. Is there something going around?”

“I sure hope not!” Wray’s false smile was slimy. “I just thought maybe you and Dr. Rush might make an announcement soon.”

Belle froze in terror, did she know? She couldn’t, they’d been very careful. “Not that I know about. And I would expect Nick to tell me if he had something going on that involved me.”

“Oh, my mistake, excuse me.” Wray made to stand up and leave but Belle seized her arm.

“No, you don't get to come over here and make cryptic remarks and then not tell me what it is about before you start spreading unfounded rumors. I don't know what you think you know, but I’ve known you long enough to know how you operate. So tell me.” If Belle’s tone was steely, bordering on impolite, it was merited.

Wray actually flushed in embarrassment, but she sat back down. “I wouldn't say anything, I only meant to offer support when you and Rush are ready. You two have been through quite a lot recently.”

Steely became sharp and demanding, “Tell me what you think we need support about, precisely, and stop slithering away.”

Wray gave her an innocent and suffering look, but she leaned across the table and whispered, “You’re pregnant, aren't you?”

Shock only lasted a millisecond then Belle burst out in a guffaw of laughter. Once she’d contained herself again she retorted, “You busybody paparazzi! If you don't have enough to do, I’m certain Volker’s sick of doing Nick’s laundry. He doesn't do a very good job anyway. Let me tell you this: if that blessed event were ever to occur, it would be none of your gods damned business. Now butt the fuck out of ours and go find something else to do before I tell everyone you’re bored.”

Wray looked totally shocked at Belle’s outburst, then her expression shifted to righteous offense, “My inquiry was kindly meant.”

“What inquiry?” Rush’s timing was perfect, thank the gods.

“Oh, Camille thought it was ok to start rumors about my being pregnant.” Belle said this loudly and heads started turning.

“Charming.” Rush stroked the back of her head, then he announced to the room at large, “Rumor has it that my manners are lacking and my social skills are worse. I deny neither charge. But I did learn one thing from my father: it is extremely ungentlemanly to impregnate a woman without her direct request. So if Belle should ask me, I’d oblige her, but until then, I don't want to hear another fucking word about this nonsense. For fuck sake, Camille!”

Wray gave Rush a withering drop-dead look, scoffed and left.

He sat down beside her and then captured her lips tenderly between his own. “Good morning, sweetheart. It’s going well already, I can tell.”

Belle allowed her eyes to flutter closed and enjoy his kiss. When she reopened her eyes, Don-Rush was staring back at her and she sighed. “It’s better now. And I have to say, Nick, with a statement like that you’d better not slip up, because how embarrassing would that be?”

“I’ve managed this long without an accident. Unless that’s your way of making a request?” He was so still, looking at her and a discomfort in her chest alerted Belle that she had stopped breathing herself. His eyes were so dark, so warm.

Finally, Belle managed to shake her head, “Seems a bit premature for that kind of thinking.”

Rush snuffled in her hair, and peppered her hairline with little kisses, “I dunno, Belle, this mission will likely become an intergenerational one.”

“Sounds like you’re the one making the request and if you keep looking at me like that, you’ll have impregnated me before breakfast is over.” Belle whispered in self-defense, very pathetic self-defense.

“And if I was?” Color crept onto his face, his chin dropped and his eyes slipped closed, waiting.

“Then premature would be the most mild thing I had to say to you, Nicholas Rush, wanna-be baby-daddy.” Belle murmured hoping the buzz of other diners in the room would cover their conversation.

“But would you think about it?” Why did he sound so earnest? He couldn't be serious.

Belle said as deadpan as she could manage, “I doubt I’ll think of anything else for the rest of the day. Now are you gonna eat or just sit here and try to seduce me?”

“Good, good. Excellent.” He murmured back, kissed her head again and went to get his own meal.

Belle blinked rapidly at the meager excuse for breakfast wishing her heart would slow down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is one of those things I didn't see coming. But it happened and it stuck. That's that then.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shortie but a goodie, I think.

She should have known better. Their attempt to stop rumors had only ended up accomplishing Wray’s goals masterfully. Damn her anyway.

They could hear the conversation from the interface room a corridor away.

“Nicholas Rush wants a baby?! You misheard, Park.” Mr. Brody at least had the sense to be incredulous.

“He said he’d oblige Belle if she asked him to impregnate her! Loudly and in front of the whole mess! His words! He wants a baby!” Park sounded happy, like her favorite characters in a soap were expecting.

Belle tugged Rush’s hand to stop him walking. He looked stricken and embarrassed as if only just now realizing what he’d actually said to everyone.

He looked down at their joined hands, then whispered, “I’m sorry Belle, I played right into her hands.”

“Could have happened to anyone, she’s like that.” Belle offered him a hug which he accepted. She rocked him gently. “So you want a baby. How are we going to manage that?”

He pulled back to look at her in surprise, “The usual way will likely work, but not right away! That wasn't what I meant.”

“No, Nick, how are we going to manage their wagging tongues? If you really want a baby some day, there’re an awful lot of things that need to be in place first which are currently lacking.” Belle’s heart pounded. He really did want a baby, with her. Could he possibly love her for real? Or was he just looking at the genetic pool around him and extrapolating? Either was possible and the latter more likely. But gods, if there was a chance he loved her…

“That’s not a no then?” He was scarlet.

Holy shit! Had she heard him right? They were alone in the corridor for the moment. Belle shook her head and looked up to stare at him in total shock. Her mouth must have been hanging open because drool started to escape forcing her to close it hastily or soil the front of her shirt.

“Jesus H Christ on a fucked up spit, Nick! What are you on about?”

He looked like she’d slapped him. He murmured softly, “Too far?”

“Much too far!” Belle hissed back at him.

“Sorry.” He dropped her hand and walked toward the interface room where the flabbergasted conversation was going on apace.

Belle hastened to follow him.

She appeared in the doorway beside him to see a perfectly calm faced Dr. Rush addressing everyone.

“You’ve all been very short sighted if you haven't considered the practicalities of our situation. The likelihood of this becoming an intergenerational mission is extremely high and with as much procreative activity as I know is occurring on this ship, it is prudent to plan for it and consider the long term effects of our choices on the gene pool here on Destiny. We should be making the best choices we can given the circumstances we face. There is no point in prudish squeamishness over such a basic fact of life.” He was pointing at Dr. Volker who had a queasy expression and matching pallor on his face. With that, he strode over to his station and began working as if nothing out of the ordinary had occurred.

Park smiled at Belle, “So have you started trying?”

“Nicholas Rush!” Belle shouted, pointing a finger at Park, “Fix this!”

“You do have the most desirable genetic material available on the Destiny, making us an exceptionally good match. But it’s as I said, unless and until Belle makes such a request, I will make no such efforts, Dr. Park. As you enjoy gossiping so much, do try and keep up.”

“How romantic, Don Rush! Desirable genetic material! Wow, I feel almost special. You really do love me.” Sarcasm and spittle flew from her mouth and Belle stocked over to her console.

“Don Rush?” Several voices echoed that around the room before Rush could respond.

“Don Rush indeed! I am a very fortunate man to have fallen in love with the best possible match I could hope for. That doesn't always happen.” Belle couldn't look away from his eyes. Bright, wide, focused, and full of procreative potential. Gods help her she didn't think this was an act. A jet of heat shot for her nether regions and started a fire there. It was going to be an uncomfortable day. And they planned to work tonight.

Big. Fuckin’. Trouble.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe this happened. I didn't plan this, I didn't intend this. They did it! I got caught in the middle and have been forced to make the most of Nicholas Rush's big mouth. Dear lords, these two!!!


	13. Chapter 13

“What the fuck were you thinking, Nick?” Belle growled as soon as the door to the bridge locked behind them that night.

“What?” Rush looked at her and she could see his fatigue, his stress, all the things that fell away when he was being Don Rush.

“You asked me if you’d gone too far with this baby-making nonsense this morning and then ten steps down the hallway you blow the whole thing up even bigger! You were supposed to piss on the fire, not throw on a can of fucking rocket fuel!”

Giving her a perplexed look, he said, “That wasn't something you’d thought of before? It seemed a logical and expedient way to divert attention away from certain other activities we engage in and it’s not like it isn't a practical consideration.”

His face was absent a flicker of the heat she’d seen earlier, this was his cool, rational, and detached persona. And yes, she could see now the heartbroken one as well. In fact, that looked even worse tonight than it had previously.

The heartbreak she only saw when he looked away from her and at his console. Knowing what an actor he was, she thought whatever was wrong must be bone deep for him not to be able to hide it even long enough to turn his back on her. What was hurting him that badly?

Belle sighed, but kept her voice mild, “It is not a practical consideration between us because we are not in an actual relationship and now everyone is going to be staring at my belly for the foreseeable future. Did you think of that?”

“Can't be any more awkward than having to watch them check you for bruises every day, even if that is my fault.”

Belle’s gaze flew up only to see the back of his head, “They do that?”

“Oh yes,” he didn't turn around, “They give me the stink eye and then look at any exposed skin they can see on you. I can't believe you didn't notice.”

Nick stabbed a key aggressively, then came to stand in front of her.

Belle frowned, even more worried. “What is it, Nick? Please tell me.”

“You were very right about needing to end this. This situation is very uncomfortable for me and while I won't deny I have enjoyed parts of it, I feel like I am constantly dancing around what hypothetical you will or will not tolerate, which I can't ever guess correctly because that you doesn't even exist.” He looked overwhelmed by fatigue, “I know we’ve both done the best we can, but I thought you’d support my ingenuity today the way I supported your plan for concealing our work here in the first place. I feel like I can't get anything right and it’s distracting me from what’s important. The work.”

Belle was so shocked she couldn't speak. Her entire chest felt like a slab of basalt, heavy and utterly implastic. A cold sweat broke out on the back of her neck.

“You were worried I had forgotten how to say no? Well I’m saying it now. I’ll hold your hand, and I’ll eat with you and remain your Don Rush, but I won't be kissing you anymore. And the next time someone cooks up some stupid rumor, do us both a favor, deny it quietly and then talk to me about it privately. How hard is that?” He sounded livid and hurt.

Tears stung her eyes though she wished they wouldn't. “Nick, I’m so sorry. I didn't mean to put you on the spot and then insult your performance. You’re so right, that was really shitty of me.” Belle took a long steadying breath, it wasn't like she didn't know it was an act. He didn't love her, he was just the best damned actor she had ever seen and the joke was on her. She was a big girl, she’d deal with it. “And you’re right, the work is what’s important. I’ll do as you suggest with further issues with regards to our public personas. We probably shouldn't be kissing anymore anyway because I did apologize to Eli for things getting out of hand last night and it wouldn't look too good if we just carried on as we had been. That works out, actually.”

What a bunch of horse shit. If things were working out, Belle wouldn't be struggling to breathe under the weight of suffocating tears she could not let him see. Not ever.

“That’s settled then.” His voice was frigid, taut. “How close are you with that program you were working on?”

Three hours before the start of their shift the following morning Belle collapsed onto her bed in a fit of crushing tears. She went to sleep, she knew, exhausted as she was, but she was still crying when she woke from bitter dreams.

***

His eyes were red rimmed when he joined her for breakfast.

“Good morning, sweetheart. Did you sleep ok?”

Did he really? Seriously?

“Nightmares. You?”

He hesitated a moment before he said, “Same.”

“Sorry to hear that. I hate nightmares.”

“Me too, Belle.”

They didn't speak through the rest of breakfast. Belle knew others noticed, but there was nothing for it. This charade was almost over anyway.

Shouldn't have thought that! Tears assaulted Belle’s eyes and it was everything she could do to attempt to hide them.

His grip on her hand was surprisingly firm on their way to the interface room. She did what she could to keep from clutching at his hand like it would be the last time they ever touched.

“Trouble in paradise?” Volker snickered at them when they entered.

“Shut the hell up, Volker! I am so fucking sick of your shit! Just how fun do you think it is to have the guts of your relationship trotted all over the ship on everybody’s shoes? No other couple on the ship has to endure that. Everyone else gets the privacy they need to deal with their issues as they arise, but not us, no for some reason, Eli, we are a public spectacle. Well no more. Leave us the fuck alone and shut the hell up. All of you!” Rush bellowed.

Belle dimly wondered if everyone understood all of what he’d said because yelling had thickened his accent. Used to him as she was, she caught it all, but all around her were furrowed brows and hunched shoulders. Well, Eli had his forehead propped on the heel of his hand and the rest of his body slumped like it would melt into the floor.

This was a big fucking mess.

Belle cautiously stretched out a hand to rub up and down Rush’s back. His muscles felt like ropes but he surprised her by leaning into her touch and relaxing visibly. After a moment, he held out shaking hands in an offer of a hug. Belle looked up at him for permission and saw his eyebrows raised. He reached toward her and she stepped into his arms.

He held her surprisingly tightly, so she returned his hug.

“I’m sorry,” He whispered in her ear so no one else would catch it.

She tiptoed up to whisper back, “I’m sorry too, and I don't blame you.”

He hugged her tighter still and buried his nose in her hair. She did the same certain this would be the last time they held each other.

It was going to be a very long day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't tell me you didn't see the angst coming. This is me we're talking about. :P


	14. Chapter 14

But just how long, Belle had had no idea.

Two hours into their shift, the Destiny dropped out of FTL nose to nose with an abandoned ship. Rush then made up some bullshit about him telling Destiny they needed parts and that the Destiny must have seen this as an opportunity.

She knew he had seen the ship last night, programmed the Destiny to stop, and not said a word to her about it. Because, of course, they hadn't been on speaking terms, precisely. And because of that, Belle hadn't looked into his work, too busy working on her own. Shit.

Then, the stupid men, both he and Young had gotten into a dick measuring contest resulting in both leaders deciding they had to go off the Destiny onto an abandoned wreck.

Belle fumed as she buckled Rush into his space suit.

“This is the most idiotic, reckless, ridiculous, hair-brained, ill-conceived, poorly thought-out, and did I mention testosterone-induced, stupidity I have ever seen from either of you! And that’s saying something! You’re both going to die, either from killing each other in yet another pissing match or because the destroyed wreck of a ship kills you dead for your insolence. Are you even listening to me, Nick?”

“Hard to avoid as you are shouting in my ear.”

“Excellent.” Belle began taking off the suit she had been fastening.

He caught her hands, pulling away, “If you’re not going to support this mission, go take a nap. We don't have time for this.”

Belle pulled away as if stung. Then she stared hard at his cold, immovable eyes. There was nothing there, no evidence of Don Rush, or even her coworker Rush to be found, just the empty vacuum of space. 

How the hell did he do that? Belle would never be the actor Rush was. Not ever on her best day.

Unable to restrain herself she said, “I love you, you fucking prick.”

And she left the airlock.

Belle refused to cry.

As she got further away, she heard Young say, “Even if you two had a fight, that was fucking cold. She loves you and she’s right. A little reassurance wouldn't have hurt your ego. You’re a lot of damned work.”

“I don't need relationship advice from the man who knocks up his subordinate while cheating on his wife. So get on with this.”

Belle didn't stay to hear anymore.

She had settled into her own icy calm by the time she arrived back in the interface room.

“The kino’s in.” Eli was saying.

Thankfully everyone was fixated on their tasks and didn't pay Belle any mind as she resumed her station.

The only thing that kept her from breaking out into a sweat before hearing Rush’s voice reporting that they were both aboard was her anger.

That was until the derelict went ballistic. Then she started sweating and punched the comm button.

“Nick?” She didn't sound panicked. She didn't.

“I’m here, Belle, I’m here. Look, we’re in a bit of a situation here. Remember those heuristics we were working on the other day? They’ve become a sudden priority.”

“I’d never have guessed you’d need any help from me, Nick.” Belle said flatly.

“What do you want me to say? That I was wrong? We’re in a bit of a bind here Belle, are you going to, are you going to help me or not?”

“You know damn well I’ll help you. I just wanted you to hear you say you were wrong. Because my saying it wasn’t enough to prevent this in the first place.”

“You’re right, Belle, about a lot of things. Now, if you don't mind, we need to get to work. Would you head down to the drive and see about an override? Come and pick us up?”

“I’ll come too.” Eli said.

“Eli, why don't you go help Dr. Park in Engineering? Nick and I will work faster on our own without having to catch you up. We’ll need you there.” Belle told him and she grabbed one of Rush’s notepads and left.

The bridge was silent and dark without him, but Belle wasted no time verifying a discrete channel.

“I’m in the drive section, private channel, Nick, are you there?”

“I’m here, Belle. Good thinking on how to dispose of Eli. Young is off exploring, but no telling how long he’ll be. We’re ok for the moment.”

“I’m going to divert Eli a little to hide the fact that I know exactly how to come and get you.” Belle programmed an erratic course into the Destiny’s navigation mainframe beginning with a sudden burst from the thrusters. She pushed the command to run the program and then said softly, “Don't worry Nick, I’ll be right there.”

“I know you will, Belle.”

And the Destiny lurched forward.

“Belle!” Eli screeched over the radio.

“Eli, can you shut down the main thruster? I’m locked out now. We haven't quite got this figured out, yet.”

“But if I override it it’ll have to reboot from cold before we can fire it back up again.”

“I know, but we don't have a choice at this point! Nick and I can use the time to fix the error. Just do it Eli! We don't want to get any further away!” Belle yelled into her radio, her actual anxiety over Rush’s situation helped her sell the performance.

A few moments later, the Destiny stopped accelerating and Belle was able to verify that Eli had begun the reboot.

“Good work, Eli. Thanks.” Belle didn't have to fake her relief that the first stage of her rescue plan had worked and Eli would be kept busy and out of her hair. “I’ll be silent while Nick and I work. Belle out.”

“Very good thinking, Belle.”

“Don't be condescending toward me, I have no patience or time for it.” Belle growled at him while she input the next step in the programming.

“I wasn't. That was an earnest and grateful compliment.”

“Can be hard to tell with you. It should take us about an hour to get to you on thrusters, Nick.”

Then there was silence.

“Nick?” Nothing. “NICK!”

Belle couldn't detect any discernible change from the alien vessel. But he did not answer her.

She switched to the common channel, “Nick, Colonel Young, please come in! What’s your status?”

Nothing.

Eli said, “What happened Belle? Did your channel fail?”

“Yes it did, Eli, or they’re not answering. I can't tell which from here. If you’re done starting that reboot can you determine if we’re out of range?”

“Kinos are limited, that’s probably what happened. Do you need help? I can come and help you.”

“No, Eli,” Belle said quickly, “I need you to do whatever you can think of to reestablish communications while I finish up here. Without distraction, I think I can get it within about an hour.”

“If you’re sure-“

“I’m sure! Belle out.” Belle, in truth, went back to work on trying to reopen their own private channel.

An agonizing fifteen minutes later and out of breath Rush panted, “I’m here, Belle, I’m here. I’m so sorry. Eli’s probably on his way to you right now.”

“What?!”

“Young overheard us.”

“Oh, I see. I need to go so I can focus on this, Nick. I’ll leave the channel open.” Belle’s heart started galloping and she scrambled with her programming at panic speed.

Five minutes later, Eli, Volker, Park and Brody stormed onto the bridge.

Belle hastily entered her last two inputs and pressed start. She gasped a shaking breath as Eli began bellowing: “You’ve had control of this ship the whole time?! Why wouldn't you tell anyone?!”

“Eli!” Rush yelled over the radio, “None of this is Belle’s fault. I asked her to trust me and she did. I’ll explain everything as soon as we’re safely aboard.”

“Like I’d trust anything you say! You’ve been lying to us this whole time! Both of you!”

“With very good reason, Eli.” Rush was trying to sound calm, but it was only sort of working. “Now stop distracting Belle while she’s trying to come and get us.”

“I can't believe this shit!” But Eli calmed down and came to look over Belle’s shoulder and she reentered her programming for his benefit.

The other scientists gathered around very much in learning mode.

About twenty minutes later, Rush’s voice came back over the radio. “Belle, our kino was damaged, we’re not going to be able to use it to get back.”

“That’s ok, Rush, I can calculate a jump for both of you. It’ll just be a minute.” Eli smiled, math was his thing and Belle respected that. Especially if it got Rush back to her safely.

“If they miss this ship…” Brody murmured.

“They won't. I got this.”

And in spite of everything, Belle trusted Eli to do his part, to get Rush back to her.

Which he did.

As soon as she heard Rush confirm they were both aboard, Belle raced over, kissed Eli’s cheek and dashed for the airlock.

She slammed the open button as soon as she could and both Rush and Young hurtled in.

Belle reached a trembling hand toward Rush’s suit, not sure whether to help him out of it and then rip him a new one or rip him a new one and then get him out of the suit.

While she was still trying to figure that out, Young saved her the trouble.

“If you don't kiss her properly and tell her what an ass you are and how wrong you were, I’ll do it for you.” Young was smirking.

That’s when she saw the blood and bruises on both their faces and she knew they had fought. Again.

“Quite sensible, in the spirit of cooperation, I’ll save you the trouble.” Rush took off his helmet and behind his tousled hair, livid bruises were swelling and he had dried blood under his nose.

Belle just stood there trying not to cry not knowing what to do.

With his helmet off and out of his hands Rush met her eyes and stared deeply. He whispered, “May I kiss you?”

Belle jerked a nod, there was no other answer, really. Sure she could have said no, pretended to be too angry with him still, but Belle wanted this kiss desperately. Even if he didn't love her as she loved him, for this moment she could show him how she felt, at least.

Her vision blurred as he approached, but she saw pain in his face. Lip quivering uncontrolled, she looked up at him, heart racing and chest tight. He pushed her hair behind her ear and whispered, “That’s the last time I don't listen to you.”

Then he kissed her with his whole face, forehead to forehead first, then nose to nose, the last part of the kiss was his lips laying against hers gently and she could feel them trembling even as hers did the same. Even so, he kissed her properly, leisurely and thoroughly.

Belle felt like he was kissing her goodbye, enjoying this one last time while he could. It wasn't like she wasn't doing the same. Belle poured every last fiber of love she could into that kiss, hoping against hope that somehow he’d figure out it wasn't an act, that they had something worth pursuing, something much more than dinner theater.

When Rush finally did break the kiss, he leaned his forehead against hers for a moment and whispered, “I’m sorry. So sorry. Time to face the music.”

Then the moment had ended and Belle felt like a black hole had just formed in the middle of her chest. Drawing breath was difficult but she followed Rush to where Young was waiting.

On her way by, Young stopped her with a few fingers brushing her sleeve at the elbow. He gave her a feather touch kiss on the cheek and murmured, “Thank you very much Belle for saving my life. You were right.”

Belle smirked at him, appreciating his sense of humor and the sentiment. She had a feeling his gratitude wouldn't last much past their return to the bridge.

It didn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't fret my dears, it will be ok. I promise.


	15. Chapter 15

The tranquil peace she and Rush had shared while working up here these past weeks had been replaced by a frenetic beehive of activity. And a good deal of swearing and pounding on controls.

The last made Belle smile a tiny little self satisfied smile when she was certain no one was looking.

Rush looked like he was going to vomit in sheer terror at the abuse his Destiny was suffering under the none too tender mercies of the ham-fisted scientists.

Without thinking, Belle took his hand and squeezed it. She only realized she probably shouldn't have done that when his own hand gripped hers almost tightly enough to hurt. But he wasn't letting go, he was trying not to drown.

Then the angry bees saw who had kicked over their hive.

A buzzing drone of yelling started up at once, but at least they had stopped mashing buttons.

In the cacophony, Belle could pick out a few distinct words and they were: Rush, fuck, godsdamn, and son of a bitch.

“That’s enough!” Young roared and surprisingly, they actually shut up. Mostly out of confusion and shock that Young hadn’t airlocked Rush, or rather just left him locked outside to rot on the hull like a dead barnacle. “These two are going to answer every question we have to the best of their abilities. Rush and I have made a bargain. He agreed to transparency and I agreed to partnership on this mission.”

Many sets of eyeballs yo-yo-ed between the bruises on Rush’s face and those decorating Young’s.

Belle was actually please with that deal. It was the best they could hope for, she thought.

Eli was the first to begin an onslaught of questions that lasted the next fourteen hours. “If you broke the code, why are we still locked out of inputting commands?”

Rush through his arms around her and kissed her forehead, “You did it! Thank the gods. Thank you, Belle! You saved us twice today.”

“What do you mean she did it?” Park wanted to know.

“In order to prevent what I saw in here when I returned from blowing up the ship, I put training wheels on the Destiny.”

“You what?” Scott demanded.

“Training wheels. Set to the master code. Dr. Rush knows it and I know it, but none of you will until you’ve learned enough to be safe with it. When I caught him, found out that he had broken the code and was tinkering on the bridge, I agreed that the safety of the ship and everyone on board was the highest priority. That’s why I kept his secret. You will find that you can look but not touch all of Destiny’s systems, you can input as much code as you like, but without the master code input as well, nothing you do will effect anything.”

“Dr. French and I won't negotiate on this, no matter what you do to either of us. I would rather die than see this ship torn apart by an over-eager herd of warthogs. Dr. French feels the same. Or rather she knows that capitulating would result in her death, the destruction of the ship and the deaths of said herd of warthogs, which she finds undesirable. Further, our work is incomplete and as you aren't yet ready to work with us on it, she and I will have private time to work on the bridge without meddlesome distraction from you.”

Belle picked up the thread before anyone else could jump in, “You will all have time to study the ship’s systems until you can prove to us, all of you, that you understand enough to be careful, cautious and have an unwavering basic understanding before we even think about giving you the code. We will teach you, because damned if we couldn't use the help. I wanted to bring you in as soon as I could find a safe way to do so. Both Nick and I were terrified of being discovered before we could protect everyone. We did this for you. Don't forget that. Now, we have a lot of work to do so pick a station and go sit down.”

From that point, Rush began with the Destiny’s ultimate mission and Belle felt warm and gratified by the shining looks on the faces of the other scientists when Rush showed them the evidence. A structure at the beginning of spacetime. It was an awe-inspiring discovery.

Belle barely managed to disrobe sufficiently for comfort before falling into her bed in the wee hours of the morning. Rush was still arguing with Volker when she gave up and went to bed. She was shocked that Young backed them up on their plan, that he kept his word about partnership. Young himself had gone to bed maybe half an hour before Belle gave in to fatigue.

When Belle saw Rush slap Volker in the back of the skull, she knew she had to leave before she slapped one or both of them herself.

She fell into a dreamless, blissful heap in seconds.

Until a hand shook her awake.

“Belle, wake up a minute. Please.” That was Rush’s voice.

So all the knocking noises and the beeping of a keypad hadn't been a dream? He’d just broken into her quarters again?

“Damn it Nick! Wrong room, of all fucking nights, I just fell asleep. Damn you!” If he understood any of her sleepy mumbling she’d be surprised, but sleep was already sucking her back under.

“No, Belle. I’m right where I intended to be, only you didn't answer your door no matter what I did, so I got worried and came in.” Through gritty and groggy eyes she saw him fuss with her covers. He was kneeling at her bedside. “I wanted to ask you if it was alright to join you, if I could sleep here tonight.”

“Why? I’m too tired for this shit, Nick.”

That sleep-roughened breathy pathetic attempt to speak was hers, unfortunately.

He didn't answer immediately, but even in the dimness she could make out his hair falling in front of his face when he dropped his chin. At last, he begged softly, “Please, Belle, even only for tonight. I’m so tired and I just don't want to be alone.”

Belle managed to get her sleep paralyzed body to respond at last and she pushed some of his hair behind his ear so she could see his face. She met his eyes in the darkness and made a decision. “I don't have the best track record of kicking you out. Come on if you’re coming. You’re keeping me awake with this.”

She’d figure this out in the morning and if this was a colossal mistake, it wouldn't be her first.

Mere seconds later Rush had shed shoes, pants, vest and over-shirt. Clad just as she was, a shirt and underwear, he slid in beside her and pulled her to his chest. Their legs tangled and for a moment the skin on skin contact overwhelmed her fatigued weakened mind. His warm legs against hers were the only thing her brain registered at all, and she wanted more of that. As if they had been doing this every night for years, their legs stroked one another seeking comfort while their top halves cuddled together looking for the optimal position. Rush stroked her hair and snuffled in it as he settled in and she nuzzled into his chest.

Five seconds later both were unconscious.

Coming back to wakefulness was always an unpleasant affair, but this time, there was something redeeming about it. She could smell him all around her and she was warm. Heavy limbs held her against him and her own totally relaxed body draped over his. The rise and fall of his chest hypnotized her nearly back to sleep until he shifted against her lower half and Belle found herself again with the quandary of what to do about certain inconvenient functions of Rush’s body.

Ignore it and go back to sleep? Try to roll over and away, then go back to sleep? Kiss him awake and make use of the situation?

After that thought, going back to sleep was out of the question and Belle recalled his musings about the potential intergenerationality of this mission. Her tired mind would not be rerouted to safer, less stimulating topics. Optimizing CO2 filtration, for example, did not last longer than three heartbeats because Belle felt tension deep in her pelvis which had had no satisfaction in far too long. 

The issue at hand needed to be addressed and molesting her, well, her what? He wasn't her lover, he was more than her coworker, and friend didn’t cover it. Molesting him was out of the question in any case. Still, he was warm and stiff and a throbbing began low in her belly. It was intolerable. Maybe she could find a shower no one else was using for long enough to take care of herself.

She had nearly gotten as far as deciding to try to pry herself from his arms when he shifted. His regular breathing stopped for a second then a long sigh ruffled her hair. Previously relaxed arms tightened around her and his hands readjusted themselves on her body. Below, he pressed himself against her and Belle drew in a quick breath. A soft, protesting grunt rumbled in her ear, that of a person in denial of wakefulness but emerging from sleep anyway.

So Belle opened her eyes to the view of where his white undershirt wrinkled at his armpit. She shut her eyes again. Another sleepy moan sounded under her ear and then he snuffled in her hair, shifting about further. He’d be awake any second and fully aware of what was happening below their waistlines.

Right on cue, he stiffened and jerked his hips away from hers. His arms lifted away from her body and their welcome heat with them. She started to cuddle toward him instinctively but made herself relax.

“I’m awake, Nick. Good morning.” Belle made no attempt to move away.

“Wh-what? Belle? What are you doing in my quarters?” Rush sounded utterly confused.

“You’re in mine.” Belle didn't want to move and he hadn't shoved her off his body yet though his hands hadn't landed to hold her again though she wished they would. Did they really have to go through this again?

Apparently so, as he wriggled from under her and strong hands dislodged her gently but firmly.

“Nick?” Belle looked at him now, feeling rather affronted.

“I can't believe I did this again. After everything.” He drew away from her and into a ball with his arms wrapped securely around his knees. Sad and guilty dark eyes stared at her.

“You don't remember?” Belle frowned at sat up. She did not bother trying to draw the blankets around her for cover, the point of that had long past in her view.

“What!?” His eyes grew round and shiny in the dim light.

“Nick you asked me if you could stay.”

He blinked in shock searching her face, “And we-?”

The radio cut him off.

“Rush, get your ass to the bridge and bring Dr. French with you. Now.”

Belle opened her mouth to speak but Rush looked horrified for a split second more, then launched off the bed and into his jeans. He spoke again as he finished dressing.

“I have no memory of last night, I should never have come here, let alone whatever else I might have done. The inadequacy of sorry is startling but I have no other word. I’m certain Eli will relish the chance to keep me under guard. Clearly that’s what’s needed. You’ll have nothing further to fear from me, Dr. French. We’ll work opposite schedules and you’ll not see me but rarely, emergencies excepted. I’m the worst kind of criminal-”

“Nick!” By this point in his self-flagellation Belle had scrambled across the bed to block his exit and take his arm. He looked down at where she held his elbow gently then his eyes flicked to her bare legs, then up to her nipples where they stood in relief behind her shirt before they jerked up to her eyes blinking rapidly. “Nick, it's ok. You asked and I agreed you could stay. Nothing happened, all we did was sleep. Ok? Are you awake enough now to process that? Do you remember now?”

Rush blinked at her, then he shook his head. “I don't remember coming here last night. But why would you agree to-”

The radio squawked again, “Answer your damned radio, Rush! Beauty rest is over, like it does you any good.”

“On my way.” Rush growled into the radio.

“Wait a second,” Belle threw her clothes on as fast as she could but had to catch up to him in the hallway anyway because he didn't wait.

“Nick, it’s ok. I promise, you didn't do anything.”

“It isn't ok. You know it isn't ok. Hasn't been since the first time I invaded your space. Less so since you found out about the bridge.”

He didn't seem to care too much if anyone heard at this point, but Belle still cared very much for what would happen if Eli and the rest of the crew decided that he had in fact beaten her into keeping his secret. So Belle dragged him by the hand into an unused set of quarters and mashed the door closed.

“They can bloody well wait!” She hissed, “Now listen to me, I know I should have supported you better about, about the procreation thing, but that doesn't justify how you reacted this morning. I can't figure out what has you so upset. What is the matter, Nick?”

“I need this charade to end, Belle, I can't tolerate it. For some reason, I thought it was ok to ask you for your company last night. Maybe my subconscious is getting even more confused than it was to start with, and the less said of that the better. But I am having difficulty sorting where the lines are when I’m wide awake. I can't do this anymore. I can't live with the thought of crossing the line and coming to you last night was another step in the wrong direction. This has to end and I need space. You need space, from me.” Rush pleaded with her.

“Oh.” Belle felt her lip tremble and the pressure of tears start behind her eyes. He didn't love her. He was suffering from what actors all too often suffered from: the mix of fact and fiction. A confusing and heady brew that had a habit of causing notorious Hollywood flings. “I see. Is a week soon enough? We can be on the rocks since our recent issues and it can just fall apart naturally. Will that do?”

“Yes!” He hissed softly, “It’ll do.”

A tear escaped her as soon as he turned on his heel and left the room. She stood there for another moment trying to breathe. Her fake relationship with him was over and it felt like she had just lost escape velocity and was plummeting toward a star. This was going to hurt for a long, long time.

She caught up to him a moment later though, and dared to look at his face. He looked stricken, like all that heartbreak she had seen when they were alone had become more than even he could hide. An excellent actor. She had to remember that he deserved every award in the book.

Belle hoped for her part that she had achieved tired melancholy in place of her true wretched and spent affect by the time they had reached the bridge. Useful or not, Belle didn't want to use her own actual heartbreak as a platform for how the fake her felt about her crumbling fake relationship. To her surprise, he took her hand in his before he slapped the button to open the door. She let him, but did not grip his hand in return as she had in the past.

Eli, sitting in the command chair, looked up at the door opening then his face darkened and he snarled. “That’s enough already! I’ve fucking had it with this shit. We know your secret now, Rush, the two of you can end this gross display!”

Belle and Rush looked at each other, startled and confused. 

“What?” They said in unison and Rush tightened his hold on her hand, which she answered with her own squeeze.

“I know your relationship,” Eli held up air quotes around the word, “is fake. A revolting farce meant to cover up your work on the bridge.”

“Oh thank the gods,” Rush squeezed her hand, then dropped it and drooped like a punctured tire.

“What?”

“What the hell?”

“Oh my gods! No way!”

“I don't believe it!”

Belle heard the sentiment echoed all around them but all she could do was stare back and forth between Rush and Eli. Once her jaw quit flapping about, she demanded of Eli, “How could you possibly know about that? We’ve been very careful.”

Eli rolled his eyes and scoffed. “Oh yeah, careful is the word you’d choose. Shortly after he started his creepy B and E’s into your quarters, Matt told me about it so I planted a kino in your vent.”

“You spied on me?!” Outrage flooded Belle and Rush’s head shot up beside her. She could feel the tension radiating off him.

“Well, I listened.” His shrug was an angry one, “I thought he was being a creep, ok? You weren’t talking when I asked.” Eli spread his hands placatingly. “Then you showed up with bruises! I don't know how you convinced TJ of this crap. I wanted to lock him up right then. And besides, we all knew he was hiding something. Young ordered me to keep listening, no matter what I said. So yeah, I learned all about your fake relationship and your fake sex, Jesus Christ, that was so gross. Who has sex like that? I’m not that naïve.”

“So you knew of our deception all along?” Rush directed this at Young.

“Unlike Eli, I pay close attention to what goes on under my command. You two may have had a fake relationship, but I am one-hundred percent certain that you have things to work out between you. Rush, you may be an ass, but you’ve never been a predator. In Eli’s defense, I’ve known you long enough to make the judgment call. But I understand why he was concerned. Maybe now that everything’s out in the open we can have a little less drama and a bit more work.” Young snorted. “And your damned lucky I’m not counting your personal business against your promise to be transparent. Mostly because I already knew, you’re welcome.”

“That’s very generous,” Rush muttered, “but on one thing we can agree. Enough drama. Time for you lot to prove your worth and get to work. Belle and I both have lost a lot of sleep trying to make sure you wouldn't kill us by sneezing all over the wrong console.”

It was a long day. A long week, as it turned out, and Belle felt every excruciating day of loneliness even working two feet away from Rush. He may as well have been on Earth for all she could reach out to him.

And what Young had said rang loudly in her ears, both things actually: you have things to work out between you; even if you two had a fight, that was fucking cold- she loves you and she’s right.

Belle knew with absolute certainty that she hadn't fooled Young for a minute. Which meant she was unlikely to have fooled Rush either. Which meant he didn't want her. Completely and utterly taken in by her own scheme like a total idiot.

Between drone attacks and trying to whip the crew into some kind of safe condition to handle the Destiny, Belle supposed she was lucky there had been little down time in which to wallow. 

Rush’s politeness toward her returned. He used her first name, at least, but still. How could “Thank you, Belle,” sound so foul? So much like a knife edge, or even an accusation even when his tone and body language were deferential, demur. Of course it wasn't his words, or how he said them, that made them hurt so much, it was the chasm which had opened up between them. Gone was her partner in crime, science, exploration, and here, in his place, was the guilty, sad and exhausted Dr. Rush he had been before they had been forced to deal with his nocturnal roving.

Which, unfortunately, had not recurred.

Belle’s bed had never been colder or more uncomfortable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gettin' down to it folks! Just hold on, we're gonna make it through. I promise. Would you consider nominating this for the TEAs this year? Best Rushbelle? Best Anyelle? Best category I made up or can't remember just now? It'd tickle me pink if you did.


	16. Chapter 16

She and Rush had sweated together with Eli over the drone they brought on board and in the heat of the moment, he had engaged with her intellectually just as they had done in the past and it felt as if her friend were peeking out from behind Dr. Rush’s eyes, even if sudden death could mow them all down at any moment.

With the drone flushed back out into space, Belle leaned panting against the bulkhead exchanging looks with Rush and Eli. For his part, Eli hadn’t budged an inch from his standoffish and resentful pouting since he had unceremoniously outed their scheme to everyone, but now he looked as relieved as Belle and Rush. He even smiled a little.

Rush met her eyes when she looked over at him again, and for a split second, she saw his heartbreak before it vanished into Dr. Rush’s cool nod in the direction of the bridge indicating they needed to return.

There was no time to consider the flash of grief she thought she saw.

“Eli, I’m afraid we can't wait much longer to have help on the bridge. I need your most mature, considered opinion on this, so please put aside whatever vitriol you’ve been saving up for another day. Are you able to help Belle and I supervise the rest of the crew and keep the ship in one piece? Are you ready?” Rush’s voice was calm, smooth and deadly earnest.

For a moment there was silence as they walked, then Eli darted anxious looks at both of them. “In spite of your snipe at my age, I understand why you did what you did.” He clenched his jaw, “The part about restricting our access anyway. I may not agree with your methods,” he coughed, “but I do get it. Since I’ve been told gossiping isn't adult behavior, your asking me this feels a little weird.”

“Eli. Personnel management isn't gossip and it's an essential part of a functioning team. You’re being asked to evaluate your peers and give and informed opinion. Can you do that or not?” Belle put on her patient voice as they stepped into the elevator hoping her irritation wouldn't show through too much.

He glowered at her for a second, but let out a breath before he said, “I doubt I can tell you anything you don't already know. But. Volker struggles and Brody does ok propping him up most of the time. Park’s alright but does better working in a team than alone. I think I can, with help, keep them from blowing up the ship. Are you two actually going to help me? Treat me as part of the team, as you call it? Or are you going to continue passive-aggressively babysitting me?”

“When you don't need babysitting, you’ll find people will stop babysitting you.” Rush growled as he stabbed the elevator button. “But you’re coming along. Very well. Today’s the day. Hope you put on your big-boy panties this morning.”

In spite of herself Belle smirked.

Then she told Eli the master code.

“You expect me to tell them?” He looked and sounded panicked.

“Adult decisions, Eli. If you think you can keep a close enough eye on them, you can announce it to the whole ship. If not, you can simply input it after whatever commands you enter and keep it to yourself. But it's up to you to decide when to tell your coworkers, to evaluate their progress and determine when they’re ready.” Belle tried for encouraging. She knew Eli could do it, if he was willing. Besides, she missed her friend. It would be nice to start rebuilding that bridge, if she could.

She stole a glance at Rush and saw that his expression was soft and he was looking at her.

Speaking of bridges.

***

Eli didn't tell the crew the code that day, but he did use it himself. And tell everyone he had it. That and he started tutoring his peers more aggressively. They all but demanded it of him. If she wasn't imagining things, the other scientists started using their resources better as well. They had begun to consult each other and to ask questions constructively.

Almost as if Belle and Rush deciding to trust Eli had been all it took to motivate them beyond their resentments and stress. Within three days, productivity had at least doubled.

Though they all knew it was only a matter of time before the drones found them again, for now, they had been granted a reprieve.

Belle had finished her dinner some time ago and had been reading Rush’s book alone in the mess when he walked in. Belle felt herself flush with embarrassment even though she had nothing to be embarrassed about. It wasn't like she was taking his book out to dinner since she couldn’t have him. Nothing like that. She was reading.

A normal thing to do.

Even so, Belle couldn't look at him as he went to pick up his food. She closed his book, grabbed her dishes, and hastily deposited them before leaving. She refused to look back to see if he had noticed her departure.

Respite from the drones maybe, but she could not escape the loss of the closeness she had enjoyed with him.

So Belle went back to work.

Park and Eli were taking the evening shift and looked up in surprise when she returned to the bridge.

“Book not that interesting anymore?” Eli asked and it didn't sound like he intended to be snide.

“Never was to begin with, but by now that’s hardly the point of reading it anyway. What I wouldn't give for a copy of Lord of the Rings.” Belle smiled regretfully at him.

“Wielder of the dark flame of, what was it? You shall not pass!” Eli’s impression of Gandalf from the films made Belle giggle.

“What, you won't let me work to escape my troubles, oh wise wizard?”

“And what troubles would those be? Dr. French?” Eli was finally making an effort. It relieved Belle no end.

So she answered him honestly. “I’m lonely, Eli, way out here,” she gave a half hearted chuckle, “I was doing better in a fake relationship than I am now.”

Eli stopped working and turned around, “Rough fake break-up?”

“The worst!” Belle smiled not having to fake sadness at all. “I have to work with my fake-ex day in and day out and there’s no fake-sex at the end of it either. That was a bit of fun, a diversion.”

“A diversion all right,” Eli chuckled humorlessly. “And now what, he won't give you the fake time of day?”

“I haven't exactly asked, Eli. How would that sound… oh, hey Nick, wanna have fake-sex tonight? You know for old times’ sake? Because I’m bored and could use the company.” Belle sing-songed.

“But you miss him? You miss, erm, making out?” Park turned around to join the conversation.

“I can't fault you for your optimism, Park, do you miss TV like I miss books?” Belle rejoined lightly. How she had allowed this conversation to get so close to the truth was beyond her, but she’d be damned if she told the second and third biggest gossips on the ship she was in love with Nicholas Rush.

“Well, yeah. But do you?”

Oh hell.

“Do I miss having certain itches scratched by a very good kisser? What do you think? Pity me, please.” Belle huffed and returned her attention determinedly to her work.

“Maybe your fake relationship wasn't all that fake.”

Damn Park anyway.

“The good kisser part was absolutely real, but give it up Park. It sounds to me like maybe you are the one who wants to go make out with Dr. Rush.” Belle grumbled, hoping to divert her nosy coworker.

“Gak! No. Beard-face.” Park stuck her tongue out several times as if she’d had something nasty in her mouth.

“Oh, no, his is soft, like the rest of his hair.” Belle realized her mistake only after she’d finished the sentence. She covered it up as best she could. “Oh listen to how pathetic I am. I think I’m going to give up this pretense of work and go find an empty shower for some personal time.”

“I’m not hearing this.” Eli murmured as Belle scooped up her book and left the bridge again.

No need for alcohol. Belle can't keep her big mouth shut. Good gods!

Belle found a currently empty and infrequently used shower and left her clothes on a bench.

It may not have been precisely steam, since it wasn't water, but the feeling of being warm and wet served the purpose well enough. She ran her hands over her skin trying to relax, to put aside the day’s, month’s, oh hell, most of the last year’s worth of stress and tension.

Of all the sources of stress, Belle hated interpersonal strife the most. Perhaps because it was the most difficult to fix. Systems could be changed, machines repaired, new jobs acquired, mostly. Health, well, that was its own thing.

But problems between people required both parties to want to fix them before anything could be solved, before anyone could relax.

And Rush didn’t have any inclination to fix her problem anyway. He didn't want her.

He couldn't possibly not know. If it was so obvious that Young and Park (and probably the rest of the ship) knew, the brilliant Dr. Rush knew. And he didn't want her.

Belle stopped washing herself and leaned against the wall of the shower. She’d come here ostensibly to masturbate, but without the emotional impetus, that wasn't going to happen. Instead, tears mingled with the mist on her face.

He had said he would always be her friend, but that was before she had coerced, no matter what he had said she knew better now, him into their theater arrangement. She could not hold him to that.

Belle heard a sob echo around the room. The hot shower wasn't helping with the cold, dark loneliness of space.

Thankfully no crying jag lasted forever and with her tears spent, the exhausted Belle French turned off the shower and toweled herself down. She turned her underwear inside out, grimaced, and finished dressing.

She felt no better.

And that was when a thought struck her. Maybe she could ask Rush to keep his word. The worst he could do was turn her down in which case she could get some closure.

Belle didn't care that it was a bad idea, that it would probably result in more hurt and definitely embarrassment. She didn't want to be alone right then.

Her knock went unanswered. Five times. With her palm flat against the door Belle leaned her forehead against the cold metal. She felt incredibly sorry for herself. She was that last, pathetic, decomposing spinach leaf in what had been a fresh bag of salad greens. Unappealing, unwelcome, and unwanted. At least she didn't stink, so she had that going for her.

Decision made, Belle hacked the door lock.

The room was dark and Belle could hear the soft sound of his breathing. He’d really slept through all that noise. A pang of guilt squeezed her and she almost turned and left, but the door closed behind her leaving her in his starlit bedroom.

Still, she hesitated. What right did she have to break into his room while he was asleep to demand at he keep his word to her? Demand that he comfort her?

She knew she couldn't demand he love her, though if that would have worked, she felt miserable enough to try it.

Belle stood there and stared at his sleeping form. His upper body rose and fell with his breathing underneath the covers. His hair fell away from his face to spread like liquid over his pillow and his mouth relaxed gently under the weight of sleep.

She listened to the rhythm of his breath, to the soft sounds Destiny made through its environmental duct work. And she stood there.

When her gaze fell downward, a few small drops splatted on the deck plating. As if Destiny’s artificial gravity had been dramatically increased, Belle followed those drops to become a quivering heap of leaking moisture. The soft sounds of her body trying to breathe against the crushing fist of loneliness sounded much too loud in the quiet room.

A hand squeezing her shoulder and shaking her gently brought Belle out of her revery.

“Belle, Belle. What is it. What’s happened?” His voice. His hand squeezing her shoulder.

Oh shit, she hadn't meant to stay, how long had she been there?

“I’m so sorry Nick, I’ll go, I shouldn't have, oh gods, sorry!” Belle tried to pull away and get up to leave, embarrassed and ashamed, but he held on to her.

“If it’s this bad, you should have woken me up. What happened? Did someone die? I didn't turn off my radio when I went to bed.” Rush’s voice was soft and he was kneeling on the floor in front of her. His other hand began stroking her back, all but pulling her to him, if she were to move in the direction he suggested.

“Your radio wouldn't have woken you up anyway. You slept through all of my knocking. I know I should have just left you alone, I realized that as soon as I got in. I don't know why I’m still here. This isn't your problem.” Belle attempted to stand up and out of his grasp, but he held on.

“Tell me what’s wrong. Please,” he murmured.

She sagged into his arms, unable to resist another moment. The right thing be damned, she’d already trespassed this far. She let out a sigh and gave her response some thought, maybe she could tell him without blaming him, or really telling him much at all. She could always go with her original plan of asking for his friendship. He never needed to know the truth. Besides, his body felt warm against hers, beginning to drive away that deep chill.

“I,” she choked on the half-truths and they stuck in her throat. She should just admit her sins, but in a way that wouldn't leave him feeling responsible or burdened by them. A smart woman like her could figure out how to fix this. Without continuing to lie about it. “I’m a fool. An idiot and it’s my own fault.”

What a promising start.

But he just held her closer. “You’ve never been a fool, not a day in your life. What happened?”

Her Don Rush was holding her, murmuring in her ear and Belle clutched him. She needed to make this better, not worse. Get it together, Belle. “Yeah, I’m a fool. You know how I told you I didn't feel so lonely out here when you, well, when you visited me?”

He stiffened a little at that but nodded and said, “Mmm-hmm.”

“Believe it or not, I made matters worse for myself.” Belle’s heart had begun a panicked thudding in her chest, no going back now. “You see, I cooked up this scheme to cover up yet another scheme and I, I can't believe I’m saying this to you, but for a while I actually felt better, about everything. The loneliness went away, the stress was manageable and I had a partner in crime. And I, well, now that our fake relationship has suffered its fake break-up, I’m back at square one, except I feel worse.”

It took him a long time to respond and Belle kept expecting him to let go of her, to pull away, but if anything he was holding her tighter. He finally murmured, “Being lonely way out here doesn't make you a fool.”

“No, but believing your own lies does.” Belle cursed herself for replying instantly, she should never have said that. The point wasn't to try to get pity from Rush or to guilt him into feeling obligated toward her some how. She knew he didn't want her. Her feelings were so plain that even Young saw right through her charade. Never mind Park. Guilting him for not loving her the way she desperately wished he did was not the plan. Not the plan.

He had gone still against her while she mentally berated herself for her further stupidity. He said, “Belle I followed you up to that point, but I don't understand. What were you lying to yourself about?”

Belle saw a way out and she seized it. He hadn't made the leap, so she could steer him away from dangerous waters. “You were beyond reproach, so we’re clear, I know what an actor you are and I don't blame you for anything. But, even knowing it was theater, there were things that felt real to me, basic things, like just spending time together. I had Don Rush to talk to in the evenings and a part of me started believing, started to believe that, that,” Belle stumbled, searching for words that weren’t “that you loved me,” because she couldn't say that. “That I wasn't as alone out here anymore. So yeah, I set myself up to miss those things when it ended. You see? Your charming Don Rush swept me off my feet, so to speak, and I’m not handling our fake break-up because I have no one to go to dinner with anymore. You deserve and Oscar and I am a fool getting your floor wet and burdening you with my whining. Pathetic and not your problem.”

Her words died away into silence. Was he trembling? 

He was shaking, and she hadn't felt him take a breath in too long either. When he did breathe again, it was a shuddering, stuttering affair followed by some quick shallow breaths.

“Nick? What is it?” She’d have released him to look at his face but he was holding her so tightly, as if he thought she might disappear.

“Belle, I’m no actor.”

At first she thought she must have misheard him through his accent. Then she stopped breathing. Everything Don Rush had said to her came crashing through her mind like high tide drowning a sea cave. How could he say he was no actor when, when he had said that he loved her, over and over again? Everyone had believed it. Belle knew how badly she had wanted to believe it, how she had wanted him to believe her when she said it back.

And he had the audacity to claim he couldn't act? It didn't make any sense.

Belle pulled away and grasped his shoulders so she could look into his eyes. They were bright and shiny and he looked devastated.

“Nick, I don't know how you can say that, you convinced everyone around us. Young, Park, Scott, Brody, all of them-”

“Belle!” Rush grasped her forearms and squeezed, “I’m so sorry, you should never have had to deal with it, but there is no Don Rush. There’s just me. A sad little man too weak to keep his mouth shut. I know it’s nothing you’d ever want, like having my stinking carcass in your bed, but it was the only chance I’d ever get to tell you. I know what you wanted was my friendship, and I hoped somehow I could tell you without burdening you. I’m so sorry you’re lonely, but I’ll need some time to be, to be the friend you deserve. Now you know why, at least.”

“How in the hell do you not know?!” Belle blurted starting to smile through her own tears of disbelief. “Nick, look at me. I love you.”

Rush stared at her, stunned. Then trembling hands ghosted over her cheekbones.

Before any conscious thought could interfere, Belle tugged him toward her and seized his mouth with hers.

Rush was very, very strong. He held her to him and kissed her back as if his arms were docking clamps and their mouths the airlock.

There was no restraint.

There was no decorum.

There was no hesitation.

Belle caught fire from the inside out and moaned loudly when he ran his tongue along the underside of her jaw. She pulled him on top of her as she rolled backward heedless of the hard deck plating beneath her. With a firm grip on his ass, Belle squeezed and he rolled his hips against her groaning and desperate.

Kissing her and kissing her and kissing her, he barely let her breathe. She didn't let go of his ass though, kneading and rubbing through the thin fabric of his underwear. When she dipped between his legs from behind he threw his head back with a quivering little keen.

Then he choked out, “Bed. Belle! Bed.”

Oh. That. Right.

“Yes, Nick, now.”

They scrambled up. Belle yanked his shirt over his head between kisses while Rush made quick work of the zipper on her pants. With those down and kicked away along with her shoes, she threw her shirt somewhere and Rush’s mouth clamped onto her breast through her bra. Arching assertively toward his mouth, she knocked them both backward and onto the bed and they scrambled over one another rolling about until Rush was on top and kissing her breath away.

A clear, hard and unyielding pressure between her legs forced a howling gasp from her as he artlessly shoved her bra away from her breast to take her nipple in mouth and suck. Hard.

Pinned beneath him, Belle held his mouth where it was with a fist full of his hair while her other went back after his ass. She squeezed him in time with their hips which knew what to do without and conscious direction.

But his damned underwear were in the way. And a bra only half on was uncomfortable.

She tugged at his underwear, letting go of his hair to get some assistance from her other hand.

He gave an exasperated sigh after letting go of her breast with a wet sound. Belle grunted and trembled as he rolled away from her to dispense with the remainder of his clothing. She took care of what was left of hers and when they came back together, it was only skin against glorious skin.

Sighs. Panting. Stroking. Exploring. Squeezing. Sucking.

And oh gods! Finally! His tip was wet against her entrance, giving her pressure but not yet trying to enter. Then his fingers found her hood between her legs and began to rub and roll over it. He swallowed her howl with a kiss and her lower abdomen clenched helplessly as her hips bucked and wave after shuddering wave exploded.

When her gasping subsided enough for her to look up at his smile, he dipped down to kiss the end of her nose. Of all things. Well.

Belle wasn't waiting another second. She seized him and stroked him several times watching his eyes flutter as he arched into her touch.

“Ready?” Belle whispered urgently.

“Yes, please, yes.”

She guided him to her and parted her lips. Though their hips thrust up together, he entered her slowly, infuriatingly slowly.

“Nick!”

“Belle, gods!”

Then he kissed her deeply and they panted through their noses as he finally filled her completely. They squirmed, pushing together, trying to truly merge until a rhythm appeared and they grunted, crying out together. He returned his hand to her hood as he picked up the pace and Belle cried out again, spasming around him. Before she had ridden out the wave she felt a heat inside and his cries joined hers.

The last few spent motions died away and Rush dropped his head to her shoulder moaning softly.

When she had caught her breath, Belle whispered, “I love you, Nicholas Rush.”

“And I love you, Belle French.”

Sleep claimed them both shortly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An epilogue to go, my friends! I hope I've managed to satisfy at least a few of your Rushbelle needs and that you'll forgive what I put you through to get here. :D I would be honored if you'd consider nominating this fic for the TEAs for Best Anyelle.


	17. Epilogue

Warm, comfortable but also damp and sticky in places, Belle woke naked in Rush’s bed. He was already awake and began stroking her hair as soon as her eyes opened.

“Don't worry, I remember.” 

Belle smiled at his sexy murmur. She leaned over and kissed him softly. “I remember too.”

Still stroking her hair, his eyes roamed over her face. She had never seen him so relaxed, happy looked good on him.

He said softly, “I may have been ungentlemanly, last night. How upset will you be if I was?”

She huffed out a chuckle, “I’d say vigorous consent equals a request. I know the consequences as well as you. But I also knew at the time that your reputation is relatively safe, in that regard anyway. I’m due to start my cycle again tomorrow, so it’s the wrong time of the month.”

He smiled. “I’m both relieved and disappointed. I’m not really ready for a baby just yet, but I would have been happy if last night had created one. That would have been a good start for a new person.”

“Did you always want children?”

His face sobered, “I did as soon as I knew I wouldn't have them. Before that, they were more of an abstract, something to think about later. Gloria’s first cancer was uterine.”

Belle stroked his beard. “I’m so sorry. If you’re really serious about this, let’s settle in as, well, as us for a bit first, then talk about it again.”

He scooted closer to her and threw a leg around her bottom, tugging her to him. He kissed her, then said, “I don't know how fifty percent of the crew isn't pregnant already, pulling out isn't on the list of effective birth control. Do you have ideas for how we can manage?”

“IUD’s, most of the military have them. I know some are using the calendar, but screw ups are bound to occur sooner or later. I’ve never had to rely on the calendar before, but that’s all I’ve got to offer. Unless you’re hiding a crate of condoms.” Belle couldn't believe how calm she felt having this conversation with Rush. And that the seemingly inevitable “screw up” didn't scare her as much as she thought it should.

“Pulling out is the only thing I could potentially offer you and I didn't exactly do a good job with that last night, so I don't think we should count on it.” Rush began pressing kisses to her face.

“You meant to pull out?” Belle wondered aloud.

“I realized rather too late that I should have. I had other things on my mind at the time.” He nuzzled her hairline.

“Did you now.” Belle reached between them and found what she was looking for. He was warm and plump and pleasing to roll in her hand, all soft ridges and loose skin over his testicles. Air ruffled her hair at his rapid exhale and he squeezed her shoulder.

He’d been ready for some time, but their conversation had been necessary. Belle murmured, “Today we shouldn't need to worry about that, the damage is done anyway, if there is any, which I doubt.”

“Is that a request, Dr. French?”

She tugged him very gently and he followed her easily, “Shut up and fuck me, Nick.”

And he did.

When the arrived on the bridge an hour late, Scott glanced up, frowned a little and went right back to work. Park didn't turn around, but Belle saw a little smirk quickly vanish.

Brody, however, turned around with a huge smile, “Congrats you two, do you feel better now? It’ll be easier to breathe around here for everyone now that that tension’s gone.”

“How the hell-?” Rush started to yell.

But Scott turned around in his chair, “Extremely loud. Extremely. And I know what I said about using his quarters, Belle, but the two of you are moving to another set of crew quarters, by yourselves. Today.”

Scott didn't sound amused. Belle knew her face was flaming and one glance at Rush told her he was in no better case, but he muttered, “Privacy sounds prudent.”

“Definitely,” Belle murmured back.

That evening they moved.

After getting settled, Belle kissed Rush softly and whispered, “I hear there’s a cheesy romance flick showing on the observation deck, wanna go? For old times’ sake?”

“Gods yes! Young put a halt to the porn viewings, unfortunately. There were complaints. Prudes.” Rush took her hand and they strolled out of his room.

“I’m sure, if we stay up late enough, we could sneak in a porno here and there. No one has to know.”

“On this ship? Have you learned nothing in the past three months, Dr. French?”

“Dr. Rush, there is such a concept as willful ignorance and I suspect the search mode kinos have been programmed by now to avoid certain activities. Now, I have been waiting for my next date with Don Rush all day, so don't spoil my evening.” Belle darted up to kiss him.

He chuckled.

Eli was reading Belle’s book in a corner with his ear buds firmly engaged when they arrived on the observation deck. 

Rush’s hand felt perfect in hers; she could happily hold his hand forever. They stood at the railing and stared out over the bow as the star field rushed by them. Neither said anything.

When she glanced up at him next, Rush was looking at her. Her Don Rush was looking at her. She stepped closer, raised her mouth for a kiss, and he obliged her.

This kiss was a slow and tender thing. Lips against lips, gentle pressure, leisurely exploring all the angles, rubbing softness against softness, simply holding each other. No hurry, no anxiety, no theater. Just the two of them enjoying one another.

When they relaxed away, they held eye contact until content and satisfied. Belle dropped her head to rest against his shoulder and they cuddled together to watch the stars roll by.

“There’s something I have to know.” Eli startled them by speaking, but his tone was more conciliatory than demanding.

Belle turned in Rush’s arms to face him, “What’s that, Eli?”

“How did the two of you get those bruises? I know you weren't having sex. I don't believe you’d be with someone who’d hurt you, Belle, so please, just tell me how it happened.”

Belle had decided to just tell him but Rush spoke first. “I’m deeply ashamed about that. Belle caught me on the bridge.” He sighed and tightened his hold on her. “There is no excuse, but I panicked when she went for her radio to expose me. I knocked away the radio and pinned her to the floor.”

Rush would likely have continued, but Belle needed to interject, “He didn't do it to hurt me, he did it to protect you. He begged me to trust him, to let him explain. Eventually I did. As for how he got his, I’m worse than he is. I dragged him onto the bridge out of anger and ended up actually hurting him.” She blew out a breath and frowned. “Essentially we had a scuffle, which ended when we decided to trust each other.”

Rush looked as ashamed as she felt. “I wish deception hadn't been necessary, but I hope you see now that Belle is completely safe with me.”

“It’s easier to trust people who don't have a history of lying to you. But, like I said, I get why you did it.” Eli frowned. “You said I owe an apology. This is all so weird and hard. I watched the two of you, had to keep my mouth shut and I knew it was a stunt. But it was so hard not to start to believe it. And now, Belle, I suspected Rush had feelings for you, but I didn't want to see what was plainly there, that you loved each other, before any of this, you were falling in love. I’m not sorry for being afraid for my friend and for wanting to keep her safe. I’m not sorry I bugged your quarters for the same reason. I’m not sorry I went to TJ and Colonel Young with my concerns. But I am sorry that I didn't want to see what was right in front of me because it was easier to believe that Rush was an ass, a pain in the ass, than to have to view him as the man my friend was falling in love with. Just ‘cause I don't like you doesn’t mean no one can. I should have come to you Belle, in private, supported you, but I just acted on my own fear.”

“I’ll never begrudge you for wanting to protect Belle. My reputation is worth nothing in the face of her safety. On that we can agree.” Rush told him.

“Thank you for apologizing, Eli. I think it’s time we said goodnight.”

“G’night,” Eli said in neutral tones.

Still work to be done there, but better.

In their bed later, Rush kissed her hair and held her close. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

Belle closed her eyes feeling warm all the way through.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all very much for coming with me on this ride! I've been saving your comments for a rainy day, for the most part, so that I can consume them like hoarded chocolate from a secret stash... um. I mean. Thank you very much for commenting and encouraging me and generally getting me through. :) I do hope it's been worth your while! I also thank you humbly for the 2019 TEA nomination and your vote would be amazing if you're so inclined. Do come and find me on tumblr if you didn't find me there already under the same user name. *hugs*

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you are entertained, my friends! This is a finished work which I intend to update regularly as I put the finishing touches on it. Let me know what you think! You can also reach me on Tumblr @theoneandonlylittlebird and I hope you do!


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